Expecting- (A Guest Post)

  I'm very happy to be bringing you this. There's something about pregnancy and motherhood that I've always been drawn to, for me there's nothing more incredible or beautiful than a woman's ability to give and nurture life. Some time ago I had the privilege of being able to share my friend Joy's story and I've been given a chance like this again.  

  I met Rebecca two years ago through a mutual blogging friend and along the way I've watched her children Anthony and Molly grow. I've never felt the desire to have a son or daughter of my own but she's helped me see what it means to be a parent, what it is to love a child as only a mother can. It's been an amazing look inside a woman's heart and mind and I've enjoyed every moment of it. She's now pregnant with a third and I'm beyond excited for her and her husband, Sam.      

  Becca thanks so much for taking the time to write this, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it...

  You know, it's really hard when your head is telling you one thing and your heart is telling you another. My husband and I discussed having a third child for two years. Two years my head told me no. Two years my heart screamed yes. I remember saying over and over again that I didn't think I could ever forgive myself if we didn't at least try for a third child. All my life I've followed my head. Why can't I for once follow my heart?

  On August 19th, 2011 I had my IUD removed. I remember on the morning of September 9th I woke up and just had this most wonderful feeling. I took a pregnancy test and then got into the shower. I told myself I would wait until my shower was over to look at the results. HA! I got 3 minutes in then had to peek. I jumped out of the shower with shampoo still in my hair and ran outside to where my husband was, towel falling off me, with the biggest shit eating grin on my face. I'll never forget that moment. We had gotten pregnant on August 28th, 9 days after my IUD removal. I think the Lord must have approved of me following my heart.

A few weeks into my pregnancy it was feared I was losing the baby. That was the scariest, most horrific situation I have ever experienced. All I could do was pray. What we thought was a miscarriage turned out to be a subchorionic hemorrhage. I was relieved my baby was still with us and cried on the ultrasound table when I saw the heartbeat, but the news of a subchorionic hemorrhage itself brought dangers of a miscarriage. For months I dealt with light to heavy (sometimes even passing large clots), on and off again bleeding. I would go a week or more without anything and would always think, "Maybe that's the end of the bleeding and I'm in the clear!" only to have the bleeding return and last for days. I was fearful. Always fearful. At any moment I thought I would lose the life I so desperately wanted to bring into this world. I tried my best to keep a smile on my face and have faith that everything would work out the way it should. Finally, at 24 weeks, my bleeding stopped and did not return again. The relief that washed over me is indescribable. If interested, you can go to: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/404971-overview for more information on subchorionic hemorrhages.

Timothy Thomas (It's a boy!!) is a strong one. I'm so very thankful to have gotten through that rough time in my pregnancy and to still be carrying a little boy who make his presence known with painful kicks to my ribs and an ever expanding belly. I'm now quickly approaching my due date of May 20th and excitedly preparing for a natural home birth. I can't wait to see my little one's face and tell him just how much his Mama's heart wanted him.                                

Come by my blog: http://onlyamamaknows.blogspot.com/ and read all about my home birth preparations and help me await the arrival of Timothy!

With love,
Mama Hauck


(PS: Becca is a photographer and has been taking her own maternity photos. The pictures shown here are copyright of her business Lynn Elizabeth Photography. )

Secret Sunday (and a request for a friend)

  I'd like to ask a favour of anyone reading please. A fellow blogger recently lost her brother, he was only twenty-two. I can't imagine what she and her family have been going through, but if you could take a minute to pass a few words of condolence and encouragement on to Jamie I'm hoping it will help a bit. She's a beautiful girl, an amazing person and I know she's been hurting. You can link to her here. Thank you so much.

  Time now for the 108th round of Secret Sunday, a chance to anonymously share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously. It can be from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with. I don't plan to censor content or language.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. Let me know and I'll follow along.

And now to it...

Paris- A Love Affair

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Paris. The very word quickens my heart. My mind resonates with memories of nights long since passed, when as a young man of twenty-two I ventured into the heart of a city that would quickly find her way into mine. I sauntered through parks watching young lovers embrace on ornate benches, and lost myself in the buzz of Montmartre with its myriad coloured artists' canvasses. I followed the smell of fresh-baked goods emanating from tiny patisseries and carried down narrow cobblestoned streets. Through it all found myself completely surrendering to her. I never saw it coming.

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Sunlit storefronts gave way to shadowed corridors as I made my trek to the top of the city. And from the heights of Sacre Couer, with dusk settling upon her rooftops and Let It Be ringing out from wine-stained lips of teenagers young enough to still believe, I watched that innocence gently slip from her shoulders. Paris by day is a lady; cosmopolitan, playful, free-spirited. By night she’s a lover who lays herself bare, wraps herself around you and seductively draws you in. A woman who invites you to take her in your arms and dance away the hours ’til the first rays of daybreak.

