The Most Amazing Dream I've Ever Had

                                                            here


   When our eyelids are heavy and midnight's hush falls upon us, we never know what corners of our soul our mind will drift off to. I usually remember my dreams pretty vividly. Sometimes they're totally whacked-out (my dreams often take place in some alternate reality in which I'm the only constant and everything else is unfamiliar).  But often I'm able to read into some meaning behind them. A while ago I experienced what just might prove to be The Most Amazing Dream I've ever had.

   Follow along...

   I was in a house with some guy, we were either friends or roommates. (He's no one I know in real life). He had decided to end his life by taking handfuls of pills and for some reason was able to talk me into doing the same without much convincing. We were both very calm and matter-of-fact about the whole thing, there was no anxiety. I can promise you that I have no desire to do this and haven't had so much as even a passing thought about it. The only times I can remember feeling that low was in my late teens when I was out of school, out of work and completely unsure of what I wanted to do with my life. The other was when I was emotionally messed up after my car accident between 2008-2009.

  In my dream he must have had 8-10 different types of pills. I remember wondering what affect that combination would have, whether it would cause excruciating pain or if we'd just go to sleep. He took a bunch and swallowed, I put one or two in my mouth. I was in front of a stainless steel double kitchen sink about to swallow them when I looked out the window (I think it was either raining or overcast), and saw a beautiful girl between 18-22 outside the house looking back at me. She must have seen me take the pills. I decided then I wanted to live, leaned over the sink and let them fall from my mouth. She smiled as she looked at me and silently mouthed the words "Thank you", then walked off.

   Amazing.

   Now, most of you who know me are aware of how blogging helped me heal after my car accident and you may see the symbolism in all this.

   I believe the roommate in the dream is my past. The times I've felt despair, hopelessness, depression. Me at my weakest. My decision to give into taking the pills represents the uncertainty and doubt I felt that things would ever get better. The girl is highly symbolic. She's passion and hope, a break in the storm and represents the women in my life who inspired me to find that love for life within myself again. She's Sandy, who gave me space to feel what I felt without question and was always supportive. And she's many of you, who made me realize how much wonder I have yet to discover in life and how much I could feel towards others. She represents everything that pulled me through and in no small way, helped me keep it together.

  This moment probably endured a few seconds as it flashed through the neurons in my brain. But the memory of it may last a lifetime.

My 'Relaxing' Vacation

  

    While my American friends celebrated their country's independence today, the rest of us returned to work. This workday however, has been a day of rest for me compared to an extended weekend which proved to be somewhat of a marathon. Or a whirlwind. A marathon within a whirlwind.

   A dweam within a dweam? No, that was Princess Bride. Stay on topic.

   Right.

   Sandy was off all last week on one of her typical working vacations, spending every possible minute working in our gardens. (Okay who am I kidding. They're hers, I just get to stroll through them, smell the pretty things and lift the too-heavy stuff once in a while). I took Wednesday and Thursday off to work on our back deck, my second home as of late, finishing the sanding in preparation for staining. We stopped mid-afternoon Wednesday, cleaned up and drove an hour and a half outside town to watch my nephew graduate elementary school. The ceremony was long but pretty well done, every kid got involved and they threw in a slide show which was a bit long but entertaining. Was I really that young at their age? It seems a lifetime ago.

   Got home late.

   Thursday, sand the deck. Friday, sand the deck. Saturday, finish sanding the deck. Hey it's a pretty big structure (14' x 16') with railings and posts, so it takes a while. We stopped late Saturday, cleaned up and drove an hour outside town to visit my dad and his wife for their annual family barbeque. My sister, her kids and her boyfriend were there, my brother and his wife were there as well. We had a roast, corn-on-the-cob and potatoes which were all done on the barbeque. Caesar salad, shrimp cocktail and apple pie with whipped cream for dessert. And of course plenty of booze to wash it down. Luckily we were just finishing dinner when a nasty storm blew in. Some of us stayed out on the back deck to watch the show of wind and lightning. (God I love thunderstorms). We ended the night with a few rounds of pool.

   Got home late.

   Sunday morning I slept in until almost 9:00 (gee, lucky me). I awoke to a gorgeous clear sky, and after breakfast we sat out on the deck sipping Sandy's home-made latte. Afterwards it was back to work, where I gave the house a desperately-needed vacuuming. Is it sick I was looking forward to it? Then, back outside where Sandy and I both spent three hours applying the first coat of stain under a blazing sun. It seemed a bit of a waste at first having stripped off the old gray, weathered layer only to stain the wood gray again. But I have to admit the deck is looking great so far. Photos to come.

   Late Sunday afternoon we cleaned up. The neighbours a few doors down invited us over so we sat by the pool (didn't swim this time), shared some drinks and watermelon. I played with their dog, a very affectionate if rambunctious Doberman.

   It was a busy several days but overall a very enjoyable time. This coming Saturday we're driving an hour and a half out of town to visit my mom and her husband for their annual family barbeque. And where do you suppose we'll be on Sunday?

   Yup, working on the deck. (Edit: for those of you who have been asking, yes Sandy and I designed and built it ourselves).

Secret Sunday

Hey everyone, hope you've had a great weekend.  Time for the thirtieth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

This is open to anyone who wants to participate, whether a regular follower or casual visitor. You can participate anonymously. If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free to copy the rules.

And now to it...

On Paper Wings

One day perhaps
I’ll write all my secrets down
On sepia paper,
Fold them into an airplane
And set them free off the coast of Spain.
Or France.
No who am I kidding,
It would have to be Australia.

Always Australia.

My hopes, dreams and fears
Would be carried
Upon these fragile wings
Every crease a soul I’ve met,
Some buried deeper within the page
Than others.
To whomever finds it,
You’ll be in there somewhere.

