Tuesday, June 15, 2010
100 Followers!
With a Little Help From my Friends..
I never thought when I started my blog last year that I'd reach 100 followers. At the time I was happy when I received one or two comments; it meant that someone was reading. Yet here we are. I've done a little work to find out more about who is reading me, after all this post is mainly about you guys. Here's what I've discovered.
You come from almost every part of the world; North America, South America, Europe, Asia, Africa and Australia. 92% of you are female, close to three quarters in your twenties. 100% of you are amazing. You've given me some of the most memorable moments of the past year, and I thank you all for your kind words and encouragement. I love the friendships we've developed, don't ever doubt it means a lot to me.
This site has gone through substantial changes over the past year and a bit. It evolved from featuring daily quotations to eventually showcasing some of my own writing. From there as I grew at ease I began to share my more personal poetry and stories, as well as who I am beneath the surface. It hasn't always been comfortable, in fact at times it's been a little unnerving. But it's those moments that are most rewarding, because they've been well received.
The intent here was never to make this blog strictly about me. In the past I've featured work from others; this will continue. Until recently I tended to steer away from more intense subjects, for fear of either alienating some readers or setting too heavy a mood. But in a recent conversation one of you reminded me that people who accept me for who I am will be there no matter what I post. That's stayed with me.
My self-harm post was pivotal in showing me that there is a place for topics that may make some uncomfortable, because they need to be talked about. For this reason I plan to explore more subjects of interest that deal with life from all angles; emotional, intellectual, spiritual, sexual, philosophical, social, physical. This blog is about being open-minded and speaking freely (not just myself but my readers as well). If I happen to raise a few eyebrows along the way I'll know I'm on the right track.
So I want to thank all of you for following along as I turn my insides out and share my heart and mind. For my part I'll do my best to keep things interesting. Most of all though I want to say how much I appreciate your friendship.
We're only getting started.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Award Time
A few days ago I was given this award by none other than my awesome wife Sandy (thanks hon!) The rules are simple: list seven random things about yourself and pass it on to others.
Seven things:
1) We're celebrating our thirteenth anniversary today.
2) I petted a bee in our backyard a few weeks ago. Not sure what possessed me to want to do that, but he/she was more interested in the flower than me. PS: Bees are fuzzy.
3) I once had sex while driving.
4) I've taken a tremendous interest in psychology. I wish I'd have been as interested in this in college; architectural drafting isn't nearly as intriguing.
5) I once asked a pregnant woman if she was seeing anybody, just for the hell of it.
6) My mother bought the car I lost my virginity in. I could never look at the back seat again without smiling.
7) I've come to value conversation more now than any time in my life.
I'm passing the Versatile Blogger Award on to:
Rasha (if it makes me smile, it's on your blog)
Jordan (a way of writing that makes me laugh so hard I could have milk running out of my nose. Even if I wasn't drinking it)
Rainey (edgy attitude, hilariously crude, all wrapped up within a voice of reason. Most of the time.)
Shannon (partner to H.B., mother to Nutkin and a bundle of total amazingness)
Ari (creative talent and frank conversation mixed together in a 5'3" package of Southern dynamite)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Random
"Pray for Rain" by xMacha
More fill-in the blanks...
In 10 years I want to be ten years younger.
Loneliness is a state of mind.
Being happy depends on yourself, no one else.
The best piece of advice I could ever give is if it's blue and fuzzy, don't eat it.
I have always been an idealistic romantic.
The little things we do are often felt the most.
If there's one thing you should know about me it's I'll be a friend through the hard times as well.
Last movie I saw was Turn The Beat Around.
My favorite color is soft pink (not on me).
I couldn't live without passion.
I'll never think I've learned everything.
If I can eat one thing for the rest of my life it would be pasta.
If I could star in a movie I would be James Bond.
If I could write a song it would be "I'll Be" (Edwin McCain).
I think therefore I question.
I love because there's no other feeling like it.
One word: passion.
One state of mind: curious.
If I had my last drink ever it would be some mixed alcoholic fruit drink on an exotic Caribbean island.
If it was possible I would swim in your secrets.
1 million dollars is not enough to make me want to sleep with Pamela Anderson.
I blog because I fear if I don't everything inside me will explode.
Cry. If you can feel then you're alive.
The only thing better than chocolate is sex.
I don't want to love you if you don't appreciate me.
If I was on a deserted island I would want all of you there with me. (Although in that case it wouldn't be deserted then would it?)
I want to be able to fly.
I would kill if it was legal. The death penalty for not using turn signals would make my drive into work so-o much easier.
I sing when I think no one can hear me. If you've ever heard me sing you'd know why.
I would die defending someone I love.
I think one day I might do stand-up again.
I read psychology.
Its easier to hurt than to hurt another.
Kissing is highly underrated.
Hugs can make you forget everything around you.
Midnight phone calls are annoying if it's a wrong number, delicious if it's someone who's adventurous. :)
Water has always been pretty wet if you ask me.
Who ever said money can't buy happiness hasn't driven a Ferrari.
Magic is only possible when you believe.
I would live a hundred years if I could spend it in good health with those I love.
I want to discover everything I don't know yet.
Listen to your heart but Nothing. Just listen to your heart.
Life is whatever you want to make it.
