Sunday, April 18, 2010

Won't Get Fooled Again

On April Fools' Day my blogging friend Jenni (check out her site, she's awesome!) wrote a post about some of the foolish things she's done.  I thought "Hell, I could write a friggin' novel with the stupid shit that's happened to me".  So here's the short-list of some of the mistakes, regrets, weird and foolish things I've experienced in my life.  I'm adding to this list daily, so don't be surprised to see a Part Two in the near future.

  • got chased by a viscious weiner dog in Switzerland
  • almost burned down my in-law's house. It's a long story involving a nesting bird which you can find here, along with the weiner dog story
  • wasted half a day with a friend backpacking through London looking for White Hant Road.  No one could tell us where it was.  Why?  Because White Hart Road was mis-spelled on the effing map! Epic vacation fail.
  • stayed on a toboggan after jumping a hill and broke my tailbone when I landed
  • munched the top of a cube van I was driving while on delivery years ago
  • some time ago I mentioned that I had sex on the edge of a cliff.  What I didn't tell you at the time was that our friends came out of the bushes afterwards and gave us a surprise standing ovation. Embarrassed?  Actually no.
  • dug a massive hole to China in our strawberry garden when I was about five
  • started chopping down the birch tree in front of our house with the back of a claw hammer when I was about seven.  I told my mom I was going to chop the tree down, guess she didn't believe me.
  • Grade Two.  Shauna, my first crush.  (Damn she was cute)!  I wrote a love note and asked the kid at the desk behind me to pass it to her.  Instead he opened it and read it aloud to the whole class.  Little turd.
  • when I was twenty-two I was propositioned by a stunning redhead who was a friend of the family.  This wasn't some mistaken gesture on my part, she was very upfront about wanting to sleep with me.  She was ten years older and married. I didn't go through with it, just because it was the right thing to do doesn't mean I still don't think about it and kick myself sometimes.
  • around that same time I took a bus trip with a group from work to a club called Lulu's, which at the time had the longest bar in the world.  We had all sorts of booze and illicit goods on that bus, and by the time we got to the bar I was completely hammered. I kinda stumbled my way around trying my best not to look drunk (yeah right), until it came time to use the washroom.  Let me see if I can paint this picture for you.  You walk into the men's room.  On the left side of the room are the sinks, on the right side of the room, directly opposite the sinks are the urinals.  Dividing the two is a half-height wall that you can walk around, with an upright post on either end and one in the middle.  Follow me? So I did my thing (okay fine I went pee), then walked around to the sinks and washed my hands. When I turned around I saw the backs of the guys who were at the urinals and I thought it was a reflection of the backs of the guys who were at the sinks.  So here I am thinking I'm looking into a mirror and I can't see my reflection (remember at this point I'm shit-faced drunk).  My friend was with me and I started trippin'.  I mean I was freaking out.  "Aaahhhh!!!!"  He asks me what's wrong.  "I can't see myself!"  "Don't worry", he says. "You're right here."  And I calmed down immediately.       
  • Italy.  Missed the last train in the middle of Godforsaken nowhere and had to hitchhike in the countryside, at night, back to town.  The only time I ever hitchhiked and I just had to pick a foreign country.
  • got my butt waxed.  Yeah, now the whole world knows. Yeah, it hurt like a bitch.  And Hell no, I'm never doing it again. Ladies I don't know how you do it.  And a Brazilian?  Fuggetaboutit! (Although we men certainly appreciate the effort).
  • here's the scene.  Parked late at night with my girlfriend in some remote spot on a beautiful summer's night.  The moonroof is open, stars twinkling in a cloudless sky.  Soft romantic music is playing on the radio, moonlight washing over our unclothed bodies as we breathlessly bask in the afterglow of a steamy session. It's the perfect moment.  The music drifting from the speakers is interrupted by the faintest whimper as I get 'myself' caught in my zipper.
          Damn that hurts.


  1. I liked reading this post. Now I know a lot more about you then I did a few moments ago.

    You should enjoy your Monday. :)

  2. Oh, these are my favorite posts. The ones where you "bare all." Hehehe! I have been having a restless, sleepless, miserable night and this post actually put a HUGE smile on my face, Barry.

    We SO need to hang out!! Imagine all the trouble we would get into. It would be epic. :P

    Love you! xoxo

  3. hahaha!!!! that was hilarious to read!!! standing ovation - that had to be something!!!!

    congrats on your funny stories! when you're gonna be old you must tell them all to someone! But hey at least you know that you are alive!!!!

    p.s. I am much better Barry thank you for your concern! I really appreciate that!

  4. Absolutely hilarious!! The bathroom story . . . I haven't stopped laughing yet!

  5. LOL Thanks for sharing.
    How come it seems that weird stories always happen while traveling abroad? Probably because you're bound to get lost or encounter interesting people :D