Friday, December 31, 2010
2010 was a whirlwind. Life opened itself to me and revealed some amazing new experiences, knowledge, new and strengthened friendships. I let go of something from my past and embraced my present. My biggest constant throughout the year was Sandy. She's provided me with infinite encouragement; anything I've dreamed, everything I've done or wanted to explore she's supported. She's been my voice of reason but also my inspiration to reach out and stretch. My life wouldn't be as rich without her in it and I love her with everything I have.
And then there's all of you. This year I grew to realize the power of conversation and there was lots of it, often very heavy. Confessions of holding onto the night, hoping to make it through. Fantasies flirtatious or imagined. Heartbreak, self-loathing and hope. Tales of forbidden affairs, sexual adventures that sent my mind and heart racing. Uncertainty, desparation, trying to decide just where you fit in to it all. Passions for life expressed through words so fiery and eloquent they stole my breath away.
Words when spoken with conviction, sincerity and compassion can breathe life into those they reach. Never have I had more genuinely amazing things said to me by so many in so short a time. From the teenage girl longing to be thin who questions her beauty yet whose words reveal a lovely soul, to the young woman who's helped me realize what it is to hold a child in your heart. To the one I've only begun to know, whose words pour off the page like birds set free to soar. I've grown to know many extraordinary people.
I’ve learned from those less than half my age; some of you have a wisdom and intensity that belies your years. I don’t know where you draw it from but it’s something that never ceases to disarm me. Every one of you reading has impacted my life and the truth is, in a very real way, I've fallen in love with you guys.
The coming months are a blank canvas. Each person we encounter, whether friend or stranger, will leave their own unique brushstroke. I'm looking forward to seeing what the days paint for all of us.
Have a Happy New Year everyone!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday night I dreamed I saved someone's life. This was at least the third dream I've had like this in recent memory in which I rescue someone, always from drowning. There are usually people around, yet I seem to be the only one who goes in. In the beginning it was women I saved but recently, like the last one, it's also been men.
So in this dream the water was a deep and murky reservoir and a man on the shore told me there were four people who had gone under. After I rescued the first I tried to get the others out, I opened my eyes under water but couldn't see anything (in real life I hate opening my eyes under water; I think the chlorine stung my eyes when I was learning to swim and I never got past that feeling). The man in my dream was disappointed I didn't save them all. I know there's a tremendous amount to be read into this, I just haven't taken time to try analyzing it.
I've always had a fascination with rescuing people. When I was a very young boy I used to play with my little Hot Wheels cars in our garden, making roads and setting up emergency scenes where the police, fire department or ambulance would be called. I grew up with a firehall just down the street from us and I'd go there with my siblings and friends fairly often to visit, the guys would let us slide down the fire pole or try on boots that seemed thirty sizes too big. I developed a tremendous respect for these men and women which continues today and I instantly revert back to my childhood whenever I'm around them, as recently as a few weeks ago.
In my early twenties I put out a fire at our next-door neighbour's home. They were using gasoline on the barbecue- not a terribly smart thing to do- which spilled on the patio and was threatening to burn down the house. Shortly before this I had applied to the fire academy but wasn't accepted. Today I'm certified as a first-aider and was first on-scene at a car accident a couple years ago.
All of this seems to have progressed from a desire to help people physically to wanting to help them emotionally. There's nothing professionally that qualifies me to do this, I possess no special skills. I'm not sure why this need is so powerful in me. I often wonder if I get more from it than those I speak with; having people open up to you can be tremendously validating. The bonds that develop are incredibly rewarding.
I don't know if helping people is something I'm meant to do, if I do it more for myself or for others. It just feels right. As we head into the new year I'll continue as I always have, and search for answers. It's one of my biggest personal goals for 2011.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Part two of my compilation of secrets and fantasies you've all shared during 2010. Again, thanks to those of you who had the courage to send me your most private thoughts...
- i wrote here that i would sleep with the guy if he wanted to. I slept with him and now i have herpes. i made the wrong decision. im an idiot and just ruined my life. people warned me about him. im so mad i didn't listen. i can't stop shaking. im so upset. i needed to write this somewhere.
- im close friends with an ex of mine... it was the hardest break up, because most often, im the one that breaks up with ex's.. not the other way around... well this ex is a HUGE flirt and always tries to hang out... the ex will randomly send pictures and invite me over, i have never gone over, but i have sent pictures back and it makes me feel horrible, because im in a relationship...
- I'm trying to love myself but all the negative things ever said is all I keep focusing on. I feel as if that is who I am even though I know I'm not a horrible person I just can't believe it because my mind is focused on the bad. I simply want to love myself again.
- I want to have sex- with a RANDOM stranger.
- I wish my birth control would fail and I would get accidently pregnant. I really want a child, but I know I won't be able to talk my parnter into it right now because of our financial situation . . . but I think that we could make it work.
- I want to go to a swinger's club with my partner. I don't want to have sex with another person or persons. I just want to watch others having sex, and have them watch us.
- I think the above comment was written by my spouse. Otherwise it's some bizarre instance of random happenstance.
- I don't know what and why I am doing this. And I don't know why I am here. Why am I here?