Maybe I’ll write
All these secrets as a song
With no particular melody,
Just verse.
And if by chance
This song
Finds its way to you
Unfold it carefully
And sing me.

The Scar Project- In The Shape of a Heart

  My second submission is from Heather H. at Gypsy Bitsy (thanks Heather!). During a conversation we had last month she mentioned a scar she's had for a few years, which has healed in the shape of a heart (the point is to the left and up a little in the photo). I like the sybolism of it. Here's her story..


 "The incense stick was labeled 'Rain'. It smelled like wet pavement and pine trees, a thick aroma wafting through my bedroom. It wasn't supposed to be burning. It wasn't even supposed to be in the house. My parents' house.
  
  No fire allowed behind closed doors, period. Father was adamant I'd burn the house down 'one of these days' with my collection of candles and incense--or I'll set off the smoke alarm, wake him up, can't I just knock it off?

  No.

  I can't. I'm Seventeen. Hurtling like a star through an uncertain sky, burning bright with every emotion on the spectrum. So many colors at once that the world turns white--the tip of the incense stick touches my skin, the pain is there, but I only feel gravity. Relief. Release. A small amount of blood, the tissue turning to gum, and when I'm done, I know this won't be the end.

   I've been cutting since middle school. This is my forth or fifth burn. The first in a prominent spot. Why should I cover it?--pretend to be fine?

   I've set off an alarm. The bells are ringing, loud, but not so clear. "What happened?"


  Father will insist I "see someone about that". He cannot say what exactly, will not specify. He will not look at it, will not look at me, for months. But I will see someone. A counselor. She will ask, "how did that make you feel". And I will say something snide. Flip my hair. I will not remember anything about those sessions except for the square of her office, the dead roses she kept in a vase, her Nordstrom Rack shoes with the barcode still on the bottom.

  I see this woman as an obstacle to my freedom. Father says that if I see her once a week, I can see the boy that I'm in love with. After three months, this boy will ask me "what happened". He will be the first to love me, the first to give me permission to love myself, and he will kiss my scar as it's healing, and he will tell me "please don't hurt yourself anymore, you don't see it, but you're hurting me, too".

  It's been about six years since the last time I hurt myself, but I still have the scars. This scar, the burn on my wrist, is something people see every day. Some people ask what it's from. Some people assume. But I rarely answer directly. I say, "oh, I burned myself a long time ago," and then I say, "but look how cool it is, it's healed into a heart".

   This is a symbol of hope, a physical reminder that as resilient as the body is the soul is even more so.

  Our scars are our stories, and our stories are what we make them."


I'm still looking for more submissions so if you have a scar and want to share your story please contact me.

Secret Sunday

Hey everyone, time for the twenty-ninth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously. If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free to copy the rules.

What's your deepest secret?...

Just One of Those Things...

  Y’know those moments where something seems so funny you laugh until you cry and just can’t stop? Then when you finally compose yourself you happen to think of it and totally lose it all over? That was today.


  One of the girls at work said she was going to see a play, which started this conversation..

Girl #1: “I’m going to see Richard the Third.”
Girl #2: “Do you have an appointment?”
     Me: “Yeah, he’s probably busy.”

  This sent Girl #2 and I into hysterics to the point of crying. Girl #1 just kinda looked at us all funny then started to crack up too.

  Fast forward to dinner tonight.

  I tell Sandy the story and lose it again. She‘s looking at me like I‘m possessed, I go through about four tissues to dry my eyes before once more gaining control. Then this happens..

Sandy: “I suppose King Lear was out of the question.”
     Me: “He was unavailable.”

  What followed was another ten minutes of my life I’ll never get back. You had to be there, but damn was it funny!

  My head hurts.

A Greater Understanding- Depression

                                   personal LoveReminder

 

   I began my "Greater Understanding" series as a way of addressing life's heavier subjects through the words of those who have lived them. I think it's important to talk about these issues, getting them out in the open will hopefully help dissolve some of the mystery and stigma surrounding them. Acknowledgement and understanding are I believe the first steps towards healing.

 Today's post on depression was written by Heather H. from Gypsy Bitsy. Heather and I have recently become friends and she's challenged my thinking on things I thought I had all the answers to. It's been interesting to say the least.

  In her words...    