 

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She spoke to me in hushed tones, the sound of instruments wafting from distant clubs and lounges. I felt the passion of this city echoed through ten thousand heartbeats coming together as one. And from my vantage point, awash in the charms of the sublime symphony unfolding before me, I closed my eyes and wondered if I’d ever be the same again.


* This post was inspired by my dear friend Amber at Amber's Mouthwash, after she wrote about her own love affair with Paris. It's beautifully written, check it out here .

(PS: I purposely waited two days before re-reading her post, and found it interesting to see some of the similarities in our experiences).

Secret Sunday

I'm still riding a high from our CN Tower stair climb yesterday in support of WWF. I'll be posting about it in a bit, we couldn't take cameras with us but I think I'll be able to pull some from their website.

Time now for the 107th round of Secret Sunday, a chance to anonymously share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously. It can be from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with. I don't plan to censor content or language.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. Let me know and I'll follow along.

And now to it...

Twenty Five Questions

WHICH IS BETTER:

1. Lips Or Eyes : eyes. LOOOVE eyes!

2. Hugs Or Kisses: I'm a very huggy person but kisses all the way

3. Taller Or Shorter: shorter

4. Older Or Younger: younger definitely

5. Romantic Or Spontaneous : Spontaneously romantic

6. Nice Stomach Or Nice Arms: stomach. I know a flat stomach is hard for women to attain and I understand that, but it's oh-so sexy. A little paunch is cute too. :)

7. Sensitive Or Loud: sensitive. I don't like loud people but I do like someone with strong opinions even if I don't agree with them. Long as it's not forced on me.

8. Hook-up Or Relationship: in reality? relationship. Fantasy? hook-up

9. Trouble Maker Or Hesitant: trouble-maker. I tend to ask questions first then wonder if they were appropriate later. Fortunately it's hardly ever got me into trouble.


HAVE YOU EVER :


10. Kissed A Stranger: yes

11. Drank Hard Liquor: yes

12. Lost Glasses/Contacts: I’ve lost dozens of pairs of cheap sunglasses. The pair of expensive driving glasses I have were finally replaced after 24 years.

13. Kiss On First Date: yup, usually a peck on the cheek if anything

14. Broke Someone's Heart: yes, not intentionally

15. Broke Your Own Heart: I suppose, by falling for people who were unattainable

16. Been Arrested: no, could have been though.

17. Turned Someone Down: yes

18. Cried When Someone Died: almost always

19. Fallen For A Friend: haven't we all?
 
 
FIRSTS:


20. First Surgery: pretty minor (in-grown toenail, can't remember how old I was)

21. First Piercing: none

22. First Best Friend: Tutun Mookerjeah (probably didn't spell it right) from early early grade school

23. First Sport You Joined: T-ball. I also played soccer at school and took tennis lessons

24. First Vacation: Nova Scotia. Drove down with friends of the family (rednecks) in their full-size van with all the kids. It was hellish.

25.  Do You Have A Crush On Someone: yes a few. I'm married, not dead!

Secret Sunday

Okay everyone it's time for the 106th round of Secret Sunday, a chance to anonymously share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously. It can be from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with. I don't plan to censor content or language.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. Let me know and I'll follow along.

And now to it...

Things I've Held Onto Forever

For something a little different I'm sharing a few things that I've held onto for a long time, usually for sentimental reasons. Let's start with the most recent and work backwards, shall we?

4 years- This is an old pair of track pants, and rather than throw them out I've used them for work around the house. They have countless colours from many painting projects. Most of the white is acrylic caulking from when I installed the crown moulding in our living room/dining room area. I think at one time in his life every guy has had some ratty piece of clothing that should have been tossed out long ago, and this is mine. Although in my defence it's still a solid piece of clothing if you can look past what's on it. Which after four years is pretty much impossible.

24 years- My Serengheti glasses. I've owned a lot of cheap pairs of shades in my life and they've come and gone, but these aviator-style driving glasses were $150 new when I bought them in 1988 and I always took care of them. They rarely even left the car. Then one day I couldn't find my safety glasses when I needed to use the weed eater on the lawn and I decided to just wear these. Bad call; when I took them off I realized they were pitted from all the fine dirt and gravel that got kicked up. This week I picked up a pair of Maui Jims and they're definitely only being worn when I'm driving.

35 years- Nail clippers from Ireland. When I was twelve my parents divorced, and during that time my dad took me to Ireland. I have lots of good memories of that trip but the only souvenir I still have are these clippers. They work as well as the day I got them, which means either they're really well made or I haven't clipped my nails as often as I should have!

