Monday, May 30, 2011

Of Past Crushes and Swimming Pools

 
It's a calm Saturday night and our friends Kayla and Matt have invited Sandy and I to join them at their place for dinner. As we count down the numbers along their street I'm struck by how surreal this moment is.

  It was seemingly forever ago that I first met Kayla. I was a young man with his whole life ahead of him, she was a few years younger and, as a friend of my brother's, off-limits. This was never established verbally but rather self-imposed, because although there was nothing beyond friendship between them I secretly hoped there would be. Hoping against the attraction I felt towards her.

  Time passed and we lost touch, I eventually met and married Sandy.

  I vividly recall my reaction when I turned and saw her standing before me once more at my brother's wedding last Fall. Later that night my sister in her inebriated glory would announce in front of Kayla, her husband and my wife the crush I used to have on this girl. A crush that until then had been neatly folded and kept in a little box, tucked away in some dusty corner in the mist of time for almost twenty-five years. K was completely unaware. Months later we would discuss it briefly, then never again. Not much needs to be spoken, that was then and this is now.

  Visiting Kayla and Matt is like stepping into a different world, so far removed from the surroundings in which I recall seeing her as a girl on the cusp of her adult years. The house is beautiful. The property is beautiful. The cars are beautiful. Later on in the evening she confesses an extreme uneasiness and guilt over it all. She comes from a modest upbringing and seemingly will never be completely comfortable with the life they have built together and worked so hard for. I casually tease her about how pretentious she seems and she's all over me for it, mortified at the thought of being seen as flamboyant.

  "Really? You think so?"

  "No Kayla, I'm kidding," I grin. She is by nature humble, always has been.

  Her son and mother show up briefly for dinner and I smile as I watch them all interact. I never envisioned this girl I knew as a teenager having children of her own. Soon the four of us are alone again, joking and singing "Munumuna" by the Muppets and trying our hand at hoola-hoops in the foyer. We're all unsuccessful except for Kayla, whose belly-dancing experience I feel gives her an unfair advantage. Her smile recalls memories of days half a lifetime ago.

  After a meal of barbequed chicken, vegetables and bumble-crumble pie with French vanilla ice cream we all adjourn outside and sit around the fire pit. Kayla announces she's going into the pool and returns in her swimsuit, Sandy and Matt elect to stay by the fire and chat so I get changed and join her in the water. It's heated to 85 degrees and is very inviting, wonderful. We race each other to the end, splash like kids and see how long we can sit on the bottom of the deep end. Steam rises off the pool in the cool night air as we keep afloat and talk about everything we can think of. Our spouses continue their chat, sitting beneath oversized umbrellas to keep off a light drizzle that has begun to fall.  The faint din of their conversation carries on the breeze above our heads. Kayla points out how much the raindrops look like diamonds as they dance and shimmer on the still surface of the pool, I can't help but agree.

  "Bet you didn't think a year ago you'd be doing this," she smiles.

  Do I regret not ever expressing how I felt towards her in my earlier years? No, not at all.  'We' weren't in the cards, I never would have given her what she wanted, a family.  Because I never wanted this for myself. This is one of those things in life that become evident years later, things that bring you one step closer to what you are meant for. In this case, my relationship with Sandy.  Matt's good for K, I watch them together and honestly believe she couldn't have done any better. It warms my heart to see her happy.

  Some feelings in life dissipate, gradually evaporating so that others may take their place, others are sculpted and shaped like clay with experience and time.  These emotions change on their own or will be moulded by our heart into something more easily held . What I originally felt for Kayla has mellowed from attraction to affection, and it's not lost on me as we talk how rare it is to rekindle a friendship after so much time has passed.

  I gaze over at Matt and Sandy, enveloped in darkness except for her face, framed with the umbrella and the fire's glow. How I love that girl. And it occurs to me that sometimes, just maybe, we really can have it all.
 
 
*names have been changed

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Secret Sunday


Time now for the twenty-fifth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously. If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free to copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Monday, May 23, 2011

My Day At The Photography Show

Ironically not the best picture I've ever taken, but you get the idea..

