When our eyelids are heavy and midnight's hush falls upon us, we never know what corners of our soul our mind will drift off to. I usually remember my dreams pretty vividly. Sometimes they're totally whacked-out (my dreams often take place in some alternate reality in which I'm the only constant and everything else is unfamiliar). But often I'm able to read into some meaning behind them. A while ago I experienced what just might prove to be The Most Amazing Dream I've ever had.
I was in a house with some guy, we were either friends or roommates. (He's no one I know in real life). He had decided to end his life by taking handfuls of pills and for some reason was able to talk me into doing the same without much convincing. We were both very calm and matter-of-fact about the whole thing, there was no anxiety. I can promise you that I have no desire to do this and haven't had so much as even a passing thought about it. The only times I can remember feeling that low was in my late teens when I was out of school, out of work and completely unsure of what I wanted to do with my life. The other was when I was emotionally messed up after my car accident between 2008-2009.
In my dream he must have had 8-10 different types of pills. I remember wondering what affect that combination would have, whether it would cause excruciating pain or if we'd just go to sleep. He took a bunch and swallowed, I put one or two in my mouth. I was in front of a stainless steel double kitchen sink about to swallow them when I looked out the window (I think it was either raining or overcast), and saw a beautiful girl between 18-22 outside the house looking back at me. She must have seen me take the pills. I decided then I wanted to live, leaned over the sink and let them fall from my mouth. She smiled as she looked at me and silently mouthed the words "Thank you", then walked off.
Now, most of you who know me are aware of how blogging helped me heal after my car accident and you may see the symbolism in all this.
I believe the roommate in the dream is my past. The times I've felt despair, hopelessness, depression. Me at my weakest. My decision to give into taking the pills represents the uncertainty and doubt I felt that things would ever get better. The girl is highly symbolic. She's passion and hope, a break in the storm and represents the women in my life who inspired me to find that love for life within myself again. She's Sandy, who gave me space to feel what I felt without question and was always supportive. And she's many of you, who made me realize how much wonder I have yet to discover in life and how much I could feel towards others. She represents everything that pulled me through and in no small way, helped me keep it together.
This moment probably endured a few seconds as it flashed through the neurons in my brain. But the memory of it may last a lifetime.