- A secret about me. I don't believe in signs, luck, coincidences or accidents. Everything happens for a reason and fate/destiny is something only God gets to think about.
- I want to say thank you
- I am happy with who I am with, but theres someone else, that I am close too and when im in contact with this person, I cant help but get butterflies.
- I long to have a bf who doesn't "hide" me from the world, let alone his family. Although he loves me well, I feel alone and left out.
- I speak to myself out loud because I don't think anybody would want to.
- I feel unlovable.
- I don't want to live anymore.
- It's time to get my life in order.
- I had a dream I made out with the UPS guy that comes to my job. I am so weirded out by this, that I barely talk to him now!
- sometimes i worry about all the money im paying into college, the loans I will never pay back, i wish i could just move away and just be that party girl that I never was, and everyone else gets to be instead of being the responsible one.
- i have exams after 3 weeks and i must to succeed to continue in my college..but i didn't study any fuckin' thing till now..i'm lost :(
- My life never seems to improve.
- My husband wants children but the thought of being pregnant REALLY freaks me out....like the scene in alien vs. predator where the things just rips out from the guys abdomen. I would feel like my body has been invaded!
- I know you could careless, but I love you. I love you more than you will ever know.
- I just want everything to be okay. I miss you. I wish I had better control of myself and this situation. I hope you take me with you.
- im in love with someone, but as of lately, its been getting complicated...a friend has come into my life and sometimes, I want him to be more, but then I do still love the bf.
- im an absolute disaster. i drove around today hitting my car door with my hand cuz im so mad. i love him but he threw me away. he just stopped calling and i was his best friend. i want everything to be okay but i dont know how to make it so. ive cried all day so much that im made myself sick with diaherrea because i was so upset. i wanted to have a child with you, i wanted you to be my husband one day, but you think im a cunt for disappearing. there isn't even room for me in your life. he looks so hot in his new photo, but for some fucking reason he doesn't love me. he never even gave me a chance. never once said hey we should be together. once but that was too long ago. i hate him i hate him so much i want to spit vomit in his face. fuck him. i hope hes happy. i dont think so cuz he threatens her that hell dump his new gf on facebook to her. he was like do you want me to put single? i dunno whats going on. i wish hed come back to me but im so far out of it. i hate this. i wanted to be his and its tearing me apart. i dont know what to do.
- Why does she still have that hold over me? Why can't I just let the memory of her go so that I can move on somewhere?
- I am In love with a man who doesnt love me back
- I want to travel the world, see different countries! That would be amazing!
- I want to sucessfully cook meat.
- I want a baby badly
- I'm curious about Extasy.
- I keep thinking sex could be quite good one day...
- I want to travel the world... to just meet random people, give money away, stay at strangers house...
- I'm curious about marriage! I've never done it. Never wanted to. Now, I wonder....
- My best friend is his sister in law. My Goddaughter is his Goddaughter. We see each other at family and friends social events. And while I love my husband with all my heart, he doesn't know.
- During the beginning of college, I started dating this boy... we will call him A... he was one of those typical boys, the GORGEOUS ones, but the ones that are DANGEROUS! I knew I shouldn't be with him, but oh man, I wanted him... needless to say it didnt work out, but it was a fun ride.
- 'I hate that I love you' is exactly how I feel at the moment. I'm in the middle of being with someone I shouldn't. I never was good at ending things. I'll probably wait until it destroys me no matter how much I lie to myself and everyone else.
- I knew he had a girlfriend but the sex was too good, I thought maybe he'd love me if I fucked him. It was so stupid of me. And that almost threesome I had at 5am one morning when I went to pick up this guy. I couldn't do it but we started to. One of the guys I had been sleeping with but the other I had just met. It was hot as hell but I couldn't do it. It felt wrong.
- i don't love her, but she do
- I loved him when he was engaged and then he was married. He called me the day he came back from his honeymoon. We saw one another for 15 years and I loved him without guilt or shame. He eventually divorced, but I had already moved on. I wouldn't trade loving him all those years in order to be "right" or "correct." I loved him. And that's a good thing.
- I want to try to have a three-some with 2 guys. I had a partial one and I freaked out. I want to try it again.
- It makes me feel good only for a moment, then I feel the worst....I hate that I keep doing this to myself.
- Almost 14 years of on and off. we were toxic to each other. i just couldn't get him out of my life. almost ruined a good thing over him. but i came to my senses. at least i did that right. i think i thought i could change him. what did i know. i was teenager when it all started. at least it ended years ago....
- I once kinda-sorta cheated on a boyfriend by kissing someone I was in a play with. Bad, bad decision...
- I kissed a guy at a bar while I was dating someone. It was the best kiss I've ever had and I don't really regret it even though I know it would have hurt my boyfriend.
- I had a crush in high school! I pined after my teacher like you wouldn't believe. To this day seeing him knocks the wind out of me. I'd call that a pretty good secret crush.
- I have a crush and it's bad :) I dunno what to do about it. I know its not right...
- I've had a crush for awhile now, but I feel confused and trapped in my life currently.
- I've saved myself till my wedding night for my husband. My first experience was very romantic and it was my honeymoon which made it even better and it was all I've imagined. :) A bit old school, huh? Well that was when it happened unfortunately.