45 years- My koala. I carried this little guy with me everywhere, all through my two-finger sucking phase and beyond. He's lost some of his stuffing but none of his meaning and I'll keep him for the rest of my life.

What have you held onto for years that you refuse to let go of?



Pharmageddon*

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  This post will be biased, since I'm not a big fan of pharmaceuticals as treatment for mental disorders. I'm not in the field and have no formal training, so I can't speak with authority. But I'm still free to speak my opinion, and my opinions are these:

1) Drugs are being significantly over-prescribed, not only as a band-aid solution for some psychological issues but (primarily) because many psychiatrists and medical doctors are in bed with the pharmaceutical industry. Kick-backs are a great motivator to move high volumes of manufacturers' brands even when they're not always in the best interest of the patient

2) Many people are being mis-diagnosed unintentionally, or (too often) purposely in order to move more of these drugs and

3) I believe there are many natural alternatives to synthetic drugs that we never hear about because they don't support the pharmaecutical giants.


  I read an interesting article this past weekend in Vitality Magazine, written by a woman originally diagnosed with insomnia. I've reproduced it here without prior consent but with full acknowledgement of its origin....

An Open Letter To Doctors

  You call yourselves doctors. You once took an oath to do no harm.

  Originally, there were no pharmaceuticals in our house – not even an aspirin, but I became a drug addict when I was prescribed a benzodiazepine for insomnia.


  My insomnia started after I received a cluster of immunizations which I didn’t want, but took because I was told it would be irresponsible of me not to. I was around 40, recently married, and had a dozen young godchildren. One of the shots was rubella: the other two were combinations. They were all given at one time.


  Immediately after the vaccination, I became crippled with profound muscle weakness and severe ‘atypical’ inflammatory arthritis, some of my fingers became gnarled and I was in a wheelchair for a while. Over many years I was able to reverse most of the physical damage, but the insomnia persisted. Needless to say to say, I did not have children and henceforth in medical reporting I was referred to as ‘middle aged, short-haired, bespectacled, casually dressed, and childless.’


  Even though I had to change careers, I remained fully engaged in life, busier than most. I took very small amounts of the benzodiazepine intermittently for several years. I took it only for sleep and it seemed to help a little, but I was also becoming ‘anxious.’ At that time I did not recognize ‘anxiety’ as a possible adverse effect/reaction to the benzodiazepine, nor did I know about interdose interval withdrawal.


  When my mother died on Christmas Eve 2002, my sleep got worse and I was prescribed a higher dose of the benzodiazepine. My sleep deteriorated further and I became jittery, I tried to withdraw from the benzodiazepine. I was in trouble.


  You call yourselves doctors, but you didn’t recognize that not only had I been having adverse reactions to the benzodiazepine, I also had benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome. You decided I was depressed, and you gave me an antidepressant. When I became agitated and developed a tremor, you said I had agitated depression.


  You call yourselves doctors, but you didn’t recognize that I was having an adverse reaction to antidepressants. You gave me more antidepressants. When the agitation became so severe that I lost my sleep entirely, you said I had major depression and gave me even more antidepressants. You also gave me sleeping pills.


  You call yourselves doctors, but you didn’t recognize the adverse effects of benzodiazepines, plus antidepressants, plus sleeping pills. You said I had an adjustment disorder – but the only things I wasn’t adjusting to were your drugs.


  I frequently collapsed, sometimes on the street, and was twice taken by ambulance to Emergency where I was not treated with dignity. Not one of you recognized that one of the prescribed drugs was reducing my blood pressure precipitously.


  When I started twitching and shaking uncontrollably, you gave me more sleeping pills – to be taken three times a day. When I fell asleep during an appointment, you said I was ‘vegetatively depressed.’ When I was in constant motion, you said I was bipolar (manic depressive). You then settled on psychotic.


  You gave me antipsychotics. I started howling like a dog. I marched in place. My body movements became chaotic. My face twitched and my tongue darted in and out of my mouth. You call yourselves doctors, but you didn’t recognize the adverse effects of benzodiazepines, plus antidepressants, plus sleeping pills, plus antipsychotics.


  You call yourselves doctors, and you gave me 35 different psychiatric drugs in the space of eight months. You didn’t know what you were doing and you did it vigorously. You were treating the adverse effects of pharmacy and polypharmacy with more polypharmacy.**


  (When people ask me why I took all those drugs, I can answer only that I would have done anything, agreed to anything, ingested anything to stop the horrendous agitation – there are no words to describe the horror of that agitation. And at some point my brain became such a toxic mess that I was no longer capable of reason).


