I realized last year that in a way I'm a hippocrite. I'm not saying what I discovered makes me a bad person and I'm not beating myself up over it, but it's a shortcoming I think applies to a lot of us. I'll explain.
When I began blogging three years ago it wasn't to talk about my life, but a very strong need to reach out to people. At the time I was struggling with regaining a part of myself that I'd lost sight of after my car accident, and I felt the best way to do that was to connect with others who were trying to heal in their own way, from anything. I've since pulled out of what I was going through, still the people I'm drawn to most today are those who are looking for...something. Inner contentment. Answers to uncertainties in their relationship. A clearer path in life. A way to somehow close wounds that have been open for too long or sweep away regrets that have overstayed their welcome. The word 'broken' is tossed around a lot, I prefer to think of it as "in repair". It's these people I've met and the conversations we have that hold the most meaning for me.
I encourage others to share their problems, I'll go so far as to say it's something I need in my life. It's incredibly rewarding being told that I've helped in some way, it gives me a far greater sense of purpose and accomplishment having a chance to help people grow instead of corporations. I know this is something I want to pursue professionally, I'm just not sure if I'm ready to do it on a larger scale (as I wrote about here ) .
People apologize for opening up and being a 'burden', I always assure them they're not. (Believe me I get as much out of these talks as you do, possibly more). The reason I say I feel hippocritical is because I'm reluctant to unload my problems for the same reason, that I don't want to feel like I'm dumping on someone else. Even knowing that person as well as I do and knowing they'd be there for me in the same way.
People who are hurting can still be amazingly uplifting, I see evidence of this all the time through blogs and e-mail. Many who are obviously battling their own demons, questioning their self-worth and whether that darkness will ever lift are so ready to give words of encouragement and appreciation to someone else. Why can't we see the good in ourselves as easily as we can see it in those we care about, or see what others see in us?
This entire post is beautiful.
ReplyDeleteYou can write to me any time; you can spill all your fears and troubles, all your wonderful glories and successes; you've been wonderful to me throughout our entire friendship and I'll never thank you enough for that.
But I'll keep trying; so thank you.
xx
Thanks for this post Barry. It's very strong indeed - I wish you well for 2012, and would like to say if you ever want to get in touch, let me know.
ReplyDeleteThere's so much of this post I understand, because one of my reasons for starting blogging (and possibly ultimately the reason I've been on hiatus) was to get back in touch with other people and hopefully somewhere in it find something relevant for both them, and for me. The thing that I discovered was that it was about being who you are, to yourself - I know that's a little bit fluffy as a statement, but I do think it's true (in my case it was a bit of a realisation to figure out how and why - and indeed why I wasn't there...).
Finding the paths is hard, and I really understand your point about helping people not corporations.
But in answer to your last question, sometimes it's hard to see the good in ourselves because we'll beat ourselves up over expectations, and times that they aren't met. It's a cliché but for 9 good things and 1 bad things that happens we'll remember the bad. Sadly that can stick and it can be difficult to shift at times.
There are many who say the 'saddest people in the world after often the nicest'. I wonder so often how true this could be. As in sadness there is so little left, an empty and hollow little skeleton. Seeking, though maybe not as desperately as others may believe, for content and peace in mind. At a concert I went to a few years ago the lead singer, of whom you could tell had felt much pain, sang with such conviction. With his hand on heart, hitting his chest to each beat he got out the words, 'we are so many tiny pieces'. This resounding moment has stayed with me since. It may be the ideas and memories we can't shake from our minds and wash of our hands that can tear us so easily to shreads. However, I find it hard to believe we weren't a little lost in the first place. As lonely as being lost can seem, no one ever describes it as 'unfamiliar'. As this should stain the page on which it's written it should also leave a lasting impression, I realise this may seem less true for modern communication such as emails and texting, but this doesn't make it just as hard to get the words out and portray them just how you saw it being taken in your head. Or, if you did not forsee a reaction then when feeling delicate it would surely not be wished for it to be received in a negative light. The weight of a heart's load may be heavy, and sharing it so intimately will burn deeply on your conscience - till, that is, we should learn to speak with open lips and untroubled minds.
ReplyDelete'One day' is always a hopefully sad optimism. Let us hold our focus to reaching that day.
Always thank yous, Barry. X
It is probably because we are our own worst enemies. It is very easy to see the good in others. If I asked you your opinion of myself, I'm sure it would vary greatly from my own. Part of the poor self-image is the constant barrage from people from our past, it sort of builds up like a volcano. Even now, even though it doesn't affect me like it used to, being called a loser and an idiot, still has a bit of an impact. And those years of hearing it all the time, still takes it's time to heal. As for the point of still hunting to "find myself' and finding the "missing part", I feel I am getting a bit closer. I have found a few authors that I really enjoy and have been doing a lot of reading on subjects I wasn't interested in before, but have found that I really like. I have done a bit research into a few careers that I never would have imagined before, and with the self-worth and good self-image thing, well that is a day-to-day struggle. I may never fully "heal", but I do feel there is light at the end of the tunnel. Just a pinpoint right now, hopefully it's not a train!
ReplyDelete@ Bella, I feel very fortunate to share this friendship with you and I look forward to the chance for us to grow closer over the coming year.
ReplyDelete@ Jon we definitely need to chat soon, it's been too long. I didn't realize how much we agree on, your closing points especially.
@ Mhairi thank you as always, you have such a way with words. I responded to your last e-mail recently.
@ Tony, what you said about being beaten down over time is something I hear a lot. People don't realize how powerful their words can be, good or bad. I know you have it in you to pull yourself back up and I'm really glad to see you taking steps to do that.