- I'm 28 and a virgin. Honestly for a while I gave up on the whole thing as I just believed no-one could ever be interested in me. To an extent I still believe that...
- I'm 23 and still in the V Club. I hope my first time will be with someone I love deeply and hope it will be very romantic and passionate. I'd like us both to be virgins as well.
- I was 20, and my first time was with my amazing boyfriend, it was very scary, I remember being so nervous, (it wasn't his first) and I was still a little unsure of myself and my body... but he was amazing, romantic, and I don't think it would have better with anyone else.
- I still want him despite the fact he treats me so badly.
- I was 13, he was 16 and we were down at the lake. I really liked him but shockingly we didn't see each other after that. Boys.
- I was sixteen and he was eighteen. Although he was my first, I wasn't his. He had the candles lit and music going and everything to make it romantic... only it wasn't. I lost faith that sex could ever be romantic after that.
- In my teens and a virgin. I'm pretty proud of it though. I'm not looking to have sex for now. Shocker, right? I hope my first time is memorable, and non- regrettable. Till then, I'm waiting very patiently.
- I've only told my husband what happened with my first time.....it was unwanted. I went over to see this guy I'd hung out with a few times and we wound up on his bed kissing. He became forceful and before I knew it I was yelling at him "no" over and over but was too small and powerless (he was a big guy) to get him off me and make him stop. After I just pulled my pants back on and walked away. Never told a sole until I confided in my husband years later. Not a good "first" time and I wouldn't wish that on anyone.
- I was 16, my boyfriend was 20. I didn't know what the hell I was doing, and he had already had sex. I felt pressured and didn't have enough self confidence to say no. Either way, it lasted like 10 minutes. It wasn't rape, I was willing - just not fully. I disliked sex for years after that, with every other boyfriend. I've really changed in the past year though, making a concerted effort to live life on my terms, have sex when I WANT to, and now, well sex is pretty amazing.
- im afraid to graduate because im not sure where to go from there.
- I've been fantasizing a lot about doing another woman. i've done the 2 guys with me thing and wouldn't say no to doing it again. maybe a foursome with my man and another couple. i'm loving watching 2 females get it on.
- I wish I could confront the guy am seeing about the stuff I found on his phone, but how can I without him knowing I snooped!
- she love me, but i don't
- I like to see that twinge of jealousy in their eyes but I don't put up with it and quickly put them in their place. Just nice to see traces of it to know I still have them hooked...
- everytime i hold my newborn nephew, i miss having children on my own. it is a blessing to hold him. he is cutie and loves to be hug. but it breaks my heart and i cant hold back my tears. i know it is all meant to be, and there is nothing i can do about it. i am getting to old -42- and hope of having a child of my own is very little. but i still have this hope.
- This past week has been the worst week for me in quite awhile. I was so close to quitting everything. I'm hurting deeply.
- I never really thought much bout him...we were just something like part time lovers, mentally, even when we made out for the first time it didn't feel much, till the time i started thinking bout the make out.
- I think I am falling for him
- I've always had a fantasy of two certain ex-boyfriends of mine having a threesome with me. I'd give one a blowjob because he was obsessed with them and have the other fuck me from behind. They are complete opposites of each other, one blonde and one dark haired so I always thought it'd be hot. One always came fast so he would do me first then the other could finish me. It will never happen but it gets me off every time I think of it
- ive been wondering lately if i belong where i am. if the choices i am making are ones i need to be, if i should be doing something else..
- I'm still feeling like I don't quite fit where I am right now and I can't figure out how to change it.
- I wanna cheat
- I don't want my parents to know about my navel piercing.
- I have a tattoo that my parents don't know about. My dad wouldn't mind, but my mom hates tattoos. At this point, I wouldn't mind telling them about the tattoo itself, but I feel guilty/embarrassed about telling them how long I've had it in secret (3 years)!
- hmm what I would like to keep away from my parents... I did some things in the past, not very dangerous more crazy that they might not like it but I think I wouldn't like them to know that I'm a nympho... oh God I don't believe I said that aloud!!!
- In high school I smoked weed and snorted crystal meth...after high school though...never touched that stuff again! I am now in my late 20's
- I don't want my parents to know that I've gotten drunk more than once...
- I wouldn't want my parents to know, nor anyone else, that for a certain period of time my husband and I were swingers and would hook up with other married couples and singles. What a thrill.
- I'd like to know about that stuff myself...curious
- I'd like to say that my parents don't know the worst one, but they do because they asked me and I told them. For a while I wished all kinds of hideous things on myself to get me out of something that I couldn't, and they didn't want me, to say no to.
- I used to have fantasies about group sex or sex with female... now I am not sure if I still want that but I think I would be open if it happens as long as I would be single.
- I can feel pain so deeply and intensely, but not joy.
- I don't think I'm as capable as everyone gives me credit for, including myself.
- Sometimes I close my eyes real tight and pray and wish that when I open them my life will somehow be different and I will finally feel whole and content.
- I like this idea!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
I hope you've all been enjoying your holidays. We had an amazing Christmas Day and I'm still feeling the warmth from our visit with my family.
