Monday, December 6, 2010
"It's like I wake up,
It seems not so far away.
We started out our lives for reasons,
Good or bad.
When your feelings get lost,
And friends do too.
You know that life goes on and on,
And so will you."
-Haywire, "Thinking About The Years"
I think most of us have a hard time dealing with some parts of our past. I know I do. I've always hated change, every part of me wishes the good times and people I care about would stay forever. After learning time and again that they don't, you'd think it would have sunk in by now. But for me that feeling never goes away.
This week I got the news that a friend I once knew just had a baby. She was someone I had known casually at work for about a year and a half before my car accident in 2008, someone I developed a friendship with and a fondness for after it happened. Recovery during this time was a tremendously traumatic and emotional point in my life, to say I felt lost would be an understatement. Things between Sandy and I were great but we faced a lot; she was in the hospital three times at the beginning of the year, I had my accident, we had two floods in the house and my father had a heart attack with a subsequent quadruple by-pass. Months later Sandy's mother passed away as well as a friend from my hobby club.
Because of the state I was in at the time I found it hard to be strong for Sandy, let alone myself. My friend was going through her own tough times as well and although I knew she was pushing her own hurt deep down inside, she projected a very positive attitude to everyone around. I drew strength from that, and it helped me deal with the things Sandy and I were facing and be stronger for her.
One day due to external circumstances my friend was gone unexpectedly from work. I never had a chance to say goodbye or let her know how much her attitude had helped me. We didn't stay in touch. And although I was distraught over her absence I felt that our relationship wasn't meant to continue. That we were brought together for a short time to bring something into each other's lives. She inspired me with her strength, and I think in some way I was able to help her realize (after she left a bad relationship) that she was still a good person with many amazing qualities and was worthy of someone's friendship, and eventually another man's love. In recent times she found this again and her dream of becoming a mother came true. It made me indescribably happy to hear this, and I sent her a message of congratulations.
The years since we knew each other have been the biggest period of change and growth since I was born. My friend inspired me, unknowingly, to start my blog. She never got to see how far her influence spread. Perhaps she'll know one day, somehow. Would I go back to those days if I could? I want to say no, because I'd have to face the same uncertainty about myself all over again. It was an extremely difficult time for me and at times for Sandy, who was amazing through my recovery. But in the end, all the pain was worth it because it brought me here. I know it all happened for a reason and I was meant to go through it; that car accident was one of the best things that ever happened to me and one of the single biggest turning points in my life.
Recently a good blogging friend of mine wrote, "Sometimes it can be the hardest thing, as well as the best thing, to let someone go.....for whatever reasons. Happiness CAN come from letting go." It's been a difficult lesson but I've finally come to terms with this myself. We can consume our days thinking about times we can't change, or spend them making future memories with those who are with us now. But we can't do both. We'll never fully live in our present with one foot in our past.