i am..

 
 
cocky      headstrong             open-minded         bold           introverted   
         
       outgoing            restless             philosophical      devilish

       passionate       aggressive        stubborn        impatient                         

 childlike             uncertain          relentless          therapeutic

hero-complex      daring            skeptical              fantasy              

trusting      loving           CURIOUS      non-judgemental

adventurous       flirtatious     mischievous     secrets   bold    

sexual              confident            conversation         vulnerable  

 Introspective   exploration        playful         content     

contradictory        


me

Secret Sunday

Hey everyone, time for round thirty-three of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

The Best Post I've Read in a While

 

                         "If you try to please everyone you'll end up pleasing no one."
                                                                                    ~ unknown


  I read something yesterday that reminded me of a draft I began working on then put off to the side. The post completely held my attention and has been endlessly reverberating through me for over a day, like a huge iron bell freshly struck. I decided I had to finish writing this and tell you about it because they both tie in so well.

  It was written by 'Missy' at "oh missy me.."  I first came across her, well, I don't know how long ago but it's easily been close to a year and a half. Her writing is down-to-Earth and unpretentious, as most of ours is, and always left me wanting more (although I don't usually comment I do drop by to see what's up). But as is too often the case she had also been holding back.

 I think at some point most of us feel restrained in what we can comfortably write when familiar eyes are upon us. People who don't blog usually don't seem to "get it". Why the need to write such personal things in public? Why air your dirty laundry for the world to see, aren't you embarrassed to write that? They don't realize how therapeutic blogging is. It goes so, so far beyond simply putting our thoughts and feelings down; if that were all there was to it we'd just keep a private diary or journal. For many of us though our blogs are our heart and soul laid bare, turned inside-out and in some cases ripped from our very core. We bleed words and make no apology for it because we know there are those who feel as we do and understand. There's empowerment, strength and healing in these shared experiences.

  Often those who "get us" the most are people we've never met and most likely never will. Why? Because we share no past history. They have no preconceived notion of who we were before we came along and so, there are no surprises. Still there's always something we feel we should hold back, maybe a tough time we went through in our lives that we can't share publicly with others because we'll drag loved ones into it with us. We'll never be able to express ourselves the way we want while those closest to us read our blog. I have friends and family I love dearly who may be reading this right now and what I've written is nothing personal it's just a fact, common amongst dozens of people I've met and dare I say thousands more I haven't. Yet.

  We'll also most likely never confide in our friends and family the way we do our closest blogging friends. I say this based on the countless times you, my dear readers, have said you share things with me that you wouldn't tell anyone else. I do the same. There's a certain comfort in having that computer screen between us and when we grow to trust someone over time it often feels safer than anything we might find in 'real life'. This may sound completely counter-intuitive but it's pretty much impossible to explain to those not involved.

  So back to Missy's post. I haven't featured another blogger lately and she doesn't know I'm writing this (she will soon enough!) but her post "oh eff it" was too delicious to keep from you guys, not so much because of its content specifically but its message. Here's a girl who grew balls (as she put it), found her voice and spoke out against those who would threaten to stifle her. It's a significant step in reclaiming independence and individuality and I couldn't have been any prouder of her as I read it.

  'Missy', I always enjoyed your writing. But yesterday...wow, yesterday. You totally blew the roof off this bitch and it was a beautiful thing to see. Respect.
                                                 _____________________

  While I'm at it I'd like to also give a shout-out to Charlotte at This Path of Lilly's.  She recently came out from behind her anonymous blog and has bravely pushed on while keeping all her original posts intact for all to see. I think that's pretty admirable.

  Plus she referenced my blog several times over the past week which in itself deserves a mention. Thanks Charlotte, it's a pleasure getting to know you!

Secret Sunday

Hey everyone, time for the thirty-second round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.


All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Footsteps (poem)

here

Footsteps



Lullabyes and midnight cries
Your tiny fingers wrapped in theirs,
Big eyes that see a perfect world
Free of fears and cares.