For my last Secret Sunday I wanted to do a compilation of the secrets and fantasies you've all shared during 2010, so I'm presenting it in two parts. Some of it may be a bit heavy for this time of year but it's been a very significant part of my blog, and I don't want to let the year go by without acknowledging all of you who had the courage to send me your most private thoughts. Thank you...
- For the first time in my life I am sleeping with 2 different men, during the same period, and they don't know about each other. But I'm still single.
- I have a horrible feeling I'm going to cry myself to sleep tonight...
- Here is my one and major secret that I have never told anyone, I REGRET getting married, I was pushed into it. The only reason I stay is because I truly feel I have no other choice, I have to make this work and push mysefl to a better future then I will divorce this man, no questions asked, on the mean time I consider having sex with other men, all the time, it makes me crazy after all I am only 21.........
- I had an abortion last summer, because I don't have a job and I'm really young to have kids, and I feel it is the worst mistake of my life. Now I feel like I don't have the right to have them in the future.
- There are so many men in my life and they're all useless, yet I like them being around
- I get exhausted trying to make everyone else happy.
- I feel trapped in a passionless marriage... a best friend, but no passion, a great provider but no passion.
- I'm dreading Sunday...
- I have a hard time staying true to myself. I find myself changing to please others.
- I think I might be pregnant.
- I think my boyfriend is the biggest jerk in the world. I just don't tell him.
- I wish more people would depend on me and make me care after them.This way it wont be a crime if i needed attention or leaned on any one....
- I like to watch others fail. it makes me feel better
- I'm getting tired of trying to take care of myself and someone else.
- I want to make out with a girl...
- I sometimes wish I lived in Canada to be closer to you. Nothing romantic, just.. A conversation over coffee or a walk by the lake. That would make me the happiest person ever. :)
- I am in love with someone who does not love me back. He just pretended for four years. He revealed that secret to me last night.
- I think I was in an emotional abusive relationship and didn't realize it. I think he really damaged me than I even realized. This sucks.
- I want some hot, dirty, sex.
- So do I....
- My secret is that I can't stand crying in front of other people and I'll do everything in my power to bottle it up inside if that means I can avoid being vulnerable. It's silly and stupid, but I've always been that way.
- I feel so used in the situation I am currently in. I'm not sure how much more I can handle. I'm tired.
- I'd sorta like to get laid tonight
- The sweat from your body makes my heart pound.... endlessly. Just thinking of you makes me want you. Want you more every day.... in every way...
- I hate my self
- My ex boyfriend gave me herpes, its been 7 years and only one outbreak.I wish I didn't have it in my blood stream.Explaining it to my future husband is going to be hard.
- I look up to my 14 year old sister when it comes to dating and sex. She has things more together than I do.
- For once I'd like a successful date - for me that's one that gets a second date. Its a long way from the finding a fulfilling relationship business...
- I am not happy. and I have to pretend that I am okay because everyone thinks I am this depressed boring person, and I can't take their pathetic questioning looks anymore. I am not happy at all.
- I read these posts to see how many people write about sex because I am not having sex.
- It's probably bad, but I fantasize from time to time of having sex with two men.
- while im at work I think about sex all the time. im glad he didn't get me pregnant 2 weeks ago. im glad i went and got the morning after pill when the condom broke.
- It feels as if I've known you forever. Your touch. The sweat dripping from your body when we move in motion. Motions of compassion. Compassion so real. I feel you. You're near. Near to me. I love you, forever. I don't know how to express this emotion. It's taking over my whole body. I can feel it.. I can feel it.. coming and going.. The fire of compassion coming from both of us is so unreal. It is so unreal... I love you!! It feel so real, but this is only a fantasy...
- I'm terrified of the next two weeks because if I don't get my period I don't know what I'm going to do. Fuck!
- i love 2 ladies in the same time
- I am afraid I will have to have open heart surgery. I am young. I am not unhealthy. I do not want this to happen.
- I'm really in the mood to get laid.
- You're the most amazing person, ever. I tell you that all the time but it feels cool doing it anonymously ;) xx
- I always feel misunderstood.
- I do too.
- I'm afraid to talk to my boyfriend about marriage because I'm afraid he doesn't want to marry me...
- i secretly want to have an affair so i can feel alive again....
- They love me. I know they truly do. And I have given so much of myself, but I fear that I will be rejected in the end, once again. I could not handle another broken heart at this point and time in my life. There's no way.
- I really, REALLY am in the mood for sex tonight...including sucking some cock, too!
- I wish I could fill the upcoming manager's position at work...then I could turn around and fire half of our team that contiues to harrass/insult the other hardworking individuals on the team!!!
- I have so much family responsibility right now. It is overwhelming. I wish I could run away.
- I miss what you used to be my life. Life is good right now or it's supposed to feel good, but I feel empty and alone. I dont know what to do or how to feel anymore.
- I wanna die tonight.....
- is it a crime to wish to be loved? i wish to find my soul mate and spend the rest of my life with him
- I wonder if racism would bother me as much if i was white
- I know that you just used me, but that's ok because I just used you, and you are a terrible fuck.
- I'm contemplating becoming an expatriot, but I don't think I have enough conviction.
