A Foolish Heart's View of Love (Part Two)

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"Love is friendship set on fire."

-Jeremy Taylor

  We all find what works for us within our relationships. What I'm going to say might challenge some of your views and while I don't intend to personally explore everything covered here, I don't judge those whose pursuit of love falls outside accepted social norms. The dynamics of many types of relationships has changed over the past several decades. Just as the traditional family unit with stay-at-home mom has become the exception rather than the rule, the parameters of romantic relationships have changed.  And along with it, I believe, the way we define and express love. Exactly how we express it is up to each of us to decide; so many boundaries have been pushed that what was once black and white has shifted into many subtle shades of gray.

Love's Many Flavours

  What comes to mind when you hear the word love? For me as with most of us it's in the romantic sense, arguably the most intense of all feelings. There's fierce loyalty that often accompanies familial love (feelings toward family members) and platonic love as felt for friends, same-sex or otherwise. (One buddy and I always demonstrate this as an "I love you man", in the most innocuous of ways). But we know we both mean it.

  Very common for me is a feeling of fondness and affection, towards female friends on-line or otherwise. While I recognize these as friendships I also don't treat them the same way as I would with my male friends; before ever meeting me a female friend was a woman first, and remains so. It's impossible for me to ignore this, and as a result my language is completely different than with men. While I express affection more comfortably I also find myself closely weighing every word I speak or write. Male-female friendships are incredibly rewarding, but require more conscious thought for one who tends to wear his heart on his sleeve.

Spreading The Love

  Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Absolutely. Equally? Yes. It's been said the heart doesn't divide, it multiplies. I fully agree with this and believe the heart has an infinite capacity to love. Looking at it as a whole, having feelings for another doesn't take any amount of love away from your partner. Love's a flame, which doesn't diminish in size or intensity when it's passed on. It is a constant, it's our perception of circumstances that will change the way we feel about it.

  Some people have more than one long-term romantic partner at once and this arrangement works very well, as evidenced in the increasing popularity of polygamy and polyamourous relationships, both of which require full consent and acceptance from each partner. This isn't for me, although I find the whole thing quite interesting. Fortunately during the course of my marriage I've never loved anyone with the intensity in which I love Sandy, I couldn't imagine loving two people at the same time and having to make that choice. Some people don't choose, which leads me to the next topic. Affairs.

Torn Between Two Lovers

  Most of us will agree that affairs are wrong. I don't argue this. This past year two people have allowed me a very intimate look into their affairs and I've learned that things aren't as black and white as they appear to outsiders. I have a better understanding of the emotions and thinking involved; I understand how it's possible to love two people and be emotionally torn when each brings very different things into your life. I acknowledge the destruction that an affair can bring with it but while I still feel it's fundamentally wrong I'm far less judgemental than I used to be.

Love Thy Neighbour

  I'm going to turn to the subject of sex for a bit ("No way Barry," I hear you say. "What are the chances of YOU talking about sex?") This time 'round though it's not sex for its own sake, but within the context of a loving relationship. I think the majority of us view physical intimacy as an expression of love between two people, so let me complicate things here a little and spin a scenario for you.

  You're in a great relationship with your partner.  You both agree you're satisfied emotionally, there's no love lacking between you and you feel no need to search for it elsewhere.  Pillow talk of shared fantasies leads to the discovery of a mutual decision to invite another into your bed.

  So let me ask you...does a willingness to share your partner with another, if only for an evening, demonstrate love for him/her or a lack of caring? To my mind, this is perhaps the ultimate expression of selflessness within a healthy relationship. (I differentiate between a situation such as this and one in which it's done to comensate for something lacking between you).

  Some have told me they'd never share their partner with another, the reluctance of which to me is completely understandable. I've also talked at length with many who have enjoyed a tryst such as this, those who plan to and some who dream it but aren't sure they'd ever follow through.  All are in loving relationships, the vast majority who have participated said that (despite the potential harm) it's strengthened their bond. Is this an expression of love when done to please your partner?  That depends on your view, I believe there's no definite right or wrong and I'd love to hear your answer.

In Closing

  Before you begin wondering if I cling to any traditional beliefs at all, let me say this. I believe there's nothing greater than love. I believe that two people (regardless of gender), brought together to share one heart are an unstoppable force. I believe in sappy cards, romantic poetry, candlelight baths and moonlit walks. I believe in losing yourself in someone as long as you don't lose who you are when you're with them. And I believe when you hold someone in your heart, with you in theirs, you can get through anything. This for me will never change.