Age doesn't matter if you're four. 'Cause really, no matter how bad whatever you did is what are they gonna do, arrest you?
I would rather die than betray someone's trust.
I'm sorry for anything hurtful I've said or done that I can't take back.
My blog is me turned inside out.
Jokes are more frequent than funny.
Being helpless is frustrating when you can't reach someone.
Life through my eyes is pretty damn beautiful.
If I was an animal I would be an otter.
Stupidity should be rarer than it is.
Love is everything.
If I could name a planet I'd call it Amnesia. It'll piss off all the astronomers because they'd forget where it is.
My favorite number is somewhere between three and a million.
Randomness is better when it's not planned.
I'm slowly turning into someone I always wanted to be.
"Pray for Rain" by xMacha. Art credit: .http://browse.deviantart.com/digitalart/fractals/?order=24&offset=48#/d2rre34
Friday, June 11, 2010
Secret Friday- Crushin'
Hi guys, TGIF and welcome to the twenty-sixth installment of Secret Friday, a chance to share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty. All are valid.
Feel free to post any secrets or fantasies you have on any subject. As I mentioned last time, in addition to the regular comments I also plan to pose one question per week. This week's question is:
Do you have a secret crush on anyone?
I'd love to hear all about it. Comments can be left anonymously.
Here's how it works:
1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.
2) Post anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can contribute as many as you're comfortable with.
3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.
4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexual content you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.
5) Feedback about this feature is welcome, anonymously or otherwise.
6) As always I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.
And now to it...
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
How I Write
Over the past couple months I've had people ask me how I write. Where I draw my inspiration, what process I use to come up with my compositions. Yesterday a very dear friend wrote a wonderful poem on her blog. In her post she also asked for suggestions on how to overcome writer's block. At the risk of seeming self-indulgent I thought I'd take this time to run through some of my philosophy towards writing and discuss the approach I take. (I'll focus specifically on poetry and prose as quite a few of you are aspiring poets). I'm no expert but what follows is what works for me...
Inspiration
Unless it's been for academic reasons I have never actively sat down to write a poem. In other words, the inspiration has to be there first before the words can flow on paper. My inspiration comes from several places. Things I've seen, experiences I've had or that others I know have gone through, people I've known, or many things about which I'm just plain curious. In all cases the subjects of my writing have been those I've been passionate about and/or that I romanticize. When I use the word 'romanticize' I'm referring to anything in which I find an underlying beauty and mystique which may in fact be more than it possesses, or that others may or may not see. For example, Brooklyn was influenced by Springsteen's writing, my attempt at a vignette painted upon a stark urban canvas. For me the main character in that piece wasn't the lovelorn musician but the tenement building in which his girlfriend lived. When I was looking for a backdrop to this story I realized I held a romanticized notion of these buildings, so it seemed like a logical choice. The story played out very clearly in my mind before I ever wrote a word.
Whatever you choose to write has a better chance of being a strong piece if it's about something that inspires you. Where that inspiration comes from will be different for everybody. For some it comes from a very dark place and the result can make for heavy, even disturbing reading. This is perfectly valid, because to my mind the purpose of poetry is to evoke emotion in the reader. Your writing is an expression of who you are and what you're feeling. No one is to say if it's right or wrong.
Motivation
So how do we stay motivated to write? Why is it that some of us stumble and stagnate while others seem to consistently turn out compositions? (Doesn't it frustrate you sometimes to see that?) I have some unfinished pieces that will probably sit for a while until something prompts me to return to them. Others have almost written themselves, and those that have were invariably about things of which I felt intensely. Again, motivation is helped by writing about a subject I feel so strongly about that it will hold my interest long enough to finish it.
Writer's block. Sucks doesn't it? I think we all experience it at one time or another. I've found no magic solution to overcome this, sometimes it just takes time and patience until the mood strikes again. But there are a few ways to combat it. First, many of us have a tendency to put too much pressure on ourselves. It may seem counter-intuitive, but sometimes just putting it down and walking away for a while helps. If I give it a day or two and come back, often I'll find I can approach it with a fresh set of eyes and take it in a direction I may not have thought of before because I was too close to it.
Another approach to overcoming writer's block is to simply sit down and start. Think of a subject that inspires you. If writing is something you enjoy, try to do it as much as possible. You may find that when it becomes a habit, words will come more easily.
Perspiration
Okay so maybe you won't sweat much, but if you're putting all of yourself into your writing you'll still find that you're exercising your heart and mind. You may even find the process emotionally draining at times. This for me is when it's most rewarding, because I know I've reached down and pulled out something very personal. Things like this tend to resonate with people.
I find writing poetry or prose very much like putting together a puzzle. I'll be in the shower or drifting off to bed when an idea strikes me. This is always followed by words, lines and phrases that come to mind. I'm never too far from a pen and paper; I keep one on my reading side table in the living room, on the desk in my studio, in the glovebox of the car. (This is often where a lot of things come to mind. It isn't easy trying to jot down notes when you're crawling along in rush hour traffic!)
These notes end up in the form of various scrap pieces of paper, which I input regularly on my computer (I always compose on a word processor; it's so much easier to rearrange things). If I wake up at 2:00 in the morning and think of something I'll write it down, even if I'm too sleepy to know if it's good or if it can't be used in anything I'm currently writing. This is where the fun begins. I start to piece together these random thoughts as I would a puzzle, discarding what doesn't fit, adding more and tweaking certain words here and there. This process can take days, weeks or months.