- I'm scared that one day I'll lose my hearing.
- Honey, I love ya. But truly, it would help if you could find my vajayjay without help. At least ONCE?!
- I hate my fucking job
- I still love him. I know he rejects me, would never even see me- but today when he was down, i couldnt stop myself from reaching out to him, wishing to comfort him, and finding all love coming back.
am i stupid or pathetic?
- I love him so much it hurts. I don't think I'll ever find someone who just made me feel complete. That day when he moved the hair from my face and fucked me awake, i had pretended to be still asleep, I fell in love with him and that was the day he fell out of love with me. I hate him so much that I scream til I ruin my voice box. He doesn't even answer my texts. I wish I could crawl into his arms and have him hold me. I want to feel him put his hands on my face again. but its gone and i want it back so bad.
- Tonight I feel like killing myself but wont.
- I'm scared to death that I can't get anywhere near my dreams, let alone make them come true.
- I am so scared to live without him. I am scared he will leave me behind. I am so frightened of living my life right now. I can't stop crying. I can only pray to God to give me serenity for whatever may come my way.
- Even suicide seems like an option.
- I want a blog award!!! The more we talk the happier I get. I have faith you wont hurt me...
- I miss him. I miss him so much and I can't even tell him. fuck.
- I may be in love with a man who is 3000 miles away
- I am in love with a man 3000 miles away!!
- I love pizza so much!
- I still love him.
- I used to date a guy that when i bit his lower lip it was like a shot of adrenaline to his dick, he would go nuts after I did it and do everything like a man who was starved for affection and had been on a deserted island for years. It was crazy.
- I dreamt of someone last night and in some weird way I feel like I hung out with him cuz he was in my dream and it made me happy. I think I need therapy.
- I just want a man to love me.
- I get irrationaly angry at women I percieve as sexual threats and men that I am attracted to. I essentially dislike good-looking people.
- I just want everything to be okay. I want us to find our way back to each other. The more time passes, the more scared I get that we are only drifting further away.
- I just want to be happy and healthy. Boring but true.
- Everytime I think of a couple for one of my posts its always me and him. I'd write the story,but never publish the post. What if he reads it? What if he knew I still think of him?It just aint fair how he moved on, and im stuck here...feeling...dislocated
- I dreamt about you last night. I tried to save you. You still hurt me. I still love you. It still feels the same after more than a year.
- I think I'm feeling better b/c he's sort of back. Is he really or am I just fooling myself? At the same time Idk what I'm doing. I wonder whats going to happen? I'm trying to live in the moment with him, but its hard b/c I feel I'm neglecting the other and it's not fair. Not with everything that's happened.
- I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on. Every day is like walking on egg shells. I'm ready for the mess to be settled so "we" can be for a change. Please. I'm growing weary...
- It's been over a year. I still miss her, I still regret turning into a prize idiot. Mainly I guess because good things don't always come along, however much you wish them to.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Okay I'm not sure why I chose this photo, but take a good look 'cause I don't know when
I'll ever have a baby on this blog again. They're cute but they scare the hell out of me.
PS: if you can read this you obviously don't need glasses for Christmas.
I rarely go this long (a week) without posting. The main reason is because we were without internet for four days, which left me feeling like I was jonesing for some virtual electronic crack fix. Or being starved of oxygen. (Okay a little melodramatic maybe, but I can't stay away from you guys for too long). Fortunately I at least had limited access from another computer.
I was planning to start a short series of posts on my year in review, but now that it's so close to Christmas I've decided to wait until things settle a little. So I'll be kicking it off this Sunday with a compliation of submissions from Secret Fridays and Secret Sundays over the past year. For those of you who like this sort of thing, I'll have lots.
In the meantime I want to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Festivus and any other holiday I've left out. It's been amazing getting to know you better, and I've learned more about myself along the way. I look forward to 2011, knowing we'll all be greeting it together.
Much love and happiness,
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Could we but give our souls a voice loud enough for all to hear, we'd sing of summersongs within our hearts and find them echoed in return. But even soft words can become weapons, turned against us by those we hold most dear. We watch our worlds crumble around us, left seemingly alone to sweep up the pieces. A million cries ring out and are silenced.
The threads that keep us together are thin. Woven by strands of fate and chance, a web which bends in the breeze but is rarely strong enough to hold against a fleeting wind. Yet fleeting winds and fleeting moments are all we have and all we cling to, forever hopeful that these moments never pass. Those who remain beside us through it all are perhaps life's greatest gift.
The threads that keep us together are thin. Woven by strands of fate and chance, a web which bends in the breeze but is rarely strong enough to hold against a fleeting wind. Yet fleeting winds and fleeting moments are all we have and all we cling to, forever hopeful that these moments never pass. Those who remain beside us through it all are perhaps life's greatest gift.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. A soul mate's purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so out of control that you have to transform your life…”
- Elizabeth Gilbert
I got this from my friend Vivi's blog. Check her out, she's amazing.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
"It's like I wake up,
It seems not so far away.
We started out our lives for reasons,
Good or bad.
When your feelings get lost,
And friends do too.
You know that life goes on and on,
And so will you."
