Coping With Loss

 Hey everyone.  This is a pretty heavy subject going into the weekend, but like everything I post here it's for a reason.

 Those of you who know me are aware that I'll talk about anything, there's really no subject I'm uncomfortable discussing. But when it comes to death I usually struggle for words.  I don't know what to say to someone who's grieving, there's little consolation to be found when a loved one is lost.  I came across this poem on someone's blog a while ago, it had a tremendous affect on me and has stayed with me since.

 I post this for those of you who are struggling with the loss of someone. May you find some peace in these words.

                                                               

Gone From My Sight

by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,

spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts

for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.

I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck

of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,

hull and spar as she was when she left my side.

And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"

there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices

ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

Secret Friday will return

Hey guys, I've decided to take a break from Secret Friday today.  It'll be back next week. TGIF!!  :)

Veiled (revisited)

Veiled


May I be this bold
To chip away a piece of mortar
In the wall
Which surrounds you,
That I may peer in just a little
And let the light
Melt away
Some of your darkness.

Your glance betrays
Guarded secrets;
How you answer ghosts
Who call your name.
Your Self
Is your strongest weakness.

Still by your side I'll sit,
Take your hand in mine
And read of a life untold
While I wait
Patiently
For you to become
Who you are.

What Happens at Strip Club, Stays At Strip Club (well most of it anyway)

Ever have those weekends where you've been productive and feel really good about what you've accomplished?  That you feel you've made a significant contribution to something, that God would be really proud with what you've done?  I have too, and last weekend wasn't one of them.

Last weekend was my brother's stag.

For a night like this to occur, seventeen men first needed to respond as to whether or not they were attending. Then plans had to be made on transportation and venues. Organizing all this amongst a group of guys is a lot like trying to herd cats, it took forever. I'm not sure why it played out this way. Possibly due to late notice of the outing, more likely due to the other halves ix-naying any lewdness with scantily clad young ladies. As it turned out we arranged a group of six of us including my brother.

I should mention that not only did I go with Sandy's blessing, in addition to my own money she gave me an extra $50 "just in case I needed it". How many wives would do that?  Especially knowing what she knows about these places. (More on that later).

We had two pizzas and downed a few beers at my brother's before hopping in a cab. Our first stop was probably the most well-known strip club in Toronto. I'd never been there, can't say I was overly impressed with the layout although the girls were nice.

Now, some of you reading will be disgusted with the idea of strip clubs.  I get that, I really do. In many ways they're a sign of everything that's wrong with society; the notion of women as sex objects, infidelity, materialism, excess (booze, drugs and sex whether seen or not). But in some ways a strip club is a tremendous testimony to the power that women have over men. 

I've always believed that the notion of woman as the weaker sex died when the suffragette movement gained steam in the 1920's.  Successive generations have become more empowered to the point that today's woman is dominant socially, economically and sexually. This movement has tilted the role of men in relationships, in that where many women want a man they don't need him. More women than ever are supporting themselves, creating a shift in independence which has threatened many a man's ego. But I'm getting off-topic so back to the night.

We all settled in, had more than a few drinks and lap dances. One of the dancers was particularly memorable for me, not because she was more talented or attractive than the others (she was a good-looking girl), but because of the conversation we had.  When she was at my table she rolled my wedding ring between her fingers, looked me in the eyes and told me she liked married men.  I playfully asked her why, and she answered "Because they have something to lose".

  C'mon, you didn't expect her to recite a passage from the Bible did you?

 As she danced for me we talked about the reasons men come to these places, how they seek things they can't get at home (true in some cases). She spoke of how the money was too good to give up, and how she loved the power she exuded over men. Interesting having a conversation like this with a nude girl draped upon you.  Who says men can't multi-task? 

She told me she's had couples ask her to join them. She's had married women ask her to share their bed, wanting to keep it from their husbands. This didn't surprise me, everybody's curious about something.  I shared some secrets with her, it's rather liberating with someone you know you won't see again.  (I didn't reveal anything too earth-shattering though, because you just never know). Makes you wonder how many of these back-room confessions take place and what's said.

We came there for the girls.  But the give-and-take around us and just the psychology of it all held tremendous interest for me. Leave it to me I guess to turn a visit to a strip club into a social study. 

One of the guys had an apartment not too far away so we took a subway there and had a couple drinks before hopping into a cab to a second club several miles away. This place was packed, loud and rowdy. Awesome!  Kind of like Coyote Ugly with boobs. We were able to get my brother on stage, where the dancer had some fun with him. On a dare from one of the guys I went up a bit later. (I've already tarnished my reputation with some of you so I won't say what went on).  Incidentally this is the same club that Sandy took me to a few weeks prior, which ended up being one of the most memorable nights in recent memory.