I tend to write in 'free verse'; I usually find trying to fit thoughts into rhyme somewhat restrictive because I tend to look for words that will make it conform to a scheme rather than convey what it is I want to say. When I am composing in rhyme I take a more methodical approach. Usually a rhyme scheme will come to mind that lends itself to the poem. It's not anything I consciously choose. I'll use the last stanza from Released as an example:
What goes on in your good-girl mind
What shadows lurk, what secrets to find?
Would you surrender yourself
For one night of sin
When the wind blows through your door
And the wolf creeps in?
Let me simplify the structure to illustrate my point...
What goes on in your good-girl mind
What shadows lurk, what secrets to find?
Would you surrender yourself for one night of sin
When the wind blows through your door and the wolf creeps in?
I rarely have the entire verse in my head when I start, so I might literally notate it like this on the page (screen):
What goes on in your good-girl mind A
, what secrets to find? A
of sin B
When the wind blows through your door and the wolf creeps in? B
I virtually never have time to write a poem in one sitting. Instead the process consists of stolen moments, jotting down words here and there as I'm able until the piece gradually comes together. It's easy to forget the meter of the poem between the time I begin writing and the time I come back to it, so often I'll fill it in with 'nonsense' words (which I distinguish)...
What goes on in your good-girl mind A
Where do you go, what secrets to find? A
Can you uncover the dark for one night of sin B
When the wind blows through your door and the wolf creeps in? B
These lines don't have to make sense, I just use them as temporary 'placeholders'.
Now a few random thoughts:
-Have a specific intent in mind before you write. What story or message do you want to convey?
-Write when the mood strikes you, but don't force it. It's rarely productive.
-Don't rush the process, have fun with it.
-Be prepared to toss out some lines or phrases that don't fit in with the mood of your poem. Just because it sounds pretty doesn't mean you have to use it.
-Keep whatever you don't use, as it may find its way into another piece later on.
-Once you're satisfied with what you've written, put it down and come back to it a day or two later. You may find there are some changes to be made. I'm forever reworking what I thought was finished.
-Decide who you're writing for. You may choose to present something you've written to friends and family, if so be prepared to be critiqued. But if it's something you love, that's all that matters. Even if it isn't strong technically, your writing is an expression of who you are. Again, there's really no right or wrong.
I look forward to reading more from you. ♥
Monday, June 7, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Darkness

Darkness
Until that night I dared follow
When you thought me not around,
To the shadowed place where you retreat
To play within your darkness.
Silent through midnight’s blue,
Night fell cool upon your breast
Nightgown clinging, hair blown by untamed gale.
Rage of frail curtains blown tattered upon your window,
Tossed asunder.
And I, your eyes averted,
Silently mirrored your descent down spiral stairs.
Brushing aside cobwebbed memories
With each cautious step.
You asked aloud for someone there,
No one answered but the night.
And within your windblown heart
I wonder if you remembered
That I once swept through there too.
Daybreak peered through gaping floorboards.
And huddled in a corner,
Knees pulled to chest
You did not stir.
Nothing but to hold silent vigil
Until you were ready
To face the light again.
If I close my eyes
Will you take me to your hiding place
Where you mend pieces of your shattered past,
In those quietest of hours
Lit by memories of brighter days
And a more hopeful tomorrow?
Photo credit here.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Secret Friday- Your 'First Time'
What else is there to say but TGIF! I can't wait for the weekend, but first I'd like to turn your attention to something new. Secret Fridays has a new face.
Each week I'll be featuring a question. Although it'll be the theme of the post, also feel free to write in with a secret about anything else you like. I'll continue with these questions until I run out of ideas, which is where you come in. If you have a suggestion on a question to ask, please drop me an e-mail. Make your question as conservative or racy as you'd like, all will be considered and may be used.
______________
Today's question is: How was your 'first time'? (How old were you and your partner? Was it all you imagined it would be? If you haven't yet had sex, what do you envision your first time being like?)
Comments can be left anonymously.
_______________
Welcome to the twenty-fifth installment of Secret Friday, a chance to share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.
All are valid.
If you get something from this I hope you'll consider hosting one on your blog as well. Feel free to copy and paste the guidelines below if you choose. All I ask is that you keep a regular eye on your feedback; contributions can be intense sometimes and people writing in need to be respected.
Here's how it works:
1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.
2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with.
3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.
4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexual content you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.
5) Feedback about this feature is welcome, anonymously or otherwise.
6) As always I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.
And now to it...
Monday, May 31, 2010
Music That Moves Me
We all have it. That one song which, every time we hear it, just reaches down and grabs us at our very core. Sometimes we know exactly why we react this way, other times the reason is elusive. Either way it can't be denied that for most of us music pulls out emotion like few things in life.
I'm posting some songs here (in no particular order) that have that effect on me. For some, as soon as I hear the first few notes they immediately trigger a tear. For others it takes a few bars. They literally make me stop whatever I'm doing, and everything around me melts away. All I'm left with is this feeling. The feeling that someone has reached through my chest and grabbed my heart. The clenching shortens my breath. It's uncomfortable, but God help me at the same time I love the experience. Because even in moments of intense melancholy I feel.
