I Think I'm Afraid of Becoming Who I Am

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 I had the most amazing dream last night. I know it was sparked by a conversation Sandy and I had about her blog post before we went to bed, and how we both feel we're meant to do more with our lives. We want to do more.

  As much as we have in common, Sandy and I are also different in many ways. She's more of an outdoors person, I'm just as happy being in my studio writing. She loves walks, I prefer a vigorous treadmill workout. She has an intense interest in physical well-being, I'm interested in mental health. But lately it seems we're at the same point in our lives, we both want to do something to help people. We find great reward in it. Sandy's considering a career change to become a lifestyle coach and I want to follow what has become my passion: psychology. Which brings me back to my dream last night.

  It was my first day as a psychologist. I was in my office, it was spacious with lots of windows and I was sitting at my desk which was massive. Twice as big as anything I'm used to. I was starting a session with my first patient ever, a young man in his late teens/ early twenties. Good-looking guy, dark (almost black) hair. I felt a bit unorganized and unsure of what to do, the session was an hour-and-a-half and I remember thinking I should set the timer so we don't go over. He was laying on a couch in front of me (I know, cliche' right?) and began talking about his mother I think, or someone in his family. Although I had never held a therapy session with someone I was very comfortable in the situation. Somewhere in there was my mentor, I can't recall what he looked like except that he had a coffee complexion like someone from the Islands.

  My office was at or near the top of an extremely high building. At one point I felt the floor sway slightly, then I had an overwhelming feeling. I dropped to the floor, it felt like it was tilting on a sharp angle and I called out that we were going to fall. My mentor said, "No we're not." And we didn't, the building hadn't moved at all.

  What do I think it means? Overall it's pretty obvious to me that it speaks to my dream of becoming a therapist. Does the fact that I'm near the top of the building very high off the ground, or that I speak from behind a massive desk represent a subconsciously over-inflated ego or feeling of importance? I hope not. I found it really interesting that my first patient in the dream was a young man, since it's almost exclusively girls and women who speak with me about things they're going through. (Notice I didn't use the word 'issues', I don't really like it). He was talking about relationships with one or more of his family members, could he have represented me? Was I as a therapist speaking with myself as a patient as a way of saying I need to work through some things? I'm not sure.

  Feeling that the building is going to topple I think represents a fear that I might fall, in other words that I might not be as effective in helping people as I want to be. I do think about that. It's one thing to spend time privately with someone reading through a massive e-mail they've written (which I LOVE to do), giving my thoughts or just listening quietly if they just want someone to talk to. But it's another thing to be in a professional role where I'm expected to make a difference. I don't know, maybe they're not that far removed afterall.

  In any case I don't feel that I could ever stop doing what I'm doing. I want to step out of my comfort zone and do more, I think maybe I'm just afraid of becoming who I am. That doesn't mean I'll let fear or uncertainty stop me though.