-Haywire, "Thinking About The Years"
I think most of us have a hard time dealing with some parts of our past. I know I do. I've always hated change, every part of me wishes the good times and people I care about would stay forever. After learning time and again that they don't, you'd think it would have sunk in by now. But for me that feeling never goes away.
This week I got the news that a friend I once knew just had a baby. She was someone I had known casually at work for about a year and a half before my car accident in 2008, someone I developed a friendship with and a fondness for after it happened. Recovery during this time was a tremendously traumatic and emotional point in my life, to say I felt lost would be an understatement. Things between Sandy and I were great but we faced a lot; she was in the hospital three times at the beginning of the year, I had my accident, we had two floods in the house and my father had a heart attack with a subsequent quadruple by-pass. Months later Sandy's mother passed away as well as a friend from my hobby club.
Because of the state I was in at the time I found it hard to be strong for Sandy, let alone myself. My friend was going through her own tough times as well and although I knew she was pushing her own hurt deep down inside, she projected a very positive attitude to everyone around. I drew strength from that, and it helped me deal with the things Sandy and I were facing and be stronger for her.
One day due to external circumstances my friend was gone unexpectedly from work. I never had a chance to say goodbye or let her know how much her attitude had helped me. We didn't stay in touch. And although I was distraught over her absence I felt that our relationship wasn't meant to continue. That we were brought together for a short time to bring something into each other's lives. She inspired me with her strength, and I think in some way I was able to help her realize (after she left a bad relationship) that she was still a good person with many amazing qualities and was worthy of someone's friendship, and eventually another man's love. In recent times she found this again and her dream of becoming a mother came true. It made me indescribably happy to hear this, and I sent her a message of congratulations.
The years since we knew each other have been the biggest period of change and growth since I was born. My friend inspired me, unknowingly, to start my blog. She never got to see how far her influence spread. Perhaps she'll know one day, somehow. Would I go back to those days if I could? I want to say no, because I'd have to face the same uncertainty about myself all over again. It was an extremely difficult time for me and at times for Sandy, who was amazing through my recovery. But in the end, all the pain was worth it because it brought me here. I know it all happened for a reason and I was meant to go through it; that car accident was one of the best things that ever happened to me and one of the single biggest turning points in my life.
Recently a good blogging friend of mine wrote, "Sometimes it can be the hardest thing, as well as the best thing, to let someone go.....for whatever reasons. Happiness CAN come from letting go." It's been a difficult lesson but I've finally come to terms with this myself. We can consume our days thinking about times we can't change, or spend them making future memories with those who are with us now. But we can't do both. We'll never fully live in our present with one foot in our past.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Hey everyone, hope you're having a good weekend (happy Monday to those of you on the opposite side of the world). It's hard to believe at this time of year but we're having a somewhat lazy couple of days here.
Welcome to the sixth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.
All are valid.
Here's how it works:
1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.
2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.
3) I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be deleted.
4) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.
And now to it...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
If discussion of sexuality offends you, please skip this post
Welcome to the final part of this series. Although over the next year I plan to write similar articles here and there, I have no intention of turning this into a dedicated 'sex blog'. But if the subject of sexuality interests you, I hope you've been getting something from these posts. References in (red) at the bottom refers to books from which I’ve drawn information or used to back up my own writing.
As a man I won't presume to tell you what you may feel during orgasm, you know far better than I ever will. Instead I'll explore why these feelings occur.
The Psychology of Orgasm
After studying written accounts from both sexes, researchers have found that psychologically men and women experience orgasm very similarly. The series of circumstances that get us there however can be quite different. Before a woman can be sexually turned-on, part of her brain must be turned off. Impulses rush to the hypothalamus (click here for photo), the part of the brain which ignites erotic feelings, sexual fantasies and registers physical sensations felt in the erogenous zones. This is triggered by testosterone, a sex and aggression hormone which both men and women have in large quantities (men average ten to a hundred times more testosterone than women). Before this can happen though, the amygdala (the fear and anxiety centre of the brain) has to be deactivated. Otherwise any external worries can interrupt the journey towards orgasm.
Men experience this as well (I know I have) but to a lesser degree. That this extra step is needed can explain why it takes women an average of three to ten times longer than most men to reach orgasm. As discussed in my last post, it's been determined biologically that the reason males come more quickly is that females who orgasm after their partners ejaculate are more likely to conceive.
The nervous system is complex, but the connection to the brain is actually quite direct. Nerves in the tip of the clitoris communicate directly with the hypothalamus; when those nerves are stimulated they boost neurological activity until a threshold is reached. This triggers a burst of impulses which releases dopamine (excites the brain's reward receptors), oxytocin (an emotional bonding hormone which also plays a role in some women's experience of orgasm during breastfeeding), and endorphins (the body's natural pain-relievers). If during orgasm the sexual stimulation stops, orgasm abruptly stops with it.
Women deeply in love with their partners are more likely to experience easy orgasms. Not that I believe for a moment that emotional attachment is necessary, but trust is a huge factor in allowing the brain to get lost in the moment.