And when you feel, you're alive.
(Special mention also goes to Howard Jones' "City Song". Couldn't find a video for it).
I felt it all over again just putting this post together. It's emotionally draining sometimes, but in a good way. Hard to explain, I guess you get it or you don't.
...so what songs move you?
I'm posting some songs here (in no particular order) that have that effect on me. For some, as soon as I hear the first few notes they immediately trigger a tear. For others it takes a few bars. They literally make me stop whatever I'm doing, and everything around me melts away. All I'm left with is this feeling. The feeling that someone has reached through my chest and grabbed my heart. The clenching shortens my breath. It's uncomfortable, but God help me at the same time I love the experience. Because even in moments of intense melancholy I feel.
And when you feel, you're alive.
(Special mention also goes to Howard Jones' "City Song". Couldn't find a video for it).
I felt it all over again just putting this post together. It's emotionally draining sometimes, but in a good way. Hard to explain, I guess you get it or you don't.
...so what songs move you?
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Mindscape
How to not think you a poem,
When your words give rhyme to uncertainties?
How to not think you a song,
When you harmoniously resonate through the mind?
How to not think you a bird,
When you fly unencumbered by life's gravity?
How to not think you nature's fury,
When like a gale you stir the soul?
How to not think you?
Photo credit here
Friday, May 28, 2010
Secret Friday
sooo sexy!
Is it really Friday? Yeah baby! Welcome to the twenty-fourth installment of Secret Friday, a chance to anonymously share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.
All are valid.
Before we get into this I want to talk about something that happened a few days ago that I probably won't forget as long as I run this. As I mentioned last week, Rasha told me she decided to start featuring "Tell Me A Secret Tuesday" weekly on her blog. A great comment from Amber on Rasha's post this week caught my attention. She said,
"I don't have a secret today - but somehow reading this post last week and this week makes me feel better. Not that I'm happy that other people are struggling by any means - I wish everyone could find the peace and contentment they long for. But somehow this post makes me realize that we all have issues, all have secrets, all have unanswered prayers - and that's just a part of life I'm learning to live with."
It's hard to explain how it felt to read that, because it's exactly the reason I started Secret Fridays. Through all our secrets, fantasies and struggles we share a commonality which, when laid naked before all to see, makes us realize we're not alone. The submissions I receive from all of you are sometimes not easy to read but they're so, so important. I thank you Amber for allowing me to repost your comment here.
If you want to see more, also drop by to visit Neisy for her Secret Fridays. (If her post isn't up now it should be shortly). I love that this idea has also crossed the ocean to Egypt.
Okay, here's how this works:
1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.
2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with.
3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.
4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexual content you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.
5) Feedback about this feature is welcome, anonymously or otherwise.
6) I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.
On to it...
Is it really Friday? Yeah baby! Welcome to the twenty-fourth installment of Secret Friday, a chance to anonymously share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.
All are valid.
Before we get into this I want to talk about something that happened a few days ago that I probably won't forget as long as I run this. As I mentioned last week, Rasha told me she decided to start featuring "Tell Me A Secret Tuesday" weekly on her blog. A great comment from Amber on Rasha's post this week caught my attention. She said,
"I don't have a secret today - but somehow reading this post last week and this week makes me feel better. Not that I'm happy that other people are struggling by any means - I wish everyone could find the peace and contentment they long for. But somehow this post makes me realize that we all have issues, all have secrets, all have unanswered prayers - and that's just a part of life I'm learning to live with."
It's hard to explain how it felt to read that, because it's exactly the reason I started Secret Fridays. Through all our secrets, fantasies and struggles we share a commonality which, when laid naked before all to see, makes us realize we're not alone. The submissions I receive from all of you are sometimes not easy to read but they're so, so important. I thank you Amber for allowing me to repost your comment here.
If you want to see more, also drop by to visit Neisy for her Secret Fridays. (If her post isn't up now it should be shortly). I love that this idea has also crossed the ocean to Egypt.
Okay, here's how this works:
1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.
2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with.
3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.
4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexual content you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.
5) Feedback about this feature is welcome, anonymously or otherwise.
6) I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.
On to it...
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Self-Harm: A Greater Understanding
One of the biggest benefits of blogging is that it affords us a chance to learn about lifestyles and cultures that we would never know otherwise. Shortly after I started my site last year I stumbled upon a blog which revealed a world of which I knew very little.
L. was a bi-sexual woman in her late-twenties, involved in a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship with her female partner. She was the submissive in that relationship, as well as in her previous relationship with a male partner. She also self-injured. In other words, she willingly cut herself. The conversation that followed was one of the most valuable experiences I've had in understanding a life lived much differently than my own. It also raised an important question.
Why is self-harm not talked about more often?
No way around it, this is a heavy subject. It's a growing phenomenon, particularly common among girls and starting typically around age fourteen. People who self-harm commonly have eating disorders. They may have a history of sexual, physical, or verbal abuse. Many are sensitive, overachievers. Self-injury begins as a defense against what's going on in their lives; it's a way of gaining control. Psychiatrists believe that for people with emotional problems, self-injury has an effect similar to cocaine and other drugs that release endorphins to create a state of comfort.
