No matter how old we are or what our life experience is, most of us have struggled with having to let go of someone in our lives. I've written about this before but decided to cover it again because it's a subject that comes up often in conversation. I've had to let go, say goodbye or walk away from different people and I know it can be a very, very difficult thing to come to terms with. I'm sometimes asked how to do this with someone you care about. I'm not an expert and don't have all the answers, but over the years I've learned to approach things more philosophically. I wrote this post from the viewpoint of romantic feelings but it can really apply to any kind of relationship.
People have come and gone in my life, from friends and family who have passed, friendships or relationships that ended with people I felt very strongly about . At the time having to say goodbye can be downright devastating and it can take a long time for those wounds to heal. But I think in order to let go of someone we need to understand that it's not all about loss. We don't have to feel like we're throwing it all away; if there was ever any good in what we shared with this person there will be something left behind, something we should hold onto. Most times there are good memories of how we felt with them, those memories will always be with us even if they're buried beneath the pain. They're just harder to see.
We need to allow ourselves time to grieve. It's healthy. Those who love us won't want to see us hurt anymore than we want to and will try to console us by saying we should cheer up, that someone else will come along. I always hated that, it was always the last thing I wanted to hear. How about acknowledging that it hurts like hell and you feel like shit but it's okay to feel that way for a while because it won't last forever?
There are no winners or losers in this. It can feel that way when we're left behind to watch the one we so intensely desire move on, oblivious to what we're going through. If it must be seen as winning and losing, the victory lay not in successfully pushing those feelings down. It's in finding a way to embrace the memories of times spent, and celebrating the way they made us feel.
People have come and gone in my life, from friends and family who have passed, friendships or relationships that ended with people I felt very strongly about . At the time having to say goodbye can be downright devastating and it can take a long time for those wounds to heal. But I think in order to let go of someone we need to understand that it's not all about loss. We don't have to feel like we're throwing it all away; if there was ever any good in what we shared with this person there will be something left behind, something we should hold onto. Most times there are good memories of how we felt with them, those memories will always be with us even if they're buried beneath the pain. They're just harder to see.
We need to allow ourselves time to grieve. It's healthy. Those who love us won't want to see us hurt anymore than we want to and will try to console us by saying we should cheer up, that someone else will come along. I always hated that, it was always the last thing I wanted to hear. How about acknowledging that it hurts like hell and you feel like shit but it's okay to feel that way for a while because it won't last forever?
There are no winners or losers in this. It can feel that way when we're left behind to watch the one we so intensely desire move on, oblivious to what we're going through. If it must be seen as winning and losing, the victory lay not in successfully pushing those feelings down. It's in finding a way to embrace the memories of times spent, and celebrating the way they made us feel.
Would you believe that I have never suffered a heart break. Yeah, I know. It is probably because I am quite lucky in my friendships and relationships. But I do understand the meaning of letting go, but for a good reason. I have not also experience grief as a first hand experience as all the members of my family and close friends are still alive and relatively healthy. I know that I will someday, so it is interesting to read your post. (And I am only young at heart, not in years.)
ReplyDeleteA friend of my family killed himself in december. I still remember where I was and how I found out in perfect detail. I came home from work, was having a strangely good day, had bought some new clothes, rushed in to show my sister what I bought. I walked up the stairs in our split level home, it was 9:30pm, and I saw my sister looking at me weird. When I came into the living room with my bags, mum was there and said "_____ killed himself tonight". I covered my face immediately and took in the largest intake of breath.
ReplyDeleteYeah... it's hard to see someone walk away. *sigh* But eventually, things do get better and the good memories resurface. Just not always easy!
ReplyDeleteHeaven, I'm curious to know if you and I are anywhere close in age. It's pretty rare to meet someone who hasn't suffered heartbreak or loss of a loved one. Of course I'm always in denial of my age, I seriously cannot get my head around the fact that I'm not much younger than I am. The sad truth is that as we age we begin facing the loss of some of those around us. I guess that's another reason I love having younger friends. :)
ReplyDeleteTHAT girl who, the first questions that come to my mind are how did you deal with it and how are you doing now? Drop me an e-mail if you feel like talking about it, I'd love to hear from you.
ReplyDeletei have to say that as far as loss goes, this last year have been the very worst for me, aside from loosing my mom 23 years ago.
ReplyDeleteloosing mom was almost unbearable, the worst of it was the day i realized that i couldn't remember what her voice sounded like.
aside from that, loosing rocker guy was very rough. i feel like i'm at the end of that thank goodness.
great post barry!
Thanks for this Barry. At every moment life is a celebration. We only have to remember.
ReplyDeletelove it :)!
ReplyDeleteBarry, we may be at the same age bracket but my friends think, and so does my hubby, that i look pretty young for my age. Ha..ha... No, i have not suffered a heartbreak because my first serious relationship is my hubby, and we have been together ever since. It is not perfect but we have managed this far. I have close male friends but we are still friends up to now. I know death is a constant presence, and sooner than later, i will experience it first hand.
ReplyDeleteIt's a subject we all seem to be talking about constantly but avoiding the deeper connotations of at the same time, everytime.
ReplyDeleteThe friend offering the advice; dicing all they want or should hear but feeling so happy knowing the shoes they wear are not as battered as the now 'affected' friend. We find ourselves treading carefully from that day on. Dropping our guard later. The universe will time the next bomb more carefully next time.
I'd love to ask time why sadness is prolonged.
so true. It's a gravity that holds us...thank goodness for the inertia of love.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I try to think of the good memories also when I think about people I've lost in my life. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't and tears get the best of me. But I agree that we should all take time to let ourselves grieve and heal. I don't think I ever gave myself enough time for that.
ReplyDeleteIt's weird, but I still haven't fully accepted that Steve is gone. We weren't close, just commuting friends. I guess because we saw each other on the commute home 2 days before he dropped dead of a heart attack at 56 ... I keep expecting to see him get on the train. Perhaps his wake tonight will be a reality check for me. Maybe then I'll stop looking for him.
ReplyDeleteYou'd think I'd be used to losing people by now ... there have been so many ... some affect me more than others. *sigh* but life goes on.
And with it being Mother's Day this weekend ... I really miss my mom.
love you.... xoxo
Letting go is definitely one of the hardest, if not the hardest, things we deal with in life. The thought of having to say goodbye to those closest to me tears me up inside. I prefer not to think about it mostly.
ReplyDeleteOn a random sidenote... I want that girl's hair!
I love this post and all the other times I've had to let go, it's been so very hard for me but I eventually got to that place. But this time I'm afraid I'm stuck. No, I know I'm stuck. It's been ten months and I still can't let go. Maybe it's because he's not dead and I'm still holding onto hope...in denial and refusing to believe he's really gone for good because I'm afraid it would completely kill my spirit.
ReplyDeleteAny thoughts about that?