So there you go. I know there are more of you reading than have been commenting. Sexuality is an incredibly personal subject to talk about, believe me I get that. But if you're comfortable commenting anonymously I'd love to hear your thoughts on anything I've written in this series, or based on your own experience. Thanks for reading these posts!
(1) Why Women Have Sex by Cindy M. Meston, PH.D. and David M. Buss, PH.D.
(2) The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine, M.D.
Photo credit here "Maelstroms" by G.R. "exper" 2005
Thursday, December 2, 2010
If discussion of sexuality offends you, please skip this post.
Welcome to part two of this three-part series. Although over the next year I plan to write similar articles here and there, I have no intention of turning this into a dedicated 'sex blog'. But if the subject of sexuality interests you, I hope you'll get something from these posts. Numbers in (red) refer to articles or books from which I’ve drawn information or to back up my own writing.
The Physical Experience
"You get caught up in the moment. You start aching, and sweating. You can feel every inch of your partner beside you. You feel the warmth from their body and start letting your imagination run."
-heterosexual woman, age 21 (1)
In "Human Sexual Response", Masters and Johnson determined that there are four stages in the process of orgasm:
In the excitement stage a woman's blood pressure and heart rate rise, her nipples harden, breasts plump and the areolae (surrounding the nipples) swell. Chest and tummy may become flushed, breathing increases. Within about thirty seconds from the point of stimulation the vagina becomes increasingly moist with natural lubricant. This lubrication isn't produced by a gland as you might think but is blood plasma squeezed through the vaginal tissue during vascocongestion, engorgement of this tissue due to blood rushing to these areas. A smaller amount of lubrication is secreted by the Bartholin's glands (click here for illustration) slightly below and to the left and right of the vaginal opening.
The deepest part of the vagina (in which the walls usually rest against each other) opens up like a tent. As blood flow increases the outer labia (lips) begin to draw apart. The inner lips receive extra blood and become flush with colour, and in some women the clitoris becomes erect.
The plateau stage occurs just before orgasm. The breasts, nipples and areola grow even larger, your body may become hot and flushed. Muscle tone increases, accompanied by involuntary shuddering. Heart rate and breathing increase and become irregular. The inner two-thirds of the vagina expands significantly in width and length, allowing for penetration. The upper part of the vagina balloons out, the uterus expands and lifts up from the pelvic floor muscles, tilting forward. The lower portion of the vagina swells, allowing it to "grasp" any object that enters it. Inner lips double or triple in thickness as they fill with blood, pushing the outer lips apart to ease entry. As arousal increases, the clitoris increases in length and diameter and the hood swells to protect it from too much stimulation.
At this stage there's often a tremendous amount of emotion involved, so I'll dedicate that part of it to my last post. Physiological reactions are probably more straightforward. The skin becomes more flushed, nipples, areolae and breasts larger and firmer. A series of muscle contractions occur involuntarily, spreading from the circles of muscle near the base of the spine and around the rectum, through to those that form a circle about halfway up around the vagina and deeper inside, in the muscles near the uterus.These contractions are lightning-fast and last about an eighth of a second. The muscles in the lower abdomen contract as well, with the perineum clasping and unclasping in accelerated clenches. The uterus contracts; each squeezing movement starts at the top of the uterus and flows down into the vagina. (2)
During orgasm a woman's cervix dips into her vagina. Many argue this increases the chances of pregnancy, as any semen that is present will be drawn into the uterus. Click here for some amazing photos from The Beautiful Cervix Project which show this clearly. (3)
Some also believe that the reason orgasm exists is to facilitate pregnancy. It allows the woman to remain laying down (presumably motionless), which allows her partner's sperm to travel upwards in search of an egg. This argument has a few flaws. Not all women who become pregnant have had orgasms, their partners may ejaculate before they reach orgasm, women can achieve orgasm in multiple positions and, finally, not all sexual positions require her to be lying down.
Gets the mind going, doesn't it? Does for me. :)
The final stage. Party's over, at least temporarily. The clitoris returns to its normal position, the increased colour of the inner lips fades. Heart rate, blood pressure and breathing slow within a few minutes of climax. The cervix, which hangs in the vagina from the lowest part of the uterus, stays open for about half an hour after orgasm. The uterus then goes back to its normal position. (2)
Blood also flows quickly from the nipples and areolae immediately after orgasm. This blood loss happens so quickly that the areolae become corrugated before returning to their flat, unaroused state.
Prolactin is considered to be responsible for the refractory period in men (the time after ejaculation when we're anxiously hoping to attain another erection). In women prolactin levels double immediately after you've orgasmed and stay elevated for about an hour following. It doesn't have the same effect in women, and allows for multiple orgasms. (1)
I'm so jealous.
Although this can occur during the climax stage, I want to talk about it separately because I don't think it's understood by most people. Fortunately female ejaculation is getting more attention; I believe it's something that's more common than most think and very real (a partner of mine once experienced this). It's also nothing new, having been recorded as far back as Galen in the time of Aristotle.