  "When a person is born with a physical disability—a shortened leg, or only one lung—the world would never expect that person to ‘just get over it’. When a person has a disability, they learn how to use their bodies—make the most of their physical experience—they learn to navigate the world differently and perhaps more preciously because of their disability.
  In many ways Depression is a disability. One popular drug company’s commercial asks: Where does Depression hurt?
  The answer is: Everywhere.
  When I was seventeen I was diagnosed with Chronic Depression.
  And unfortunately, I wasn’t prescribed ‘chronic’ for my Depression. The doctor put me on Zoloft. A drug that—five years later—was prescribed to my friend Carly and is likely to have caused the volatile moodswing that resulted in her suicide.
  When I was on Zoloft my brain was only working at half-speed. And for someone like me, whose personality is largely based on mental prowess, it was HIGHLY disturbing. My usual bright banter and sarcastic quips slowed down to a crawl. I felt like a tennis player standing around at the Wimbledon, no longer sure what the racket is for.
  FUCK THIS SHIT.
  I wrote it in all caps across the spine of my binder. Threw away the Zoloft. & woke up my brain, let’s get out of here.
  If people can run marathons with metal legs, and swim with no arms, surely—I thought—Depression shouldn’t be that hard to deal with.
  But the thing about Depression is that it’s a Tricky, GREEDY, Bastard. Those who are affected by Depression understand that statement.
  Depression wants it all.
  Body.
  Mind.
  Spirit.
  Heart.
  Depression can make us fat, or emaciate us. It can make us crazy. It can break the spirit, break the heart.
  Depression makes us selfish, because when anyone is in an excruciating amount of pain they are not willing or able to help anyone else.
  But mostly, Depression makes us liars.
  We buy into the propaganda in our heads. We start believing we’re worthless, or that the world is an ugly place, we believe that other people will never love or understand us because of our disability. We believe those things so much, that we might even share those lies with other people.
  So how do you ‘get over it’?
  If you’re like me, with Chronic Depression, or Major Depression, or have a Mood Disorder, here’s step one: Go find a mirror, look at yourself, and tell yourself that it’s okay.
  Telling yourself that it’s okay is the first step, because no healing can take place without acceptance.
  Whenever your Depression crops up acknowledge it straight away. Remember, it’s a tricky greedy bastard, it will only get louder if it’s ignored. So look at that M-Eff-er, and say: Hey, Asshole, I’ve got a life to lead, and goals to make, and I don’t need to carry around your sixty pounds of bullshit and lies everywhere I go because I know better than what you’re telling me.
  Take back control from the voices in your head.
  Tell yourself whatever you need to hear. Tell yourself the Truth.
  Get past your pride and start asking for what you need from other people in your life. If you need to be told you’re loved more often, ask more often. If you need a hug, ask for one. Don’t stare at your phone waiting for people to call you, call them. The more you put yourself out there, the more people will reciprocate.
  Stop crouching your spirit under your Depression label. Say ‘I experience Depression’, rather than, ‘I am Depressed’. ‘Depressed’ is not my name. I am Heather. You are you. Make that distinction clear to yourself.
  Staving off Depression is a constant battle.
  Do not be seduced by the Enemy. Don’t dress it up in fancy black clothes and feed it comfort food, or play its favorite sad music, NEVER let it get you alone. It won’t hesitate. As soon as you’re weak enough, comfortable enough with this lethargy, Depression will take you to the darkest corner of your mind and convince you end your own life.
  It’s a lie.
  Write the truth: I [Name Here] am loved. I am capable of living a meaningful, successful, life. I matter. My life matters. There are things I enjoy: [make list]. People I love: [make list] And things I still want to experience: [make list].
  Keep these lists close to you. In your wallet is a great place. Especially if Depression comes hunting you at the mall or at a party in a room full of people.
  Lastly, there are many good Anti-Depressant medications that have been very helpful tools in fighting Depression. However, because Depression is a tricky greedy bastard, it’s not always satisfied by having the chemical balance restored in the body, it’s already shaped the way the thought process in the brain works—and so it’s important to also have a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist to talk to if you’re on medication.
  Suicide risk increases with many Anti-Depressants.
 
To Review:


1. Tell yourself that it’s okay. Depression is a type of disability, but you are not Abnormal.


2. Recognize that Depression is a tricky greedy bastard. Catch that guy at the door, block his entrance. Throw down like in Macaulay Culkin in HomeAlone.


3. Retrain the ‘Voice in Your Head’ to sound more like your best friend. Your inner voice should be kind, supportive, inquisitive, patient, like your best friend would be. (If your best friend is as much of an asshole to you as the Voice of Depression, get rid of him/her immediately)


4. Start asking for what you need. Don’t assume that people know your needs and are withholding. Like John Mayer said, “if you want more love, why don’t you say so?” It’s a rhetorical question.


5. Understand the difference between who you are, and what Depression is.


6. Depression is the enemy. Address its body of lies. Make it real. Then, kick it in the groin.


7. Write your Truths, to dismantle Depression’s lies. “Actually, I am pretty.” “People do love me, here are their names”


8. TALK TO A PROFESSIONAL, especially if you’re on medication. Friends are wonderful resources, so is family, but they are not mental health professionals, and even if they are it’s good to have someone who is an unbiased safe-zone.

Good luck, Warriors. & remember, I’m on the battlefield with you everyday. & so are millions of others. You are not alone.You are loved."


  Heather, thanks for taking the time to contribute. I'm thankful you were able to fight back and not let this consume you. It would be a shame if we never met.

Secret Sunday

Hey everyone, I hope your weekend was as good as mine! Time for the twenty-eighth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously. If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free to copy the rules.

And now to it...

The Scar Project- First Submission

  Most of us have scars from something, self-inflicted or otherwise. Some have a great story behind them, others are painful reminders of things we'd rather forget. But all are part of the journey of our lives. I'd like to feature yours on my blog; if you're interested in participating please check here for details. I'm in no way trying to romanticize or glamorize the wounds life gives us.  My hope is that sharing them might help raise awareness in some of what others have gone through.

  My first submission comes from Fenella, though it's a bit long it was an interesting read. In her words...

  "I had a benign tumour, called a Focal Nodular Hyperplasia on my liver. It measured 10 x 9 x 9 cms or thereabouts. Anyway, it's my favourite scar, it has such a long story behind it. Oh and feel free to use my name, I'm proud of what I went through!"

August 27, 2010

   "I was awoken around 5.45am to prepare for surgery. I was met by a lovely smelling nurse and the anaesthetist, who proceeded to try to find my horrid veins. In the mean time the nurse packed me under a blanket that had warm air pumped into it, it was very cosy indeed. Next thing I was aware of was them telling me that I would begin to feel tired and I was out like a light.