Last Saturday I was lucky enough to be able to hit the Photographic, Video & Digital Imaging Show in Toronto.  It was held at the same convention centre that we saw Tiesto in Sept '09.  Sandy stayed home to take care of some things so the day was mine. My main reason for going was to attend two seminars on basic photography (aperture settings, shutter speeds etc.) but I was also able to look for some info for a friend.

I got there just over an hour before the first session began so I had time to walk around and get orientated. I'm not in the market for anything right now so it was nice to take a leisurely walk around without feeling like I was on a mission. Every major manufacturer was there.  Here's an example of what the booths were like:



  It was like a candy store for me so I can only imagine what it would have been like to go shopping for high-end gear. The place was packed but I didn't mind, I walked the perimeter then attended the first class.  Front row baby! The presentation was great, not too dry, and I took tons of notes. I had three hours before my next session began so I grabbed a pizza slice for lunch and continued my walk-around, talking to lots of people and asking lots of questions.

  Along the way I spoke with a girl who helps run a program in Toronto called LOVE (Leave Out Violence), which works to reduce and help eliminate violence in the lives of youth and their communities. I decided it was a good fit with this blog and got in touch with her this week.  She's allowed me to write about her organization, so I'll be telling you more about them in a post in the coming week.

  The show was pretty hands-on, a lot of equipment was on display with reps assisting the public. One of my faves was this bad boy...



  For the photographers amongst you it's the world’s first ultra-telephoto zoom lens to offer an F2.8 aperture at the 500mm focal length and F5.6 at 1000mm. It covers widely used focal lengths from 200mm to 500mm and has a large aperture of F2.8 throughout the entire zoom range.

  Not a bad deal for $38,000 huh?  I'll take three, one in each colour.

  So, collecting every bit of literature I could along the way I made my way back to my next class. It was taught by the same girl with additional information and was equally as informative.  Again I took tons of notes. When the session was finished I left the show under a pouring rainstorm. It was an amazing, amazing day. One of the best things was the cost: I had a free ticket, free parking, free teaching sessions and free literature.  Total cost for five hours, about eight bucks in food.

  I've taken a lot of photos I'm happy with but I'd in no way consider myself a photographer. I have a lot to learn, but the show sparked my interest. And one day when I feel proficient enough I'll pick up an SLR. I've fallen in love with HDR (High Dynamic Range) imaging and I'm anxious to give it a try. This is a digital photo after being processed with HDR software...


Photo by Trey Ratcliff

  This is a process of taking one image or (usually) a series of images, combining them, and adjusting the contrast ratios which allows the image to more accurately represent the range of intensity levels found in real scenes. I don't plan to get into this exclusively, I love 'traditional' film photography as well as digital and I'm not saying that HDR is in some way more accurate or superior to standard photography.  But as an extension of digital imaging I really like the results. What do you think?  I'll probably do a post of different shots (nature, buildings, cars etc.) if for no other reason than they're eye candy to me.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Secret Sunday



Hey everyone, time for the twenty-fourth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You can copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Friday, May 20, 2011

The Distance (lyrics)



The Distance



Staring out the window
Grasping at the sunlight fading away
Another day is ending
Spent pretending
That we're okay.

This dark room just echoes with the
Distance between us.
Midnight's voices taunt us,
Memories haunt us
Just like children on the wind.

Let me drift off to sleep
So I can dream you back at my side.
We can't hide ourselves from it
Or overcome it
No matter how hard we've tried.
And this emptiness consumes me
Wrapped in bedsheets where we played,
There's no easy way of living
In this unforgiving prison
That we've made.

Rain upon my window go away,
Don’t want you storming in my eyes another day.
We've tried to stand strong
But we’re shadows on the wall,
‘Cause we’ve said all there’s to say
But we’ve still said nothing at all.

I'd hold my breath and stop time
Just to trace my fingertips in your hand.
There's too much pain in regret
And all the lies we've buried deep in the sand.
We finally opened up our eyes
But we paid too great a cost,
Another night to fight through
Right 'til morning's light reminds us
What we've lost.

And the rain keeps on falling..

Rain upon my window go away,
Don’t want you storming in my eyes another day.
We try to stand strong
But we’re shadows on the wall,
‘Cause when it's all said and done
We’ve still said nothing...

