Monday, January 9, 2012

It's a Spamathon!

Wouldn't it be nice to live in some alternate universe where everything you read was real? Lately some very generous folks have left me late Christmas presents out of the blue, just to be nice. That's right...I've been handed more money in a few weeks than I'll ever earn in ten lifetimes. Take a look at some of this generosity, and the bazillions I've made almost overnight:

  • Dearest Partner, I am Mrs Sonia Alafinja from Ivory Coast.... $7, 500,000. 
  • (wow, money donated from a small-ass African nation? THAT never happens)
  • My Dear, I know this proposal letter might be a pleasant surprise to you as we don't know ourselves before...$7, 500,000 
  • ("pleasant surprise" wasn't my first reaction. Or my second)
  • (only one and a half mil Gates? C'mon you can afford to BUY the Ivory Coast, you can do better than this)
  • Dear Friend, you might find it difficult to remember me again though it has not been quite a long time...5,000,000,00 EURO
  • (yes it is difficult to remember you, probably since we never met before. Assclown) 
  • Hey listen, I know you were looking to make some extra money from home...
  • (so what, now you have the latest in mind-reading software?)
  • Winner!!! You have been awarded the sum of 1,000,000 British Pounds and a Toshiba laptop
    (British pounds, great. Now I have to go through all the work of figuring out what that works out to in Canadian dollars. So inconsiderate of you)
  • Your email has been selected by the United Nations Organization for a cash grant award of 350,000.00GBP
    (yes, because we all know the United Nations just GIVES cash away to random people. And stop with those effing British pounds again, you're beginning to annoy me. Give me those strange Canadian bills that make Americans look at me funny, it's more familiar and comforting)

    They also had my sexual health in mind, which was thoughtful:

  • Heat of your meat. Viagra.

  •     (what does that even mean? Do they use a probe or something? Ow.)
  • Feeling Horny? Match Parter NO STRINGS ATTACHED fun....

  •     (the answer to the first part is yes, always and there's no such thing as sex with no strings attached. We all pay somehow.)

        And finally...

        • 御泥坊正品 玫瑰滋养矿物睡眠面膜
          (to appeal to my Korean/ Japanese heritage, because I'm so OBVIOUSLY Asian)

              It's nice to be thought of, isn't it? Sigh.


              1. lmao!! I used to get penis growth emails when i was in high school (still do somehow but you can't reply to them like you used to) I used to reply just for fun to every single one of them and be lie...listen, seeing as my emails (at the time) has the word chick in it, i can't possibly a dude, so STOP TRYING TO MAKE MY DICK BIGGER, i don't have one! It's unfortunate though, as i never once received a reply in return.

                Also my friend's mom totally fell of the " I live in some country in Africa, can you give me some money" email. She sent him money.... sigh..

                As for your Oriental (is that offensive?) heritage...well...ok're not Chinese, Japanese, or Korean...but still...just plug that shit into google translate.

                And yes there's definitely such thing as sex with no strings attached (not for all folks). It's called fuck buddies, people do it all the time. (no pun intended). I think that certain people are very capable of a satisfying sexual relationship without involving emotions. Just sayin...

              2. Yup, those Viagara etc. ads are "popping up" everywhere. And I bet I've received a hundred e-mails from people in different countries wanting me to shelter millions of dollars for them. Lame.

                Of course I'm familiar with fuckbuddies, but I have yet to see a FWB arrangement that didn't eventually get more complicated than at least one partner in that relationship wanted.

              3. Ugh Spam is annoying. I am getting it more often now too.


              5. How did the UN get your email? I guess they have run out of things to do in the 3rd they are handing out money. You're so lucky. BTW, if you received 1 million British Pounds why would you also need a free laptop? You could buy a 100 freakin' laptops...when did you visit the Ivory Coast?

              6. "Heat of your meat. Viagra." Are they giving away one of those meat thermometers like you stick in a roast?

              7. I won those lotteries too. Darn, I was hoping I had a long lost cousin from the Ukraine who left be a million bucks. Oh well.

              8. haha you should see some of my spam mail. it is ridiculous.

              9. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I have gotten a few of those too. Ugh. My question is, who falls for those?! i have an e-mail from hs, that I hadn't checked in years, and omg...that thing had over 6,000 emails of pure junk. I tried to clear it out, but I was literally "winning a lottery" of some sort 30 times a minute!