Female ejaculate is produced during a G-Spot orgasm. The urethral sponge (which I mentioned in the last post) is made up of erectile tissue; during arousal it becomes swollen with blood, compressing the urethra and helping prevent urination during sexual activity. As this area is stimulated, the surrounding tissue swells with fluid from the Skene's gland (click here for illustration). Contractions of the pelvic muscle during a G-Spot orgasm can cause this fluid to be expelled through the urethra. The fluid isn't urine. Tests have indicated that female ejaculate contains PAP (prostatic acid phosphatase) which is also a major component of male semen. The fluid is similar to the prostate fluid within male ejaculate, it just doesn't contain any sperm. In small quantities it can be clear, milky or yellowish. As the volume of expelled fluid increases it turns clear like water. (4) (5) (6)
Some studies have estimated that between 10%-50% of women ejaculate. It's a wide margin isn't it? But research on this is still relatively new and there's still debate on whether the G-Spot and female ejaculation even exist. For me there's no question.
From everything I've heard, G-Spot orgasms can be mind-blowing. Still I think there's far too much made of it, by both men and women. Putting on pressure to find it takes away the point of sex, that the journey's as important as the destination.
Next: The Psychological Experience
(1) "Why Women Have Sex" by Cindy M. Meston, Ph.D. and David M. Buss, Ph.D.
(2) Master's and Johnson's findings from "Woman's Experience Of Sex" by Sheila Kitzinger, 1983. Information on lubrication and Bartholin's glands through research on the internet.
(3) "The Beautiful Cervix Project"
(4) "Female Ejaculation"
(5) Female Ejaculation, the G-Spot, and the Female Prostate Gland (excellent article!)
(6) Unraveling the ancient mysteries of female ejaculation and the G-spot
Photo credit here. "woman orgasm smoke" by sombreroloco 2009-2010
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
If discussion of sexuality offends you, please skip this post.
This is a three-part series. Although over the next year I plan to write similar articles here and there, I have no intention of turning this into a dedicated 'sex blog'. But if the subject of sexuality interests you, I hope you'll get something from these posts. Numbers in (red) refer to articles or books from which I’ve drawn information or to back up my own writing.
The Wonder Of It All
Ask what subject intrigues me more than anything and my answer will always be female orgasm, hands down. It's the quintessential mystery to me, and there are few things I romanticize more. I see it as a wondrously complex symphony; an emotional burst of colours surfing glowing neon brain waves on an ocean of raw sexual pleasure. Everything about female orgasm completely and utterly amazes me.
I've learned a lot since my late teens through what I've read, from personal experience and through women I've spoken with (nothing takes the place of personal accounts). I prefer to keep my conversations private, but I will share this quote that I particularly like from "Why Women Have Sex". Which in my opinion is a must-read...
"Aching of the vaginal regions and trembling in the thighs. Every muscle in the body tightens and then a huge amount of energy is released. It feel like it comes from between my legs and ascends up my spine, absolutely zapping my brain. Oftentimes I hold my breath, my eyes shut tight, and colors appear behind my eyelids. Immediately afterward I'm very photosensitive, giddily happy, tingly, relieved, and energized."
-heterosexual woman, age 24 (1)
How can a guy not be captivated by this? :)
Female orgasm comes in different forms; clitoral, vaginal, and (less frequently), anal. Freud determined that clitoral orgasms were "infantile", that the vagina is the centre of a "mature" woman's sexual response. Put another way, a woman should be able to reach orgasm without ANY clitoral stimulation since the penis is central to every woman's sexual pleasure. As a result for decades following, millions of women felt they were sexually dysfunctional (another reason many of Freud's findings piss me off). As several women I’ve spoken to have attested, there’s no shortage of pleasure to be had without a man around.
I'm not going to quote statistics too much in this series. I've seen the results of studies by Masters and Johnson, Shere Hite, Meston and Buss, and Kinsey and their findings are often conflicting. It's generally accepted though that more women reach orgasm through clitoral stimulation than intercourse. And while orgasm might be felt in different areas, I'm seeing it more commonly argued today that the idea of vaginal orgasm is a myth, that "the vagina itself is considered to have no mechanism to stimulate pleasure or orgasm for women". (2)
The “Inside” Story (okay, bad pun)
The clitoris consists of much more beneath the surface than just the tip we're used to seeing. It surrounds the vagina similar to a horseshoe with roots that extend along the vaginal lips and back to the anus. Australian urologist Dr. Helen O’Connell said, “The vaginal wall is, in fact, the clitoris." Although the tip isn't in contact during penetration, the urethral sponge (argued by some to also be part of the clitoris) is. (2)
The G-Spot is part of this sponge, a small area of erectile tissue one to three inches inside the front vaginal wall between the opening and the urethra. The size of this spot varies considerably from person to person. These orgasms are sometimes referred to as “vaginal,” because they result from internal stimulation. The Skene's glands are contained within the urethral sponge and are responsible for female ejaculation. Not everyone believes the G-Spot and female ejaculation exist; I'll take a look at this in Part Two. Stay tuned!
Next: The Physical Experience
(1) "Why Women Have Sex"by Cindy M. Meston, Ph.D. and David M. Buss, Ph.D. 2009
(2) "The Mysterious Female Orgasm: Myths and Misconceptions" by J. Blondie, South Florida Chronicle May 20, 2010
Photo credit here. "Visual Orgasm-blue" by ChrisCold 2008-2010