  You told me I had dementia. I was afraid I would kill myself, and I was afraid I wouldn’t kill myself. I wrote a living will and a Do Not Resuscitate directive. I gave away my belongings – especially those which had been most dear to me.


  You call yourselves doctors, and you said the benzodiazepines, antidepressants, sleeping pills and antipsychotics which you had prescribed weren’t working. You said I had a dissociative disorder. You cold-turkeyed me off many of the drugs, you ‘formed’ me, and you ordered electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). You wrote I was an “excellent candidate for ECT.” I refused ‘treatment’, but you coerced my husband into signing by telling him ECT was the last and only option.


  You held me for 10 weeks and treated me to 25 general anesthetics and 25 bilateral grand mal seizures. I don’t remember much except the assembly line of gurneys on ‘shock’ days. I shook from terror as I looked up at your cold matter-of-fact faces. I wondered if there would be anything left of my brain when you were finished with me. I thought I was going to die. I remember the stench of the rubber mask over my face, the IV going in and then, as the anesthetic hit, the plunge into merciful oblivion.


  And later I remember the blood in my mouth and the violent headaches. I didn’t know where I was. I didn’t know why I was there. I asked these questions of my husband after each ECT ‘treatment.’ My husband came to see me every day for two-and-a-half months and brought me a home-cooked meal each time. He came twice on ECT days.


  I did stop howling and my legs were no longer marching. I was now merely babbling, and shuffling my feet non-stop. My face quivered. You said I had benefited from ECT.


  You call yourselves doctors, but you didn’t consider I might have stopped howling and marching, and was now merely babbling, and shuffling my feet because you had withdrawn many of the benzodiazepines, antidepressants, and antipsychotics you had prescribed. You kept me on sleeping pills – three times a day, once at night. And you added new drugs.


  You said I would require weekly maintenance ECT for the rest of my life. You said I would require medication for the rest of my life. You told my husband I would not be coming home when you were finished with me. You told my husband to look for a long-term care facility for me. You call yourselves doctors, and you said you had done everything you could for me. You said you had made me ‘well’ and you closed my file.


  Here is my list of drugs from my medical and pharmacy records. Most of the drugs were prescribed by one psychiatrist: Ativan, Rivotril, Xanax, Clonazepam, Valium, Celexa, Novo-pranolol, Amitriptyline, Propranolol, Imovane, Effexor, Lithium Carbonate, Moclobemide (Man-erix), Seroquel, Wellbutrin, Nortriptyline, Perphenazine, Gabapentin, Ritalin, Gabapentin, Fluvoxamine, Oxycontin, Methoprazine (Nozinan), Paxil, Remeron, Zyprexa, Risperdal, Parnate, Haldol, Aventyl, Cogentin, Loxapine, Chlorpromazine (Largactil).


  A psychiatrist who was shown this list by a friend of mine asked: ‘Is she still alive?’ I had wanted to get into his practice, but the waiting list was very long.



  I've read some work by people like American psychiatrist Dr. Peter Breggin and Canadian biochemist/psychiatrist Abram Hoffer, both of whom have been very controversial advocates of drug-free treatment for patients. To counter this are countless psychiatrists who will argue in favour of medication. Do I think that all drugs are unnecessary, ineffective or harmful? No. I believe many have their place, but I also believe there are many natural solutions. The answer is in here somewhere, but more dangerous than any illness is a willingness to blindly believe whatever we're being told.






* Title of this post is taken from a book of the same name by Dr. David Healy.

** Polypharmacy means "many drugs" and refers to problems that can occur when a patient is taking more medications than are actually needed. It's most common in the elderly, not surprisingly.

Weekend Recap

In my last post I told you about our family gathering on Friday. Following that there were several things on the to-do list for the weekend.

Saturday after the party Sandy was feeling a little rough. Yeah, she had a good time! We had a late breakfast then went to Debbie's cafe for latte, followed by a few errands. When we got back Sandy went to work in the garden and I spent time working on the barbeque...

The "winter months" were pretty mild so over that time we had decided to barbeque a few meals. But whenever I put it on it wasn't getting hot enough. A few weekends ago I spend several hours taking apart the burner units and giving everything a good scrub and polish, then put it all back together. But I still wasn't getting enough heat. On Saturday I disconnected and cleaned a few fittings in the propane line, but when I started it up again it still didn't get hot enough. Disappointing. So Sandy ended up doing dinner in the oven. I'm not sure what's wrong with the damn thing, worse still it's a blow to the male ego since I pride myself on being able to fix just about anything around the house.

