Tuesday, February 15, 2011

The Fixer (revisited)

I'm in a bit of a dry spell at the moment so I'm reposting this. If there's something you'd like me to write about feel free to drop me a line, otherwise I'll be back shortly with something new.

The Fixer

Throughout the course of my writing I've had a tendency to refer back to my car accident of 2008. This is because that event brought with it many unexpected changes, one of which has been an increased interest in others. This isn't a desire to pry into people's personal lives, but an intense curiosity in what influences us. In other words, what it is that makes us tick.

As a result of building gradual trust through friendship, I've had the amazing privilege of engaging in some incredible conversation. I'm not referring to the superficial day-to-day things we all share, but rather the "My deepest fear is..." or "I've never told anybody this before, but.." conversations that can sometimes lead to the deeper "Let's see if together we can figure out why you feel this way" talks. Talks that take place only when a mutual trust and respect between friends is forged. I say mutual because trust is never, ever one-sided. If I expect someone to feel comfortable enough to open up to me, then I have to be willing to give more of myself first.

Increasingly, I've felt a desire to help other people gain insight into their problems and challenges, particularly relationships. I've carried this need for a long time, why it's more intense now I'm not sure. Again going back to the events of 2008, maybe I realized we're all here to give selflessly and we should put the focus more on others than ourselves. If I'm honest I suppose I can say there have been many times over the course of my life when I was too self-centred. Maybe to an extent we can all say that, but I'll be the first to admit I give advice much more easily and comfortably than I take it.

If there's one thing I've learned over the past couple years it's that most of us aren't as together as we show on the outside. I strongly believe that whether it relates to relationships, career, spiritual journey or other areas of our lives we all have some part of us that is looking for direction, or at least affirmation that we're on the right track. We all have something that scares us.

Most of us are fighting some internal battle, we build walls of varying heights and strengths. Some of us will let our defences down at the flash of a genuine, friendly smile. Others won't let anyone in because they never want to be hurt again. What a lot of people don't seem to realize is that although those walls may be high, even insurmountable at times, they're often pretty transparent.

I believe most people feel an inherent desire to discuss their problems, to be able to trust someone enough to listen. So many people don't show it. The challenge comes in making that connection, or rather, distinguishing between those who want to let us in and those who just want to be left alone.

So how do we make that distinction? Usually we can't, because many people are guarded. I've never tried to force someone to open up to me, all I can do is let them know I'm here to listen if they ever want to talk. When someone's ready to let us in they will. It's usually through a series of small, carefully-planted steps. That process is the most amazing thing in the world; I believe a person growing to place their trust in another enough to let their guard down is pretty much the biggest honour a person can bestow.

When someone opens up to us, their words are ours to keep safe and never betray. Treat those words as delicately as glass and hold them close to you. What may at first seem insignificant could take every bit of strength they have to share with us.

We owe it to people to listen.



  1. i couldn't agree with these words more. everyday i am fascinated by what i learn from others .... those that just happen to be your everyday 'regular' person, with such interesting stories to tell.

  2. Thanks, I've appreciated your comments. Do you have a blog? I'm a bit curious about you, unless you'd prefer to stay more anonymous. :)

  3. and thats why you are you and sooooo awesome

  4. Thank you for being so supportive!

  5. Hi Barry! How about writing on lost love and friendships? I just thought it would be a great topic... =)


  6. Your 'grass' analogy most appeals. We may be cut in two ways it would seem - picked off individually, one by one in our steps to perfection, should that be the intended goal and fantasied desire. However grass can be gone, all in one go. A quick run over, to excuse the cliché, no anaesthetic when ripping off the plaster. We are left feeling broken either way. Fallen pieces of the jigsaw lay to the side and continually turned (as if that will in some way help to determine which way we fit in).

    You talk in small graces. You define our downfalls as our graces, are they what makes us too? To know such fresh air to be blown into the sanctum that is the deep, dark and twisty - is that your gift? It may be so bold as to suggest I say it so. Too much. Maybe.

    'Deceptive' and 'crafty' is the traditional view, your modern approach of 'transparency' and 'careful steps' to help is going to be foreign to others but you must keep pushing it forward. You're hitting on something true - hesitant to write too much about in a comment.

    What I really mean is a "thank you".


  7. Hey Barry! I would like to know what books you've read, that have inspired you.

  8. Rhi, thanks!

    Joy, hmm interesting topic. I'll have to give it some thought. :)

  9. I'm really not much of a reader Stephanie, I'm mostly inspired by people insted of books. What I write tends to be from experience rather than the words of others.