Recently on one of my almost-daily visits to the psychology section of my favourite local bookseller, I chanced upon a book written by a woman who experienced this through most of her life.
Victoria Leatham has written this book under a pseudonym. Her story began in her late teens with the realization that she was depressed but unsure of how to deal with it. It continued, and after university she turned to self-harm as an escape. In her words, "What I wanted-what I needed- was a pain that I could see and deal with. I couldn't cope with the mess inside me any longer, and cutting myself seemed to be the best solution."
As the book moves forward we read of her struggle over the following years to gain control, in which she experienced (amongst other things) binge drinking, sexual promiscuity and visits to various psychiatrists. She was prescribed various treatments over time, including numerous medications, and voluntarily had herself institutionalized on a few occasions. She received the help she needed through cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), in which she came face to face with her thinking and beliefs. CBT commonly entails keeping a diary of significant events and associated feelings, thoughts and behaviors; questioning and testing cognitions, assumptions, evaluations and beliefs that might be unhelpful and unrealistic; gradually facing activities which may have been avoided; and trying out new ways of behaving and reacting. The most difficult part of this for her was learning not to trust her instincts.
Although this book sounds like an incredibly heavy read, I found it very hard to put down. It's well-written, not at all clinical, and gives a lot of insight into the mind of one person struggling to break free of her demons. Although she made some unfortunate choices, I was struck by her continuing strength and determination to break free of this behaviour. She never gave up, but instead continually sought treatment.
Approximately 1% of the US population has inflicted physical injury upon themselves at some time in their life as a way of coping with an overwhelming situation or feeling. Those numbers are most likely an underestimation, because the majority of acts of self-injury go unreported. The figures are higher in many other countries. I would have liked to have seen the book include information at the end on how to seek help, perhaps include some links to treatment centres. Otherwise it's an excellent and (I think) important read to gain a greater understanding of this tragic affliction. Definitely recommended.
As a side note, in preparation for this post I've done some research and found that there are many centres which offer treatment for those who self-harm. One of the better-known seems to be S.A.F.E. Alternatives (click to link to their site). If you know any teenagers struggling with similarly serious issues I'm including a link to Young Womens Resource Center (click to link).
I'm interested in hearing any comments, anonymous or otherwise, on this subject. If you made it this far, thank you for reading.
"What Makes You Tick" Giveaway Winner!
And the winner is...
...Jill from Life After College. Congrats Jill! I'm working on the logistics of shipping this and it should be on its way Friday.
A very sincere thank-you to all of you who talked about who you are beneath the surface. It's not an easy thing to do. All entries came to me confidentially by e-mail and as such I can't publish them (sorry guys!) I can reveal that I had seven entries from men and women in four countries.
I'm considering ideas for my next giveaway in the next few months, suggestions are welcome!
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Battle Studies
I like to think of myself as a romantic. I'm a sucker for poetry, sappy ballads and a good love story. I believe in 'happily ever after'. Tend to romanticize people, situations and memories more than I should sometimes. I believe in chivalry and treating a woman like a lady, although I've never viewed women as the weaker sex.
I see beauty in everything around me.
But I'm also a realist. I don't believe in love at first sight; if anything it equates more to physical attraction. I won't say love at first sight isn't possible, just not probable. I don't subscribe to conventional views of soulmates; it's hard to believe that in a world full of millions of possible partners we all have just ONE person we're meant to be with. I do believe in happily ever after, but not as exists in storybooks and movies. Happily ever after takes work and doesn't always come easily; but it's working through the ups and downs that makes a loving relationship truly rewarding.
So here's the internal battle I'm fighting. Is it possible for these two sides to exist without one taking over the other? Can eyes that colour the world with romantic idealism still see it realistically? Am I just overanalyzing this?
Undecided.
Friday, May 21, 2010
Secret Friday
Welcome to the twenty-third installment of Secret Friday, a chance to anonymously share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.
All are valid.
If you can't get enough of secrets, also drop by to visit Neisy. (If her post isn't up now it should be shortly). I love that this idea has crossed the ocean to Egypt. You're awesome Neisy! Also be sure to visit Rasha for "Tell Me A Secret Tuesday". Rasha and I recently became acquainted and it looks like she'll (hopefully) make this a regular feature on her blog. If you want to see more please drop her a comment here with a secret and/or note of encouragement. I'm sure she'll love to hear from you.
Here's how this works:
1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.
2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with.
3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.
4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexual content you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.
5) Feedback about this feature is welcome, anonymously or otherwise.
6) I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.
Enough of my yapping, on to it...
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Brooklyn (revisited)
Can't think of anything to write at the moment so I'm posting something I wrote last year. Whether you're reading it for the first time or you've read it previously, I hope you like it.
Brooklyn
Moonlight bathes these worn tenements
Gray clouds receeded, marking rainstorm’s pass.
And I in torn faded jeans,
Weathered guitar resting in lap,
Keep vigil upon this towering web of stairs.
Your fire escape Romeo,
Futilely awaiting your return.
Was a time we'd have torn the roof off this place to get to each other,
Evading your father’s watchful eye
Mother’s vehement stare.
Chasing dreams like yellow cabs
We lived to make every corner a memory,
Stealing kisses and so much more
Down every backstreet we ran.