Barbeque=1, me=0.  For now. I puttered around the yard here and there then called it a day.

On Sunday I helped Sandy get our shed ready for Spring (she did most of it)...

(winter tires ready to go back in storage!)

I also decided I was going to repair a crack in the foundation of the house which had been there for, well, years...

I moved the concrete slabs that the rain barrel sits on...

...and began digging. (The shovel is resting on a limestone foundation that I poured a couple summers ago. Over time it can get almost as hard as concrete and I had to take a pick axe to it in spots).

As I dug further down it became apparent that the crack was longer than I had first thought. It turned out a piece was actually loose, so I gently removed it...

I cleaned both pieces and let them dry while we had lunch but when I went to get the repair kit that I bought last Fall it wasn't where I thought it was, which prompted me to make this face...

Not to fear, within a short time my lovely assistant Sandy found it...

This called for a happy dance...

I covered the face of both pieces with a waterproof sealer, then applied the epoxy filler along all edges of the cracks...

Note that I've braced the loose piece on either side with pieces of garden mulch, which as I understand it is what cavemen did when they repaired cracks in the foundation of their caves. (Okay that's probably total crap, but it could be true).

Last thing was the lawn mower, which needed a little work. I removed the blade and cleaned out all the grass which was caked inside it...

So there you go, another restful weekend! Alright maybe not so much, but it's all part of getting the property ready for Spring. For those of you not into this kind of thing I highly recommend a condo. :)

Family Get-Together

I was going to mention Easter in the title, but since we didn't specifically observe Easter I'll just call it a long weekend. On Friday we had a big get-together at my brother Steve and his wife Bobbi's new home. Both sides of the family were there and we all had a great time. Bobbi and her family are Guyanese, which in addition to him landing a great girl, was a big score for me because I love Guyanese people.

I lost count of how many of us there were. My mom and her husband came, Bobbi's mother was there with her guy as well as most of the family. Unfortunately my sister couldn't make it but there's always next time.

the happy couple

her brother Mahendra (my West Indian soul-brother) with his

daughter Nyla, one of the cutest things I've ever seen.

Sandy with Bobbi and her sister Peshani

the Easter bunny with Bobbi's mother Seeta

There was plenty of food...

potato balls

my brother barbequed chicken and his mother-in-law

made her famous chow-mein

salmon

we also had a 12th birthday celebration

After this the kids disappeared to the basement for the rest of the night to watch Avatar in 3D.

Sandy with Bobbi's brother Dharram

those ears made their way around. This is Peshani's husband Tim.

yes, we are related. With moves like this

is it any wonder we get along so well?

I didn't realize until the next day that after snapping so many photos I didn't get any with me in them. On the upside, when I heard Bobbi mention that she had bought two pairs of Louboutins I thought about all of you who love shoes, so I went with the girls into the room and set up a quick photo shoot...

Thanks to my family for making it such a great night!


Today I was out repairing some concrete on the house and doing other things around our property, which I'll post about later. How did you spend your weekend?

Secret Sunday

For those of you celebrating I hope you're having a great Easter weekend. We had an amazing get-together with family on Friday and will be out in the sunshine today, getting our gardens prepared for the flowers that are beginning to push through.

It's time for the 105th round of Secret Sunday, a chance to anonymously share secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how it works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously. It can be from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with. I don't plan to censor content or language.

3) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. Let me know and I'll follow along.

And now to it...

Climbing for the Cause

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On Saturday April 21st, Sandy and I will be participating in the 22nd Annual CN Tower Climb for WWF (World Wildlife Fund). WWF is an international organization that works on conservation, research and restoration of the environment. They're the world's largest independent conservation organization with over 5 million supporters worldwide, working in more than 100 countries and supporting over 1,000 conservation and environmental projects. Their mission is "to halt and reverse the destruction of our environment". WWF is also concerned with endangered species, pollution and climate change. To find out more, go here.

Many cities in the world have their own landmark. The Empire State Building in New York, the Eiffel Tower in Paris, Big Ben in London. Even Seattle has their Space Needle. In Toronto, my hometown,  it's the CN Tower.

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The tower was built in 1976. It's 1,815 feet high and to get to the top (or as high as you can go) there are six glass elevators that travel at fifteen miles per hour.

Or you can take the stairs.

1,776 of them.

I've done this climb twice, in my late teens/early twenties and it was a lot of fun. After more years than I care to count I'm returning and together we're going to conquer it. I can't wait!

If you'd like to sponsor me please go here . Donations of $20.00 or more will receive a tax receipt. Anything you can contribute will get me closer to my goal. I'll be posting after the climb to let you all know how it went. Thanks for any support you can give.

Happy Easter everyone!