Anyway we left the club, did a 3am McDonald's drive-thru run where we were served by a girl with attitude who very obviously didn't want to be there.  Hey, would you want to be working at McDonald's at 3am on a late Saturday night shift?  When we got back we were short fries and one of the burgers may have had a bite out of it, we weren't sure.  I crashed at my brother's place at 4:30am, woke up in a strange bed to a pillow beside me falling on my arm and for a minute thought I had woken up with someone.  Try explaining that little glitch to your spouse.  

Although it should have been a night to forget considering how much I had to drink I remember it all, made it through just fine and had a great time.

For those of you who don't think I'm a total dog I'll see you next post.  :)

Let's Talk About Sex: When Bad Past Experiences Become Present Thought

This post addresses an issue that I think some of you have faced and which I feel needs to be talked about. Sandy has allowed me to write about it from my perspective, it’s intensely personal and for some will be TMI.  But my wife and I don’t mind shedding light on our more private moments if we believe it could help someone else. After all it's become the main focus of my blog.

Along with the many physiological changes the body experiences during sex, the brain undergoes changes as well. A symphony of chemicals such as vasopressin, dopamine and oxytocin are released, which give feelings of pleasure and bonding. But sometimes in the process the mind can quickly regress to unpleasant past experiences. This happened a few nights ago.

When we got home from work Sandy and I had decided to have a little fun before dinner; a romp in the sheets (or wherever) is a great way to work up an appetite. This was nothing new as we never quite know when the mood will strike us and usually give into it when we're able. We enjoy aggressive sex and were both lost in the moment, caught up in the physicality of it all.  Or so I thought.

A few hours later when we were going to sleep Sandy finally broke down crying. She told me that during the time this was happening she felt uncomfortable and not ready, although she wasn't sure why. She realized afterwards that she was experiencing memories of a night when she was almost date-raped.  She said it wasn't anything I had done that triggered it, just where her mind went. We cuddled as we talked about it and resumed a more gentle, intimate session of lovemaking.

These things can occur with no forewarning.  It was the first time we faced this situation in eighteen years of being together.  I had no indication she was feeling this way; there were no verbal or facial cues, no physiological indicators, nothing to tip me off to what was going through her mind.  If it can happen to a couple who are this familiar with each other, it can most certainly happen to a couple who have been together a short time.

I'm writing this because many of you have faced abuse in some form, some of you have been raped. Traumatic events like this can be dealt with head-on or repressed, but the after-effects will (I believe) never completely go away and can be triggered quite unexpectedly. If you find yourself in a situation where you're uncomfortable or even downright fearful it's extremely important to tell your partner at the time, regardless of whether or not he's doing anything intentionally to make you feel this way.  As a man, I can tell you that no guy wants to stop in the middle of sex.  But if your partner cares for you at all he'll understand. If he doesn't, talk it through.  If he still doesn't understand or blows it off, you really need to re-evaluate your relationship. 

To the guys, no matter how worked-up a man gets he needs to keep his partner's comfort and safety in mind.  You owe it to her, and it's something she has every right to demand. 

I encourage all of you to please keep the dialogue open at all times, communication should never stop when your head hits the pillow. Never feel afraid to speak up.

Back Tomorrow

No post today, I'm leaving shortly for my brother's wedding (they've asked me to emcee and I couldn't be more proud!)

I'll return tomorrow with a post that promises to be a little hotter and heavier than usual.  Stay tuned!

Secret Friday

Can you believe I almost forgot to post this?  Me either!  I haven't written much lately, the poem I featured on Wednesday ("Timeless") took the better part of two months on and off to finish.

Anyway, TGIF! It's time for the thirty-seventh installment of Secret Friday, a chance to share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how this works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) Post anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can contribute as many as you're comfortable with.

3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexuality you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.

5) As always I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.

6) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Timeless (poem)

Timeless


Tears on your window from saddened skies
Seek quiet refuge in your eyes,
As lanterns filled with fireflies
Bring light this dreary day denies.

No longer gripped in passion's throes
Wondering where the rapture goes,
Mind drifts to misty long agos
When romance lived beyond the rose.

I'll sing you tales of maidens fair
With strands of sunlight in their hair,
Forever bathed in golden rays
Warmed by summer's yesterdays.

Playfully chased through billowed field
Each feigned protest artfully revealed,
With chivalrous advance their fate lay sealed
And love's sweet innocence sworn to yield.

It's grandeur of these days you seek
Forever's tears upon your cheek,
Flames rage within your wild heart still
Though tightly grasped in winter's chill.

As shadows play rest heavy eyes
Lost in Gothic lullabies,
Where longing for what's lost subsides
And your knight in shining armour rides.

~Barry O'Shea







Photo credit here. Ice Maiden by ChrissieCool. 2007-2010.

Clarity

"And I will wait to find
If this will last forever,
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't 'cause it can't,
It just can't.
It's not supposed to."