But those days have faded
Like neon signs in familiar places,
Having long since closed their eyes.
Where did we go?
Fell in love with a picture we painted
Of our lives together
Like watercolours on the sidewalk
Washed away
When the storms grew too strong for us to repress.
Light fog now rolls down this alley,
Ghostly shadows playing through billowing sidewalk steam.
And here, bathed in dim streetlights’ glow,
Awash in mist and memories,
I’ll sit and wait for you forever
In Brooklyn.
Brooklyn
Moonlight bathes these worn tenements
Gray clouds receeded, marking rainstorm’s pass.
And I in torn faded jeans,
Weathered guitar resting in lap,
Keep vigil upon this towering web of stairs.
Your fire escape Romeo,
Futilely awaiting your return.
Was a time we'd have torn the roof off this place to get to each other,
Evading your father’s watchful eye
Mother’s vehement stare.
Chasing dreams like yellow cabs
We lived to make every corner a memory,
Stealing kisses and so much more
Down every backstreet we ran.
But those days have faded
Like neon signs in familiar places,
Having long since closed their eyes.
Where did we go?
Fell in love with a picture we painted
Of our lives together
Like watercolours on the sidewalk
Washed away
When the storms grew too strong for us to repress.
Light fog now rolls down this alley,
Ghostly shadows playing through billowing sidewalk steam.
And here, bathed in dim streetlights’ glow,
Awash in mist and memories,
I’ll sit and wait for you forever
In Brooklyn.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Q&A- Five People I'd Like To Meet
This post is in response to an interesting question I received last week, "If you could only invite 5 people (living or deceased) to dinner who would they be and why?" Here they are (click on each name for more info)...
Mohandas Gandhi
Gandhi was one of the greatest leaders of the 20th Century, a man who lived a modest life and lived as he preached. He was a quietly outspoken advocate of a simple life lived in truth, spirituality, love and non-violence. I'd like to sit with him and just listen to what he has to say; you can't have too much of any of these things in your life.
Mother Teresa
One of the most selfless humanitarians of our time. Mother Teresa devoted her life completely to caring for others in Third-World countries who were sick and dying of various diseases. I'd like to sit with her because someone like this is bound to have a profound influence on the way you look at life. I think I'd leave that conversation with more compassion than I now have.
Freidrich Nietzsche
To my mind Nietzsche is one of the most brilliant philosophers of modern times (nineteenth century). While much of his work admittedly makes my brain hurt, his philosophies are fascinating and I find his most frequently quoted works still hold many truisms today. (Many of his quotations appear on this blog). I'd almost be scared to sit with him as our discussion on philosophy could run for hours, much of that time taken up with me asking questions.
Dr. Cindy M. Meston, Ph.D.
John Mayer
I consider John Mayer to be one of today's best singer/songwriters. He's also an accomplished guitarist with a considerable blues background, and can hold his own with the best of them. For me John's writing reflects a tremendous grasp of the human condition, particularly relationships. I'd like to sit with him and just talk about life. No one else influences me as heavily; if I could write like anyone it would be this guy.
Disclaimer: I realize that Wikipedia isn't always 100% accurate, but it does give a good overview of each person's bio.
Mohandas Gandhi
Gandhi was one of the greatest leaders of the 20th Century, a man who lived a modest life and lived as he preached. He was a quietly outspoken advocate of a simple life lived in truth, spirituality, love and non-violence. I'd like to sit with him and just listen to what he has to say; you can't have too much of any of these things in your life.
Mother Teresa
One of the most selfless humanitarians of our time. Mother Teresa devoted her life completely to caring for others in Third-World countries who were sick and dying of various diseases. I'd like to sit with her because someone like this is bound to have a profound influence on the way you look at life. I think I'd leave that conversation with more compassion than I now have.
Freidrich Nietzsche
To my mind Nietzsche is one of the most brilliant philosophers of modern times (nineteenth century). While much of his work admittedly makes my brain hurt, his philosophies are fascinating and I find his most frequently quoted works still hold many truisms today. (Many of his quotations appear on this blog). I'd almost be scared to sit with him as our discussion on philosophy could run for hours, much of that time taken up with me asking questions.
Dr. Cindy M. Meston, Ph.D.
Cindy M. Meston is one of the world's leading experts on female sexual psychophysiology. Recently she collaborated with evolutionary psychologist David M. Buss to publish "Why Women Have Sex", the result of a three-year study of approximately 1,000 women. I'd like to sit with her because no other study of female sexuality that I've read has explored the psychology involved as thoroughly, and I consider these findings to be somewhat of a breakthrough. It's a fascinating, amazing read. (Click here for further studies by the Meston lab on sexual function and dysfunction).
John Mayer
I consider John Mayer to be one of today's best singer/songwriters. He's also an accomplished guitarist with a considerable blues background, and can hold his own with the best of them. For me John's writing reflects a tremendous grasp of the human condition, particularly relationships. I'd like to sit with him and just talk about life. No one else influences me as heavily; if I could write like anyone it would be this guy.
Disclaimer: I realize that Wikipedia isn't always 100% accurate, but it does give a good overview of each person's bio.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Secret Friday
TGIF! I hope you're all warmer than I am right now, we're experiencing a chilly Spring where I live. Ah well, I'm sure warmer weather's on its way.