Playpens, cribs and plastic bibs
Mommy at your beckon call,
Constant service, daddy's nervous
Are they ready for it all?

First smile, first laugh, first words and steps
Crayons, books and blocks,
Pee-pee dance in training pants
Cupboards with child-proof locks.

Climbing trees and scraping knees
A world of endless wonder,
Ask mommy why the sky is blue
And what makes rain and thunder.

Soon grade-school books and awkward looks
Bring crushes, broken hearts and then,
A high school dance, chance for romance
And love finds you again.

Praying, hoping, back seat groping
Finally leaving home,
She wears your shirts, toothbrush on your sink,
A pillow next to your own.

Next years bring a wedding ring
And with a new heartbeat your family grows,
The love of your life about to give you another
More beautiful each day as she shows.

Find yourselves in a hospital room
Holding her hand, words loving and warm,
The pain and the tears fulfill a dream held for years
As this precious creation is born.

Lullabyes and midnight cries
Mommy at her beckon call,
Constant service and you're both nervous...

Are you ready for it all?

Great Day!

 

Today was a really good day. One of my favourite blogging friends blitzed my Facebook photos with all sorts of comments, which made my morning. A friend at work approached me to talk some more, she broke up with her boyfriend last week and wasn't looking for advice or my opinion this time, just a sounding board. I live for these conversations, they're important to me and fortunately she's doing really well. Then a work situation I had been stewing over for a couple weeks got resolved this afternoon, and I finished a poem that's been sitting unfinished in my drafts for months.

   Probably the best part is that two online friends of mine seem to have put aside their differences after having a falling-out. The three of us all know each other and it's been hard but I avoided getting involved in that situation. For a while it didn't seem they'd be able to reconcile but a serious event for one of them prompted them to make up. It's too bad it takes a serious situation for that to happen but sometimes that's how it goes.

  Anyway that's about it. It was a nice change from the stress and crappiness of Monday and Tuesday, and now we're heading into the weekend. Can't wait!

Secret Sunday

Hey everyone, time for the thirty-first round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) I'd like everyone to please refrain from negatively commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else.

4) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

The Most Amazing Dream I've Ever Had

                                                            here


   When our eyelids are heavy and midnight's hush falls upon us, we never know what corners of our soul our mind will drift off to. I usually remember my dreams pretty vividly. Sometimes they're totally whacked-out (my dreams often take place in some alternate reality in which I'm the only constant and everything else is unfamiliar).  But often I'm able to read into some meaning behind them. A while ago I experienced what just might prove to be The Most Amazing Dream I've ever had.

   Follow along...

   I was in a house with some guy, we were either friends or roommates. (He's no one I know in real life). He had decided to end his life by taking handfuls of pills and for some reason was able to talk me into doing the same without much convincing. We were both very calm and matter-of-fact about the whole thing, there was no anxiety. I can promise you that I have no desire to do this and haven't had so much as even a passing thought about it. The only times I can remember feeling that low was in my late teens when I was out of school, out of work and completely unsure of what I wanted to do with my life. The other was when I was emotionally messed up after my car accident between 2008-2009.

  In my dream he must have had 8-10 different types of pills. I remember wondering what affect that combination would have, whether it would cause excruciating pain or if we'd just go to sleep. He took a bunch and swallowed, I put one or two in my mouth. I was in front of a stainless steel double kitchen sink about to swallow them when I looked out the window (I think it was either raining or overcast), and saw a beautiful girl between 18-22 outside the house looking back at me. She must have seen me take the pills. I decided then I wanted to live, leaned over the sink and let them fall from my mouth. She smiled as she looked at me and silently mouthed the words "Thank you", then walked off.

   Amazing.

   Now, most of you who know me are aware of how blogging helped me heal after my car accident and you may see the symbolism in all this.