   "Fast forward through all the surgery bits, coz I have no idea what they did! I woke up in my room, or at least that's the first memory I have. I was in a single room, hooked up to oxygen via a facial mask. I later discovered I had a drain in my stomach, coming from my liver, a catheter so I didn't have to get up to wee and a central line straight into my neck to administer IV drugs and to easily take bloods. I also had a PCA – a Patient Controlled Analgesic device. This contained morphine and I could press a little button and administer it to myself as required. I had a drip line feeding me ketamine too, this is a common analgesia used after surgeries (as well as an illegal party drug). I was fairly comfortable, though I did ask for a nose prong oxygen mask rather than the facial mask. The only weird thing for me was the anaesthetic drugs had wonked my eyes, I couldn't focus any further than a couple of feet in front of me.

   "Of course a lot of my memory of this time is really broken, but I do remember the first night having a bad reaction to the ketamine they were giving me. I'd started feeling uneasy and unsettled and it escalated into me feeling terrified and really unwell and unhappy. They took me off it immediately and within 20 mins I started to feel a lot calmer and happier.

   "On my 4th day of admission I was told that I could go home. When I woke up the next day I was feeling ok, refreshed but still like a complete space cadet. Then everything went pear shaped! By mid afternoon I was in a huge amount of pain and it was escalating. By late afternoon I was pacing the house, crying, moaning and wondering where the heck it had all gone wrong.

   "I knew I had to get back to the hospital, so my friend who is now an absolute angel in my eyes, picked me up and we met my Dad at the hospital. I was suffering more than I ever had, more than the very first few hours out of surgery and I knew things weren't right. Within 20 mins I was in an E.R. bed. Things moved slowly that night, but I was given lots more pain relief and felt a lot happier. I spent about 24 hours in the E.R, most of those waiting for a bed to become available up on my old ward. Eventually I was given some disgusting contrast liquid that supposedly tasted like aniseed. I had to drink that and then wait for my CT scan that had been booked in. I had my CT scan done, they injected a different contrast into me and I was taken back up to my E.R. bed. By 7pm I got the word that I was to move back up to my old ward. To say I was happy was an understatement. Eventually I was wheeled up on a wheelchair and settled into my new bed on 7 East. I felt like I'd come home and immediately relaxed into my new environment. I then spent another 4 days on 7 East.

   "I had plenty of visitors in my time in hospital which was great. I must say the nurses I had were by far the best I've ever had. Always smiling and nothing was too much for them. I developed quite a healthy crush on one of them, a gorgeous red head who was chirpy and ever so sexy. I got to spend quite a bit of time with her, so that made my days entirely sunnier. She was the one who removed my staples, well some of them. She had a student nurse with her and after she'd removed a few I asked the student nurse if she wanted to remove the rest. She was excited to be given the task. Thankfully it was a painless procedure and after a few minutes all 30 staples had been removed.

   "The next day I was given the all clear to head home, after 10 accumulated days in hospital. In hindsight, they never should've sent me home after 4 days. It was far too soon and I'm not surprised I ended up back in hospital. But I'm very happy with everything else that happened. I've got a nice clean scar that is healing really well. During my first visit home, I entirely felt that the surgery had been a big mistake and I was wishing that I'd never had it done. But now that I'm feeling better and am far more relaxed, I realise that it really was worth it."

after surgery

ten months later

Thanks for this Fen, it means a lot to me! I've enjoyed getting to know you.

Our Anniversary Dinner

  
Last night Sandy and I went out for dinner at The Keg to celebrate our 14th wedding anniversary. (Some of you in the US may be familiar with The Keg, for anyone else who isn't it's a steakhouse restaurant). Here’s our evening…

   Since we're without reservations there's a twenty to thirty minute wait, which we happily spend on the outdoor patio. We're seated in front of a big glass wall with a cascading water feature, which obscures the busy road behind it. Nice touch. I'm driving tonight and don't plan to drink until dinner so I ask for a glass of ice water. Sandy orders a Miami Haze (Polar Ice vodka, peach schnapps, mango, orange and pineapple juice with a splash of cranberry cocktail), which she thoroughly enjoys. She seems somewhat charmed by the cuteness of our blonde server but I, of course, am oblivious to it all. (at least for the purposes of this post). During the conversation I quickly calculate that at twenty years old our talkative waitress would have been one when Sandy and I first met.  At this moment I hate math more than ever.

   After a short time our table is called. Being of typically modern, contemporary decor the restaurant is dimly lit. We take our seats and as we peruse the menu I ask our server for some candles. Not so much to set the stage for romance as to cast some light, since neither of us have our reading glasses and can barely read the menu. Kill me now.

   A basket of piping hot sourdough bread with churned butter is brought to our table. Sandy orders an Argentinian malbec to drink paired with a prime rib steak, twice-baked potatoes and sauteed mushrooms. I'm having an Oscar sirloin (topped with shrimp, scallops and asparagus tips in a Bernaise sauce) with a side of rice pilaf and Rosemont Estates shiraz to wash it down. God I love Australian reds.

   We chat as we wait for dinner. Sandy looks great, this girl knows how to dress. Our meal arrives and it's delicious, they never disappoint at this restaurant. I’m warned that the horseradish has a potent kick but decide to attack it anyway, and it fights back. My sinuses are flooded with a prickly sensation that rattles around in my brain before escaping out my ears; it’s the culinary equivalent of Steve Carell in The Forty-Year-Old Virgin getting his chest waxed. With each bite I utter a stream of silent expletives, until seconds later the flavour settles upon my palette. It’s a deliciously twisted game.

   Dessert time. Sandy’s weapon of choice is a B-52 coffee with a bowl of French Vanilla ice cream.  Quite decadent. I order warm apple crumble topped with vanilla ice cream and a tea. We end dinner with a toast of complimentary champagne before heading home, where we have an enthusiastic romp between the sheets before drifting blissfully off to sleep.



The End.


(Actually there's no romping, we're too stuffed to do anything. With heads on our pillows, the night ends with whispers of days to come, each bringing us closer than the last. What more could one ask for?)