Welcome to the twenty-second installment of Secret Friday, a chance to anonymously share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.
All are valid.
If you get something from this I hope you'll consider hosting one on your blog as well. Feel free to copy and paste the guidelines below if you choose. All I ask is that you keep a regular eye on your feedback; contributions can be intense sometimes and people writing in need to be respected.
Here's how it works:
1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.
2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with.
3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.
4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexual content you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.
5) Feedback about this feature is welcome, anonymously or otherwise.
6) As always I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.
And now to it...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Giveaway- What Makes You Tick? (Updated)
Thanks to everyone who read about me. It was an interesting exercise to say the least but I enjoyed writing it, as well as reading all your great comments. I chanced upon the clock above in my favourite local bookstore today, and it's inspired a giveaway.
Please note: I've changed the closing date for this giveaway to May 26th and will be drawing a name on that day. I've discovered that there are severe restrictions in shipping clocks to the US by courier or mail, however I have a friend flying to the States on May 28th and she's offered to take it with her and mail it from there.
When you e-mail me, please include your full mailing address. This will ensure, if I draw a winner from the US, that it'll get on the flight in time.
The Goal:
As many of you know I'm always interested in learning more about people. So I want to know what makes you tick. That is, what you feel has made you who you are, why you do what you do. Here's how it works.
Write something that gives insight to who you are. It doesn't have to be as lengthy or in-depth as I wrote earlier; I'm not asking anyone to go through some painful regression. Just give us a better idea of who you are beneath your surface.
A few suggestions to get you started:
-was there a significant event in your life that shaped who you are? Describe how.
-was there anything you rebelled against that led you down a different path? What was the result?
-did you have a strong personality trait that carried into later years? What is it and how is it significant?
-did you aspire towards something when you were younger that you pursued in your later years?
-was there an influential person in your life who taught you certain values? What were they and how do they apply to your life now?
The Rules:
- there are no restrictions on content or length.
- it can be something you've posted within the past month if it's significant to describing who you are now
- e-mail me at barrysquotations@gmail.com and refer me to your post after it's up so I can enter your name.
- I recognize that some people will be more comfortable with this than others. You have the option of e-mailing me with what you've written if you'd rather.
- title of your post can be anything you'd like
- winner will be determined by random draw, rather than by content.
- whether the submission comes by blog or e-mail, I'll be posting the winner's name. In the case of a post I'll provide a link to it; if it was by private e-mail the submission will not be published.
- giveaway runs for
threetwo weeks. The winner will be drawn onTuesday, June 1stWednesday, May 26th and announced shortly after. - I'll also link to all other submissions when I make the announcement so that people get a chance to drop by and visit you.
The clock is 6 inches in diameter, glass-faced, with eight gears that continuously revolve. It's very cool to watch, now that I've seen it in action I'm thinking of getting one myself. It can be wall-mounted and also comes with a stand for desktop use. Takes two C batteries which will not be included due to shipping restrictions. Approx. value: $30.00.
Good luck everyone!
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Q&A- What Makes Me Tick
"Only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile".
-Albert Einstein
On Monday I asked you guys to submit any questions you have for me. The first question I received was, “What makes YOU tick? What has happened in your life that makes you such a compassionate man?” It was unexpected, I didn’t anticipate anything quite so profound.
The question of who we are and why can’t be answered easily or quickly. It can’t be answered simply by looking at what we are on the surface or who we are in the present. To truly understand another person we need go back to the start. Put another way, this is going to be a long-ass reply.
There’s a law in forensics called Locard’s Principle of Transferrence which says that when a person commits a crime they will leave at the scene something that was not there before, and carry away with them something that was not on them previously. I believe this is also true with people; we are the sum total of those we meet in our lives. Their influences shape us as we allow (consciously or subconsciously) and we carry a part of everyone we know, good or bad, with us. So back to the start.
Childhood
I had a great childhood, in fact I’d say it was amazing. I did everything a boy loves to do, played rough, broke some bones, played with friends. In my eyes my parents were perfect. They loved my brother, sister and me very openly. My mother was a huge influence, she taught us to be open to seeing life through others' eyes and to accept people for who they are. I never once saw her show prejudice towards anyone. This was where I first learned compassion and understanding.
Adolescence
When I was twelve my parents divorced and we began living with our mother. My teen years weren’t great. I had a falling-out with my father that would last into my twenties. My stepfather was an abusive alcoholic who was a tyrant when he was drinking. I didn't have a strong male figure in my life after the divorce.
These years were filled with dysfunction. I tended to stay in my room a lot as a way of dealing with it. It was during this time that I learned I had a choice of how to handle the things that life threw at me. I could have turned to alcohol and joined him. I could have escaped with drugs. But I chose to rebel against it all. I also learned during this time that we can’t judge those who do become dependant on drugs or alcohol. While it’s
easy to dismiss as a weakness, everyone has their external or inner demons to deal with and we have to put ourselves in their shoes, try to understand them. What I had learned about compassion earlier carried me through this.
Despite a disruptive home life I did well in school. My dating life was a different story. I was always ‘the friend’, a shoulder for others but rarely a boyfriend. While I was happy to be supportive it certainly had its frustrations; sensitive guys don’t get laid much. I was to make up for this when I hit my twenties.