Rain upon my window go away,
(endless rain keeps falling)
Don’t want you in my eyes another day.
(you won't hear me calling)
Though we've tried to stand strong
We’re just shadows on the wall,
'Cause when all's said and done
We’ve still said nothing at all.
We’ve still said nothing at all.
Still said nothing at all.

And words can't bridge the distance.


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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Life's Magic


 

Robert R. McCammon (Boy's Life)...


  “You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the past, the present and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves.


   After you go so far away from it, though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.

   That’s what I believe.

   The truth of life is that every year we get farther away from the essence that is born within us. We get shouldered with burdens, some of them good, some of them not so good. Things happen to us. Loved ones die. People get in wrecks and get crippled. People lose their way, for one reason or another. It’s not hard to do, in this world of crazy mazes. Life itself does its best to take that memory of magic away from us. You don’t know it’s happening until one day you feel you’ve lost something but you’re not sure what it is. It’s like smiling at a pretty girl and she calls you “sir.” It just happens.

   These memories of who I was and where I lived are important to me. They make up a large part of who I’m going to be when my journey winds down. I need the memory of magic if I am ever going to conjure magic again. I need to know and remember, and I want to tell you.”

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Secret Sunday


It's a cold, windy, rainy day in Toronto, a good opportunity to stay inside and catch up on some writing. I'm in that kinda mood today.

Time now for the twenty-third round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You can copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Soaring



I saw you today, a hawk's wings upon the wind. And you were free.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

Secret Sunday


It's been another gorgeous day, I had lots to do and realized I'm late posting this. Time for the twenty-second round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.


Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You can copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Friday, May 6, 2011

Sexuality- What's Your Flavour?




 I learned a new word last weekend, and it took me by surprise because I like to think I'm pretty current with these things.  The term is "sapiosexuality", and it refers to a person who's sexually attracted to intelligence in others. I read a study a while ago that surveyed women of different sexual orientations or preferences and found it really interesting, so I decided to expand beyond this single term and cover the different ways in which people experience or express their sexuality.

Before I get into this it's important for me to say that first and foremost we're all just people. I don't look at someone first as straight or gay or bi or whatever, I look at everyone as human. All equally. This post isn't an exercise in attempting to label people, just explore the different types of sexual orientation:

*heterosexual- one who is romantically and physically attracted to members of the
                        opposite sex

*homosexual- one who is romantically and physically attracted to members of the
                       same sex

*bisexual- one who is romantically and physically attracted to members of both
                 sexes

*bi-curious- one of hetero or homosexual orientation who shows some
                   curiosity in having a relationship or sexual activity with a person of
                   the sex they do not favor, yet distinguish themselves from the bisexual
                   label. (By the way if you're bi-curious and want to get some information
                   anonymously I found an excellent website, ShyBi. Not surprisingly it's
                   geared mainly towards women.
 
*asexual- one who, while typically lacking in sexual desire for either sex,
                may engage in purely emotional romantic relationships.Terms applied to
                this:
  • aromantic: lack of romantic attraction towards anyone of any gender
  • biromantic: romantic attraction towards people of either gender
  • heteroromantic: romantic attraction towards people of the opposite
    gender
  • homoromantic: romantic attraction towards people of the same gender
  • panromantic: romantic attraction towards people of any gender or lack of gender
  • transromantic: romantic attraction towards people of variant or ambiguous gender
  • polyromantic: romantic attraction towards people of more than one gender or sex but without implying, like biromantic does, that there are only two genders or sexes

*sapiosexual- one who is sexually attracted to intelligence in others. I've also seen
                       it more specifically explained as someone who finds intelligence to
                       be the most sexually attractive feature in a person. By definition I
                       believe the subject of this attraction could be someone of any
                       sexual orientation.

*fluid- orientation isn't always static; we're influenced by different people and events
           in our lives. As we go through life we may find that our orientation will shift.
           Today you could be bisexual and equally attracted to men and women, but in
           time you may find that this has shifted and you're more attracted to women.
           This changing orientation is known as fluid sexuality. For some, their
           orientation will change several times in their life.