PS: For the benefit of some of you who are wondering, here's what Sandy wore. I love this outfit:

Secret Sunday

All I want

To know of you

Is everything.

21 Things About Me

• I'm 5'11"
• I once rode a rollercoaster in my pajamas
• My navel is slightly off-centre
• My brother and I used to catch snakes. One day they got loose in the basement and I almost didn't see my next birthday
• Russell Peters and I used to do amateur stand-up together Tuesday nights in Toronto. Not as an act but the same night, same line-up, same stage. He was a lot of fun even back then
• I think women look just as beautiful when they're pregnant
• People find me very open-minded. I can't remember the last time I was shocked or repulsed by a desire or experience someone shared with me
• Although I'm not bisexual I think they're some of the most beautiful people in the world. The ability to find beauty and attraction in both sexes is amazing to me
• I used to have an intense dislike for cats and now have three of them
• I've never had a cup of coffee in my life (excluding the flavoured kind)
• I don't smoke, never have
• I don't like hockey
• I think the nape of the neck is incredibly sexy
• Justin Bieber still annoys me and it kills me to admit he has some talent
• I used to have hayfever, allergies to ragweed and cut grass but I've almost completely grown out of it
• I'm still allergic to all nuts, bananas and penicillin
• I love summer, can't stand winter
• People share incredibly personal things with me. I'll take every one of these secrets to my grave
• I once let a dozen springy Tiggers loose on a shelf in Walmart. You should have heard the noise
• I have a very wide taste in music. A friend has recently turned me on more to new country which I swore would never happen
• If I could live anywhere else in the world it would be Australia hands-down

Acceptance

"Open-minded isn't about taking the liberal view. Open-minded is being able to see all sides indiscriminately”
    ~ Heather, Gypsy Bitsy (taken with permission from one of our conversations)
 

"Just Friends"

 
One question that's always caught my interest is, "Can men and women just be friends?" I think in general this is asking if friendship can exist where there's a potential for attraction, so in fairness I'll say that it can also apply to same-sex friendships. But for this post I'll talk about it from a heterosexual view since it's all I've ever known.

   Male/female friendships seem to have the odds stacked against them from the start. I don't think most people believe men and women can be friends without something eventually getting in the way (romantic feelings on one side or jealousy from someone outside the friendship). I agree it happens a lot, still these friendships can and do work. The relationships I have with females are incredibly rewarding; not only do I get to see things through a woman's eyes but often by those of a different generation. And though some of these friends haven't yet or won't ever experience the things I have, I'm amazed at how much I've been able to learn from them and how much common ground we share.

   Opposite-sex friendships can be precarious. I'm a bit guarded and mindful of what I say with some, because I don't always see my female friends the same way I do my buddies. Maybe I should, but I don't. I have a love for my male friends but with the women in my life it just feels different, runs deeper. It's hard to explain other than there's a different set of emotions that come into play that I don't experience in my relationships with the guys.

   So what does this all mean, is there a chance of someone feeling something more? Sure, there's always the possibility that feelings will grow between people in any kind of relationship whether it's personal or professional. But I don't think it should ever stop us from developing these relationships. If we don't allow ourselves to feel deeply for anyone else we're robbing ourselves of some amazing experiences. I've never seen attraction as a reason to immediately end a friendship, if a relationship is worth having it's worth talking things through. But if it can't be worked out then someone needs to say goodbye .

   Before Sandy and I met I had a friend who liked me. I mean, really liked me. Her feelings were obvious to everyone; her best friend, my friends and me. But she wouldn't admit to it. She was very intelligent, into music and The Arts, good company and generally just fun to hang around with. And we did.  I knew how she felt but for me it didn't go further. One weekend we took a trip out of town (to the Shaw Festival at Niagara-On-The-Lake for those of you who know where that is). We stayed overnight at a bed and breakfast, slept in the same bed but nothing happened. It could have but I wasn't interested.

   I met Sandy a short while later and found that connection I was looking for. Today we have a great relationship and both of us have opposite-sex friendships. We accept these people as part of our lives; there's no drama, no one's ever acted out and all relationships are respected. Within the parameters of these friendships has been a lot of affection, love and words shared through good and bad times. I wouldn't want it any other way.

The Scar Project

 

                                                               here


 I've started a project that I'm hoping some of you will be interested in participating in. I was talking with a blogging friend of mine who used to self-harm (cut) back in high school, which thankfully she no longer does. During our conversation she told me that one of her cuts has scarred into the shape of a heart. I was struck by the symbolism of this and it got me wondering how many people have a similar story to tell.

  Most of us have scars from something, self-inflicted or otherwise. Some have a great story behind them, others are painful reminders of things we'd rather forget. But all are part of the journey of our lives. I hope you'll share yours for my latest blogging venture, "The Scar Project". What I'm looking for is a photo of a scar that has significance to you for any reason whatsoever, with a written story (long or short) behind it. You don't have to mention where it is on you if you'd rather not. I'm also looking for stories of emotional scars, whether or not you feel they've healed. Let me know if I can include your name, if you prefer to remain anonymous I promise to respect that.

  This is in no way meant to romanticize or glamorize the wounds life gives us.  My hope is that sharing your stories might raise awareness for some people of what others have gone through. I've always thought it's important for people to know they're not alone in their experiences.

  Please contact me with submissions, questions or comments at barrysquotations@gmail.com .  I'll reveal the results in a future post.

Phone A Friend

 

  Yesterday I got an e-mail from a good blogging friend who's struggling with things some loved ones are facing. I began to answer her e-mail and thought, why write when I can call? And so, after holding onto her number for months I phoned her for the first time. Needless to say she wasn't expecting my call and took a few seconds to realize who I was. When she did it was like a 1400 mile hug.