Twenties
When I was in my late twenties I was finally able to leave home. I couldn’t stand to have beer in my fridge for over a year. I hardly drink now, never did much, and most of you (male or female) could drink me under a table. I’m good with this. Another example of external influences.
I met Sandy when I was 28 and we married a few years later. And all the frustrations, all the disappointment and the hurts I had experienced before faded to distant memory. She was my reward for what I had gone through.
My Accident
In April of 2008 I had a car accident as I was leaving work one Friday evening. I had been through this experience years previously with Sandy when a car ran a light and T-boned us. But this time would be a significant turning point in my life. That one split-second impact created a ripple whose effects have resonated every day of my life since.
For the following three months I went through physiotherapy to treat torn muscles between the ribs in my back. Physically I healed, but psychologically I was distraught. I was incredibly emotional, and felt I couldn’t revert back to who I had been. For the first time in years I was full of self-doubt and uncertainty. Eventually, athough I regained my self-confidence I began to feel a void, like my life lacked purpose. This feeling and my search to find the reason behind it was to last several months. Shortly before spring of 2009 I realized I needed to take the focus off myself and put it on others. Admittedly I've always had somewhat of a 'hero complex'; I get a lot from giving of myself (I hope this doesn't sound too self-serving). I believed this was the answer I was searching for.
At the time of my accident I had a friend at work who was sending daily quotations to some of us. I remembered how these quotes had often helped me keep things in perspective, and thought it would be a good way to reach out to people. She had since left but I decided to start it up again, and within a few weeks my e-mail distribution list had grown to over 250 people in Canada, Australia, the US, Trinidad and the UK. It was getting out of hand so I began looking for other options, and in March of 2009 “Life In Quotations” was born.
Gradually I began to feature my own writing in the form of quotations, poetry and short stories. As I wrote I started to get a lot more feedback and developed a following. This following turned to friendships, some of which have grown very close. I began to realize I could continue to be a shoulder to others- much more comfortably, in the case of my female friends, as any fear of romantic 'tension' have been removed. Any doubts I had in my ability to develop these relationships had faded. Most of you don't realize how much this helped, you've been a shoulder to me as well and I've always appreciated it.
Where I’m At Now
Two years after the accident I feel better about my life than ever. I adore Sandy, we're more in love today than when we met seventeen years ago. She was incredibly patient with me while I was recovering emotionally (the physical part was easy in comparison). She gave me room to heal, and did it all with understanding when I didn't understand what I was going through myself. I feel I've emerged from that experience a better person, and I attribute a large part of it to her. She never stifled my growth and I love her for it.
I never intended my blog to be about me. Initially it was a way of reaching out to others; as time went on it became cathartic to receive feedback and develop relationships in the process. I realized it wasn't selfish anymore to want to gain something from this. Today, although I do feature my own writing and cover what’s going on in my life, I still like to turn the focus back on my readers regularly. Every one of you are important to me, I write as much for you as for myself.
I’ve had some memorable conversations in recent months. I’ve become more interested in what motivates people, what lies beneath the surface. I want to know about life through people whose experiences are much different than my own, from those of different backgrounds and lifestyles. And although I've grown to have a greater understanding of women over the years you still hold considerable mystery to me; seeing life through your eyes is endlessly intriguing.
I'll continue to learn about the world with an open mind, discover things I haven’t yet. Hopefully continue being fortunate enough to see sides of people they wouldn't normally share. I want to approach it all with childlike curiosity. I want to be loved, but as importantly I want to be trusted. Someone placing their trust in you goes a long way in showing what they think of you. It's a huge demonstration of acceptance, and if I'm honest I guess that's why it's so important in my life.
I’ve grown to realize that if I really want to make a difference while I'm here I should move not mountains, but people. Success in my life has never been defined by career or possessions. For me, success is anything I can do that will make people look back with a smile when I’m gone and think, “I’m glad I knew him.”
That’s what makes me tick.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Secret Friday
Happy Friday everyone! Is it just me or did this week go by really fast?
Welcome to the twenty-first installment of this series, a chance to anonymously share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.
All are valid.
If you get something from this I hope you'll consider hosting one on your blog as well. Feel free to copy and paste the guidelines below if you choose. All I ask is that you keep a regular eye on your feedback; contributions can be intense sometimes and people writing in need to be respected.
Also visit Neisy here for Secret Friday on her blog.
Here's how it works:
1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.
2) Post a secret or fantasy anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can post as many as you're comfortable with.
3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.
4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexual content you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.
5) Feedback about this feature is welcome, anonymously or otherwise.
6) As always I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.
And now to it...
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Q&A time
I won't have a post ready for another day or two, so I'm putting this one out to you guys. If there's anything you'd like to know about me, drop me an e-mail at: barrysquotations@gmail(dot)com .
I'll post my answers here on Sunday (only your question will be posted, not your name). Ask whatever you'd like.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Tempest
She blew in like a storm unexpected. You know the kind. One minute everything’s clear, next thing you’re covered in rain and your world’s turned upside down. And although the sky’s moody you can’t help but be mesmerized by its intensity.
She washed away all of which I was certain and disappeared just as quickly as she came. And when the sun broke through my world was fresh and I saw everything in a different way.
That’s what good storms do. They never leave you the way they found you.
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