~'Clarity', John Mayer


On a recent drive with Sandy through an adjoining town I was reminded how much things around me are changing. This is a town we used to visit fairly often. Sandy's nephew used to live out there; he's bi-polar and has isolated himself from the family (including disowning his father through no wrong-doing on his dad's part). Her nephew has no interest in contact and unfortunately we haven't seen him for some time. Sad.

For almost two years I drove Sandy out that way for a night school law clerk course, which she's since finished. Our accountant was in the area, he's moved on. The hobby shop I loved to visit closed a few years ago. It's those things I guess we find so easy to take forgranted at the time that have a way of fading.

This week I'll be saying goodbye to an employee who has become a good friend. They say managers shouldn't become too close to their staff, but after nine years it's hard not to develop a close relationship with someone I can confide in as I have with her. She'll be missed.

At some point in the near future Sandy and I face the prospect of telling our family doctor that we're moving on to someone else. He suffered a stroke a few years ago, which slowed him down but didn't stop him. And while I admire and respect his perseverance, lately I'm questioning his ability to provide thorough care. I hate this feeling because I don't bail on anyone. But when our health is concerned we have to keep our best interests in mind. If we don't, who will?

Amongst all of this is my relationship with my dad.  We haven't been close since he and my mom divorced when I was twelve; I began to see how different we are during my teens and despite attempts to reconnect we've been in and out of each other's lives ever since. And although it saddens me I've come to accept that my relationship with him is what it is. I love my father no less than I would if we were closer. I can choose to dwell over this and let it consume me, or find peace with it. I choose to be thankful that he's in my life as he is and cherish those relationships in my life that continue to grow.

So on this night drive home, I started putting all of these things together. All the times that were, that aren't or will soon no longer be. But instead of feeling loss or even nostalgia, a tremendous sense of contentment swept through me. I accept that things in my life will never stay the same, that I'll hold onto what I can but that some things have to slip away. It's an extremely hard lesson to learn, like most people I've always fought against change. I know there will still be many times when I desperately cling to that which threatens to slip away.

Letting go can be very painful. But what I've learned is that if you're living in what was, you're missing out on what is.

I'm Official!

Okay, so in a moment of pure self-indulgence I commissioned my printer to run off some personal business cards for me. My blog and interests come up in conversation sometimes, and I got tired of trying to find a pen and paper when people ask for the address. So this is my solution.
  And I ain't gonna lie, I just like the way having my own card feels.

other side

  If you're a regular reader and (for whatever reason) you think you'd like one, drop me a line and I'll send it your way. I've blanked off my cell phone number for this photo, but it appears on the card.  If you're inclined to call me from the other side of the world, be my guest!  :)

Hope you're all having a great weekend!

Secret Friday

Hey guys, TGIF! It's time for the thirty-sixth installment of Secret Friday, a chance to share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.

Here's how this works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) Post anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can contribute as many as you're comfortable with.

3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexuality you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.

5) As always I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.

6) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Guest Photo Feature No. 3

Just a reminder, I'm taking submissions for random photo features on my blog.  See here for more info. I hope you'll participate!

Today's entry comes from Marisa at "..or so i feel". Her love of literature and quotations first drew me to her blog, but it's the openness in her posts that's kept me coming back. Drop by and pay her a visit, I'm sure she'd appreciate it. 

In her words:

"These are from my 1st Anniversary Trip with my husband to Maine in 2008. I LOVE Maine and would move there tomorrow if my husband said the word. I love the ocean, the smells in the air,the history, the people... I could go on and on..."

"This was taken in Kennebunkport, Maine. We were driving down the main drag and I saw this building so happily situated between the most beautiful trees. The leaves were so brilliant and the message just made me swell with pride to be an American."

"Taken in a small fishing Village of Bernard..... I wanted to stay there forever, buy lobster at the market and walk to the church on Sunday... bliss."

"Lobster boat... found everywhere of the coast in Bar Harbor or as the locals call it BAA-HAA BAH."


Thanks for your photos Marisa. Being half East-Coast myself (my mother was born in Nova Scotia), the photos of the harbour are very familiar to me.

Anyone else care to submit?  Don't make me come looking for you...  :)

What My Tiny Man-Brain Has Learned...

-some of the most valuable things you'll learn in life will be from those half your age

-people who seem to be so much better off are struggling just as much as you are

-the older you get, the more you realize how much you still have to learn

-even if you never have children of your own, at some point you'll feel like a parent to somebody

-at various times in your life you'll meet people and have conversations you never would have expected, and will never forget

-some of the most meaningful relationships are those that are hardest to define

- maturity isn't found in age or experience nearly as much as in attitude

-never belittle anything that someone is passionate about

- you can never make somebody do what's best for them, but if they won't take your advice don't take it personally. Chances are someday after they've learned that lesson someone won't listen to them either.

