It's a Spamathon!

here

Wouldn't it be nice to live in some alternate universe where everything you read was real? Lately some very generous folks have left me late Christmas presents out of the blue, just to be nice. That's right...I've been handed more money in a few weeks than I'll ever earn in ten lifetimes. Take a look at some of this generosity, and the bazillions I've made almost overnight:

• Dearest Partner, I am Mrs Sonia Alafinja from Ivory Coast.... $7, 500,000. 
(wow, money donated from a small-ass African nation? THAT never happens)
• My Dear, I know this proposal letter might be a pleasant surprise to you as we don't know ourselves before...$7, 500,000 
("pleasant surprise" wasn't my first reaction. Or my second)
• BILL & MELINDA GATES FOUNDATION VERIFICATION/FUNDS RELEASE FORM...$1, 500,000
(only one and a half mil Gates? C'mon you can afford to BUY the Ivory Coast, you can do better than this)
• Dear Friend, you might find it difficult to remember me again though it has not been quite a long time...5,000,000,00 EURO
(yes it is difficult to remember you, probably since we never met before. Assclown) 
• Hey listen, I know you were looking to make some extra money from home...
(so what, now you have the latest in mind-reading software?)
• Winner!!! You have been awarded the sum of 1,000,000 British Pounds and a Toshiba laptop
  (British pounds, great. Now I have to go through all the work of figuring out what that works out to in Canadian dollars. So inconsiderate of you)
• Your email has been selected by the United Nations Organization for a cash grant award of 350,000.00GBP
  (yes, because we all know the United Nations just GIVES cash away to random people. And stop with those effing British pounds again, you're beginning to annoy me. Give me those strange Canadian bills that make Americans look at me funny, it's more familiar and comforting)

They also had my sexual health in mind, which was thoughtful:

Heat of your meat. Viagra.

    (what does that even mean? Do they use a probe or something? Ow.)

Feeling Horny? Match Parter NO STRINGS ATTACHED fun....

    (the answer to the first part is yes, always and there's no such thing as sex with no strings attached. We all pay somehow.)

And finally...

• 御泥坊正品 玫瑰滋养矿物睡眠面膜
  (to appeal to my Korean/ Japanese heritage, because I'm so OBVIOUSLY Asian)

It's nice to be thought of, isn't it? Sigh.