  We've known each other for almost two years. I first came across her blog when she was completely anonymous, gradually she grew comfortable with me and today we can confide in each other about anything. It was great hearing her voice on the phone, we were able to talk through what she was dealing with a little and have a few laughs along the way.  I  was even able to let her talk with Sandy.  And it got me wondering how many of us have been able to do this.

  Have you ever called or mailed a blogging friend?

Secret Sunday

I haven't had time to post this yet so I'm taking a quick break before the day gets away on me. This is the twenty-sixth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously. If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free to copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Of Past Crushes and Swimming Pools

 
It's a calm Saturday night and our friends Kayla and Matt have invited Sandy and I to join them at their place for dinner. As we count down the numbers along their street I'm struck by how surreal this moment is.

  It was seemingly forever ago that I first met Kayla. I was a young man with his whole life ahead of him, she was a few years younger and, as a friend of my brother's, off-limits. This was never established verbally but rather self-imposed, because although there was nothing beyond friendship between them I secretly hoped there would be. Hoping against the attraction I felt towards her.

  Time passed and we lost touch, I eventually met and married Sandy.

  I vividly recall my reaction when I turned and saw her standing before me once more at my brother's wedding last Fall. Later that night my sister in her inebriated glory would announce in front of Kayla, her husband and my wife the crush I used to have on this girl. A crush that until then had been neatly folded and kept in a little box, tucked away in some dusty corner in the mist of time for almost twenty-five years. K was completely unaware. Months later we would discuss it briefly, then never again. Not much needs to be spoken, that was then and this is now.

  Visiting Kayla and Matt is like stepping into a different world, so far removed from the surroundings in which I recall seeing her as a girl on the cusp of her adult years. The house is beautiful. The property is beautiful. The cars are beautiful. Later on in the evening she confesses an extreme uneasiness and guilt over it all. She comes from a modest upbringing and seemingly will never be completely comfortable with the life they have built together and worked so hard for. I casually tease her about how pretentious she seems and she's all over me for it, mortified at the thought of being seen as flamboyant.

  "Really? You think so?"

  "No Kayla, I'm kidding," I grin. She is by nature humble, always has been.

  Her son and mother show up briefly for dinner and I smile as I watch them all interact. I never envisioned this girl I knew as a teenager having children of her own. Soon the four of us are alone again, joking and singing "Munumuna" by the Muppets and trying our hand at hoola-hoops in the foyer. We're all unsuccessful except for Kayla, whose belly-dancing experience I feel gives her an unfair advantage. Her smile recalls memories of days half a lifetime ago.

  After a meal of barbequed chicken, vegetables and bumble-crumble pie with French vanilla ice cream we all adjourn outside and sit around the fire pit. Kayla announces she's going into the pool and returns in her swimsuit, Sandy and Matt elect to stay by the fire and chat so I get changed and join her in the water. It's heated to 85 degrees and is very inviting, wonderful. We race each other to the end, splash like kids and see how long we can sit on the bottom of the deep end. Steam rises off the pool in the cool night air as we keep afloat and talk about everything we can think of. Our spouses continue their chat, sitting beneath oversized umbrellas to keep off a light drizzle that has begun to fall.  The faint din of their conversation carries on the breeze above our heads. Kayla points out how much the raindrops look like diamonds as they dance and shimmer on the still surface of the pool, I can't help but agree.

  "Bet you didn't think a year ago you'd be doing this," she smiles.

  Do I regret not ever expressing how I felt towards her in my earlier years? No, not at all.  'We' weren't in the cards, I never would have given her what she wanted, a family.  Because I never wanted this for myself. This is one of those things in life that become evident years later, things that bring you one step closer to what you are meant for. In this case, my relationship with Sandy.  Matt's good for K, I watch them together and honestly believe she couldn't have done any better. It warms my heart to see her happy.

  Some feelings in life dissipate, gradually evaporating so that others may take their place, others are sculpted and shaped like clay with experience and time.  These emotions change on their own or will be moulded by our heart into something more easily held . What I originally felt for Kayla has mellowed from attraction to affection, and it's not lost on me as we talk how rare it is to rekindle a friendship after so much time has passed.

  I gaze over at Matt and Sandy, enveloped in darkness except for her face, framed with the umbrella and the fire's glow. How I love that girl. And it occurs to me that sometimes, just maybe, we really can have it all.
 
 
*names have been changed

Secret Sunday

Time now for the twenty-fifth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously. If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free to copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

My Day At The Photography Show

Ironically not the best picture I've ever taken, but you get the idea..

Last Saturday I was lucky enough to be able to hit the Photographic, Video & Digital Imaging Show in Toronto.  It was held at the same convention centre that we saw Tiesto in Sept '09.  Sandy stayed home to take care of some things so the day was mine. My main reason for going was to attend two seminars on basic photography (aperture settings, shutter speeds etc.) but I was also able to look for some info for a friend.

I got there just over an hour before the first session began so I had time to walk around and get orientated. I'm not in the market for anything right now so it was nice to take a leisurely walk around without feeling like I was on a mission. Every major manufacturer was there.  Here's an example of what the booths were like:

  It was like a candy store for me so I can only imagine what it would have been like to go shopping for high-end gear. The place was packed but I didn't mind, I walked the perimeter then attended the first class.  Front row baby! The presentation was great, not too dry, and I took tons of notes. I had three hours before my next session began so I grabbed a pizza slice for lunch and continued my walk-around, talking to lots of people and asking lots of questions.

  Along the way I spoke with a girl who helps run a program in Toronto called LOVE (Leave Out Violence), which works to reduce and help eliminate violence in the lives of youth and their communities. I decided it was a good fit with this blog and got in touch with her this week.  She's allowed me to write about her organization, so I'll be telling you more about them in a post in the coming week.