*hetero-flexible- one who is predominantly heterosexual but engages in limited
                           homosexual activity.  This is distinguished by some as being
                           separate from bisexuality or bi-curiosity since there is usually
                           the lack of a wish to "experiment" with their sexuality. To me
                           this is one of the more ambiguous categories.

*pansexual/omnisexual- one who has the potential for sexual or romantic
                                       attraction towards people of all gender identities.
                                       Some pansexuals say that gender and sex are
                                       irrelevant in determining whether they are sexually
                                       attracted to others.

*polyamorous- one who practices, desires, or accepts having more than one
                        intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent
                        of everyone involved. Polyamourists typically reject the view
                        that sexual and emotional exclusivity are necessary for deep, 
                        committed long-term loving relationships.


  So there you go. This is only a partial list, anyone who has studied human sexuality will recognize that I've oversimplified some terms. But you get the idea.


 
References:  -"Why Women Have Sex" by Cindy M. Meston, Ph.D. and
                    David M. Buss,, Ph.D.
                    -ShyBi a website that promotes itself as "a non-threatening, safe and
                     sleaze-free forum just for bi and bi-curious girls exploring their
                     bisexuality"
                    -Wikipedia: various articles
                   - internet: bits of info taken from various sites

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Always Getting Over You




  No matter how old we are or what our life experience is, most of us have struggled with having to let go of someone in our lives. I've written about this before but decided to cover it again because it's a subject that comes up often in conversation. I've had to let go, say goodbye or walk away from different people and I know it can be a very, very difficult thing to come to terms with. I'm sometimes asked how to do this with someone you care about. I'm not an expert and don't have all the answers, but over the years I've learned to approach things more philosophically. I wrote this post from the viewpoint of romantic feelings but it can really apply to any kind of relationship.

   People have come and gone in my life, from friends and family who have passed, friendships or relationships that ended with people I felt very strongly about . At the time having to say goodbye can be downright devastating and it can take a long time for those wounds to heal. But I think in order to let go of someone we need to understand that it's not all about loss. We don't have to feel like we're throwing it all away; if there was ever any good in what we shared with this person there will be something left behind, something we should hold onto. Most times there are good memories of how we felt with them, those memories will always be with us even if they're buried beneath the pain. They're just harder to see.

  We need to allow ourselves time to grieve. It's healthy. Those who love us won't want to see us hurt anymore than we want to and will try to console us by saying we should cheer up, that someone else will come along. I always hated that, it was always the last thing I wanted to hear. How about acknowledging that it hurts like hell and you feel like shit but it's okay to feel that way for a while because it won't last forever?

  There are no winners or losers in this. It can feel that way when we're left behind to watch the one we so intensely desire move on, oblivious to what we're going through. If it must be seen as winning and losing, the victory lay not in successfully pushing those feelings down. It's in finding a way to embrace the memories of times spent, and celebrating the way they made us feel.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Blogger Get-Together

Yesterday Sandy and I visited Celia of HHL and her partner Mr. G (they live about an hour North of us).  We left at 2:00 in the afternoon, the weather was beautiful and we had a great drive up. Most of it was by highway but we were in the country for a while.


We stopped on the side of the road so I could snap a few photos of a farm.  I love old barns...




Once we arrived and settled in the girls stayed behind at the house to chat while Mr. G and I hopped in his diesel-powered Kubota 4x4 for a tour of their very large property.  This thing is awesome, rugged as hell and will go through just about anything. We got tossed around as we plowed through mud, water, steep hills and large bumps.  Just a ton of fun.  Nutkin came along for the journey...



Things were still pretty dormant in the forest, not a lot of colour yet but I snapped a few photos...










After a while we returned to the house and I got to know Stella...



and Dolce (what a character)...


Then they put the barbeque and the oven on and we had a great meal of steak, sausage, salad and corn on the cob paired with a nice Merlot.


When it began to get chilly we adjourned inside the house (which is undergoing an ambitious renovation but will look amazing when done) and had bumbleberry pie with French vanilla ice cream, tea, coffee and lots of great conversation. We left at 9:30pm feeling very thankful for the chance to spend this time together.

Secret Sunday


Hey guys it's time for the twenty-first round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.


All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...