   I believe the roommate in the dream is my past. The times I've felt despair, hopelessness, depression. Me at my weakest. My decision to give into taking the pills represents the uncertainty and doubt I felt that things would ever get better. The girl is highly symbolic. She's passion and hope, a break in the storm and represents the women in my life who inspired me to find that love for life within myself again. She's Sandy, who gave me space to feel what I felt without question and was always supportive. And she's many of you, who made me realize how much wonder I have yet to discover in life and how much I could feel towards others. She represents everything that pulled me through and in no small way, helped me keep it together.

  This moment probably endured a few seconds as it flashed through the neurons in my brain. But the memory of it may last a lifetime.

My 'Relaxing' Vacation

  

    While my American friends celebrated their country's independence today, the rest of us returned to work. This workday however, has been a day of rest for me compared to an extended weekend which proved to be somewhat of a marathon. Or a whirlwind. A marathon within a whirlwind.

   A dweam within a dweam? No, that was Princess Bride. Stay on topic.

   Right.

   Sandy was off all last week on one of her typical working vacations, spending every possible minute working in our gardens. (Okay who am I kidding. They're hers, I just get to stroll through them, smell the pretty things and lift the too-heavy stuff once in a while). I took Wednesday and Thursday off to work on our back deck, my second home as of late, finishing the sanding in preparation for staining. We stopped mid-afternoon Wednesday, cleaned up and drove an hour and a half outside town to watch my nephew graduate elementary school. The ceremony was long but pretty well done, every kid got involved and they threw in a slide show which was a bit long but entertaining. Was I really that young at their age? It seems a lifetime ago.

   Got home late.

   Thursday, sand the deck. Friday, sand the deck. Saturday, finish sanding the deck. Hey it's a pretty big structure (14' x 16') with railings and posts, so it takes a while. We stopped late Saturday, cleaned up and drove an hour outside town to visit my dad and his wife for their annual family barbeque. My sister, her kids and her boyfriend were there, my brother and his wife were there as well. We had a roast, corn-on-the-cob and potatoes which were all done on the barbeque. Caesar salad, shrimp cocktail and apple pie with whipped cream for dessert. And of course plenty of booze to wash it down. Luckily we were just finishing dinner when a nasty storm blew in. Some of us stayed out on the back deck to watch the show of wind and lightning. (God I love thunderstorms). We ended the night with a few rounds of pool.

   Got home late.

   Sunday morning I slept in until almost 9:00 (gee, lucky me). I awoke to a gorgeous clear sky, and after breakfast we sat out on the deck sipping Sandy's home-made latte. Afterwards it was back to work, where I gave the house a desperately-needed vacuuming. Is it sick I was looking forward to it? Then, back outside where Sandy and I both spent three hours applying the first coat of stain under a blazing sun. It seemed a bit of a waste at first having stripped off the old gray, weathered layer only to stain the wood gray again. But I have to admit the deck is looking great so far. Photos to come.

   Late Sunday afternoon we cleaned up. The neighbours a few doors down invited us over so we sat by the pool (didn't swim this time), shared some drinks and watermelon. I played with their dog, a very affectionate if rambunctious Doberman.

   It was a busy several days but overall a very enjoyable time. This coming Saturday we're driving an hour and a half out of town to visit my mom and her husband for their annual family barbeque. And where do you suppose we'll be on Sunday?

   Yup, working on the deck. (Edit: for those of you who have been asking, yes Sandy and I designed and built it ourselves).

Secret Sunday

Hey everyone, hope you've had a great weekend.  Time for the thirtieth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

This is open to anyone who wants to participate, whether a regular follower or casual visitor. You can participate anonymously. If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free to copy the rules.

And now to it...

On Paper Wings

One day perhaps
I’ll write all my secrets down
On sepia paper,
Fold them into an airplane
And set them free off the coast of Spain.
Or France.
No who am I kidding,
It would have to be Australia.

Always Australia.

My hopes, dreams and fears
Would be carried
Upon these fragile wings
Every crease a soul I’ve met,
Some buried deeper within the page
Than others.
To whomever finds it,
You’ll be in there somewhere.

Maybe I’ll write
All these secrets as a song
With no particular melody,
Just verse.
And if by chance
This song
Finds its way to you
Unfold it carefully
And sing me.