  The show was pretty hands-on, a lot of equipment was on display with reps assisting the public. One of my faves was this bad boy...

  For the photographers amongst you it's the world’s first ultra-telephoto zoom lens to offer an F2.8 aperture at the 500mm focal length and F5.6 at 1000mm. It covers widely used focal lengths from 200mm to 500mm and has a large aperture of F2.8 throughout the entire zoom range.

  Not a bad deal for $38,000 huh?  I'll take three, one in each colour.

  So, collecting every bit of literature I could along the way I made my way back to my next class. It was taught by the same girl with additional information and was equally as informative.  Again I took tons of notes. When the session was finished I left the show under a pouring rainstorm. It was an amazing, amazing day. One of the best things was the cost: I had a free ticket, free parking, free teaching sessions and free literature.  Total cost for five hours, about eight bucks in food.

  I've taken a lot of photos I'm happy with but I'd in no way consider myself a photographer. I have a lot to learn, but the show sparked my interest. And one day when I feel proficient enough I'll pick up an SLR. I've fallen in love with HDR (High Dynamic Range) imaging and I'm anxious to give it a try. This is a digital photo after being processed with HDR software...

Photo by Trey Ratcliff

  This is a process of taking one image or (usually) a series of images, combining them, and adjusting the contrast ratios which allows the image to more accurately represent the range of intensity levels found in real scenes. I don't plan to get into this exclusively, I love 'traditional' film photography as well as digital and I'm not saying that HDR is in some way more accurate or superior to standard photography.  But as an extension of digital imaging I really like the results. What do you think?  I'll probably do a post of different shots (nature, buildings, cars etc.) if for no other reason than they're eye candy to me.

Secret Sunday

Hey everyone, time for the twenty-fourth round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You can copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

The Distance (lyrics)

The Distance



Staring out the window
Grasping at the sunlight fading away
Another day is ending
Spent pretending
That we're okay.

This dark room just echoes with the
Distance between us.
Midnight's voices taunt us,
Memories haunt us
Just like children on the wind.

Let me drift off to sleep
So I can dream you back at my side.
We can't hide ourselves from it
Or overcome it
No matter how hard we've tried.
And this emptiness consumes me
Wrapped in bedsheets where we played,
There's no easy way of living
In this unforgiving prison
That we've made.

Rain upon my window go away,
Don’t want you storming in my eyes another day.
We've tried to stand strong
But we’re shadows on the wall,
‘Cause we’ve said all there’s to say
But we’ve still said nothing at all.

I'd hold my breath and stop time
Just to trace my fingertips in your hand.
There's too much pain in regret
And all the lies we've buried deep in the sand.
We finally opened up our eyes
But we paid too great a cost,
Another night to fight through
Right 'til morning's light reminds us
What we've lost.

And the rain keeps on falling..

Rain upon my window go away,
Don’t want you storming in my eyes another day.
We try to stand strong
But we’re shadows on the wall,
‘Cause when it's all said and done
We’ve still said nothing...

Rain upon my window go away,
(endless rain keeps falling)
Don’t want you in my eyes another day.
(you won't hear me calling)
Though we've tried to stand strong
We’re just shadows on the wall,
'Cause when all's said and done
We’ve still said nothing at all.
We’ve still said nothing at all.
Still said nothing at all.

And words can't bridge the distance.

Life's Magic

 

Robert R. McCammon (Boy's Life)...


  “You know, I do believe in magic. I was born and raised in a magic time, in a magic town, among magicians. Oh, most everybody else didn’t realize we lived in that web of magic, connected by silver filaments of chance and circumstance. But I knew it all along. When I was twelve years old, the world was my magic lantern, and by its green spirit glow I saw the past, the present and into the future. You probably did too; you just don’t recall it. See, this is my opinion: we all start out knowing magic. We are born with whirlwinds, forest fires, and comets inside us. We are born able to sing to birds and read the clouds and see our destiny in grains of sand. But then we get the magic educated right out of our souls. We get it churched out, spanked out, washed out, and combed out. We get put on the straight and narrow and told to be responsible. Told to act our age. Told to grow up, for God’s sake. And you know why we were told that? Because the people doing the telling were afraid of our wildness and youth, and because the magic we knew made them ashamed and sad of what they’d allowed to wither in themselves.


   After you go so far away from it, though, you can’t really get it back. You can have seconds of it. Just seconds of knowing and remembering. When people get weepy at movies, it’s because in that dark theater the golden pool of magic is touched, just briefly. Then they come out into the hard sun of logic and reason again and it dries up, and they’re left feeling a little heartsad and not knowing why. When a song stirs a memory, when motes of dust turning in a shaft of light takes your attention from the world, when you listen to a train passing on a track at night in the distance and wonder where it might be going, you step beyond who you are and where you are. For the briefest of instants, you have stepped into the magic realm.

   That’s what I believe.

   The truth of life is that every year we get farther away from the essence that is born within us. We get shouldered with burdens, some of them good, some of them not so good. Things happen to us. Loved ones die. People get in wrecks and get crippled. People lose their way, for one reason or another. It’s not hard to do, in this world of crazy mazes. Life itself does its best to take that memory of magic away from us. You don’t know it’s happening until one day you feel you’ve lost something but you’re not sure what it is. It’s like smiling at a pretty girl and she calls you “sir.” It just happens.

   These memories of who I was and where I lived are important to me. They make up a large part of who I’m going to be when my journey winds down. I need the memory of magic if I am ever going to conjure magic again. I need to know and remember, and I want to tell you.”

Secret Sunday

It's a cold, windy, rainy day in Toronto, a good opportunity to stay inside and catch up on some writing. I'm in that kinda mood today.

Time now for the twenty-third round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You can copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Soaring

I saw you today, a hawk's wings upon the wind. And you were free.

Secret Sunday

It's been another gorgeous day, I had lots to do and realized I'm late posting this. Time for the twenty-second round of Secret Sunday, a chance to share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.


Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor. You can participate anonymously.

2) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right not to post anything which appears to be submitted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right to include submissions that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You can copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Sexuality- What's Your Flavour?

 I learned a new word last weekend, and it took me by surprise because I like to think I'm pretty current with these things.  The term is "sapiosexuality", and it refers to a person who's sexually attracted to intelligence in others. I read a study a while ago that surveyed women of different sexual orientations or preferences and found it really interesting, so I decided to expand beyond this single term and cover the different ways in which people experience or express their sexuality.

Before I get into this it's important for me to say that first and foremost we're all just people. I don't look at someone first as straight or gay or bi or whatever, I look at everyone as human. All equally. This post isn't an exercise in attempting to label people, just explore the different types of sexual orientation:

*heterosexual- one who is romantically and physically attracted to members of the
                        opposite sex

*homosexual- one who is romantically and physically attracted to members of the
                       same sex

*bisexual- one who is romantically and physically attracted to members of both
                 sexes

*bi-curious- one of hetero or homosexual orientation who shows some
                   curiosity in having a relationship or sexual activity with a person of
                   the sex they do not favor, yet distinguish themselves from the bisexual
                   label. (By the way if you're bi-curious and want to get some information
                   anonymously I found an excellent website, ShyBi. Not surprisingly it's
                   geared mainly towards women.
 
*asexual- one who, while typically lacking in sexual desire for either sex,
                may engage in purely emotional romantic relationships.Terms applied to
                this:

• aromantic: lack of romantic attraction towards anyone of any gender
• biromantic: romantic attraction towards people of either gender
• heteroromantic: romantic attraction towards people of the opposite
  gender
• homoromantic: romantic attraction towards people of the same gender
• panromantic: romantic attraction towards people of any gender or lack of gender
• transromantic: romantic attraction towards people of variant or ambiguous gender
• polyromantic: romantic attraction towards people of more than one gender or sex but without implying, like biromantic does, that there are only two genders or sexes

*sapiosexual- one who is sexually attracted to intelligence in others. I've also seen
                       it more specifically explained as someone who finds intelligence to
                       be the most sexually attractive feature in a person. By definition I
                       believe the subject of this attraction could be someone of any
                       sexual orientation.

*fluid- orientation isn't always static; we're influenced by different people and events
           in our lives. As we go through life we may find that our orientation will shift.
           Today you could be bisexual and equally attracted to men and women, but in
           time you may find that this has shifted and you're more attracted to women.
           This changing orientation is known as fluid sexuality. For some, their
           orientation will change several times in their life.

*hetero-flexible- one who is predominantly heterosexual but engages in limited
                           homosexual activity.  This is distinguished by some as being
                           separate from bisexuality or bi-curiosity since there is usually
                           the lack of a wish to "experiment" with their sexuality. To me
                           this is one of the more ambiguous categories.

*pansexual/omnisexual- one who has the potential for sexual or romantic
                                       attraction towards people of all gender identities.
                                       Some pansexuals say that gender and sex are
                                       irrelevant in determining whether they are sexually
                                       attracted to others.

*polyamorous- one who practices, desires, or accepts having more than one
                        intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent
                        of everyone involved. Polyamourists typically reject the view
                        that sexual and emotional exclusivity are necessary for deep, 
                        committed long-term loving relationships.


  So there you go. This is only a partial list, anyone who has studied human sexuality will recognize that I've oversimplified some terms. But you get the idea.


 
References:  -"Why Women Have Sex" by Cindy M. Meston, Ph.D. and
                    David M. Buss,, Ph.D.
                    -ShyBi a website that promotes itself as "a non-threatening, safe and
                     sleaze-free forum just for bi and bi-curious girls exploring their
                     bisexuality"
                    -Wikipedia: various articles
                   - internet: bits of info taken from various sites

Always Getting Over You

  No matter how old we are or what our life experience is, most of us have struggled with having to let go of someone in our lives. I've written about this before but decided to cover it again because it's a subject that comes up often in conversation. I've had to let go, say goodbye or walk away from different people and I know it can be a very, very difficult thing to come to terms with. I'm sometimes asked how to do this with someone you care about. I'm not an expert and don't have all the answers, but over the years I've learned to approach things more philosophically. I wrote this post from the viewpoint of romantic feelings but it can really apply to any kind of relationship.

   People have come and gone in my life, from friends and family who have passed, friendships or relationships that ended with people I felt very strongly about . At the time having to say goodbye can be downright devastating and it can take a long time for those wounds to heal. But I think in order to let go of someone we need to understand that it's not all about loss. We don't have to feel like we're throwing it all away; if there was ever any good in what we shared with this person there will be something left behind, something we should hold onto. Most times there are good memories of how we felt with them, those memories will always be with us even if they're buried beneath the pain. They're just harder to see.

  We need to allow ourselves time to grieve. It's healthy. Those who love us won't want to see us hurt anymore than we want to and will try to console us by saying we should cheer up, that someone else will come along. I always hated that, it was always the last thing I wanted to hear. How about acknowledging that it hurts like hell and you feel like shit but it's okay to feel that way for a while because it won't last forever?

  There are no winners or losers in this. It can feel that way when we're left behind to watch the one we so intensely desire move on, oblivious to what we're going through. If it must be seen as winning and losing, the victory lay not in successfully pushing those feelings down. It's in finding a way to embrace the memories of times spent, and celebrating the way they made us feel.