-you'll never grow by making all the right decisions

-you can never have too many x's and o's in a letter or e-mail

-if you don't keep an open, adventurous mind you'll close yourself off to some of the greatest experiences you'll ever have


Each day is like ice cream my friends.  Devour it before it melts, but make sure to savour it along the way.

Friendship

"Friendship isn't about whom you've known the longest, it's about who came and never left your side."


Okay I admit it, in a fit of weakness I've succumbed to something impossibly cute and put this together.  Not something your typical guy would do maybe but hey...I'm not your typical guy.  Or at least I don't think I am.  I do have moments of crudeness and cockiness, and plan to have a night to forget at my brother's stag next Saturday, so all is not lost.

Anyway happy Sunday everyone. I've accomplished nothing around the house of much consequence so far on this rainy day, and I'm feeling really good about it.  Hoping it'll continue.

Guest Photo Feature No. 2

Just a reminder, I'm taking submissions for random photo features on my blog. See here for more info. I hope you'll participate!

Today I'm featuring photos from two bloggers. Sophia from Blue Chair Diary has been an inspiration of strength for me over the past year, having overcome tremendous adversity in her life. She continues to fight with courage and a smile.  Be sure to drop by and say hi, I know she'd love to hear from you. It was a pleasant surprise to find she shares my love of barns. In Sophia's words: 

"I LOVE barns and always have since I was a little girl. I love the feeling of freedom that barns give me inside. These barns are particularly my favourite as they are a symbol of healing for me. I took these about a month or so after my major liver surgery. I survived!  :) "

Thanks for your submissions Sophia!  <3

_________________________________________________

Next up is Dina from Dina's Days (Dina hails from Aqaba, Jordan).  For those of you into fashion I recommend stopping by her blog,  she's up to date on current trends and the photos are first-rate.

I love that my Middle East readers are able to contribute and show this part of the world to the rest of us.  In her words...

"This photo was also taken in Jordan, but in Petra. Petra has been officially named one of the Wonders of the World. I met this young girl, who told me she was pulled out of the 1st grade by her father to sell rocks to the tourists in Petra. They live in tents, and make a living by selling anything they can to those who visit Petra including rocks and jewelry."

"Here's one of my favorite pictures from when I visited my hometown in Jordan. This was taken in Aqaba, Jordan which is the most southern part of the country. This city feels like 2 completely different worlds. One half is all tourists, lounging on a breathtaking beach. While on the other side, the locals struggle to make it by. Here, 2 locals sell vegetables out of their trucks on the side of the road. This photo and my trip will always be special to me!"

Thanks for this Dina!

Who's next?...........

Secret Friday

                                                         

 Hi everyone, TGIF! Welcome to the thirty-fifth installment of Secret Friday, a chance to share some secrets and/or fantasies you've been keeping to yourself. Some are uplifting, some are heartbreaking and some are just plain naughty.

All are valid.


Here's how this works:

1) This is open to anyone who wants to participate, from regular follower to casual visitor.

2) Post anonymously, no names please. It can be anything from mild to wild, anything goes. All I ask is that it's true. You can contribute as many as you're comfortable with.

3) I don't plan to censor content or language. However I do reserve the right to remove anything which appears to be posted with the sole intent of offending. I also reserve the right not to remove content that may be considered controversial. It's a fine line sometimes.

4) If you're someone who is easily offended by swearing or sexuality you may not want to read through the comments. I have no idea where this will go and won't be reviewing comments until after they are posted.

5) As always I'd like everyone to please refrain from commenting on what someone else has written; what may seem trivial to you can be very personal to someone else. Everyone has feelings and I want to see them respected, therefore inappropriate remarks will be removed. Fortunately this hasn't been an issue and I'd like to thank all of you for that.

6) If this is something you'd like to run on your blog please feel free. You may copy the rules if you wish.

And now to it...

Be There

  A line in the chorus of this song really ties in with how I've been feeling lately.  Blogging to me has always been so much more than talking about how my day's been.  It's about connecting with people who, though they may be thousands of miles away, are every bit the friends that those around me are.

  Lately I haven't had a lot of time to visit you guys.  Most would say this is something we should do in our 'spare' time, something that shouldn't intrude too much in our 'real' lives.  But when you make friends like this, to me the definition of 'real' becomes blurred.  Why should an on-line friend be any less important in our lives than those tangibles we can see?

  I know I'm off-track when some of my readers friends ask me if the reason I haven't visited them lately is because they've done something to upset me.  It's become more frequent over the past week, and it bothers me that I've let it get to this.  So for those of you who may be wondering I want to assure you that:

• you haven't upset me
• you haven't pissed me off
• if you had, I'd man-up and write you so we could discuss it like adults
• I haven't somehow grown tired of you
• you're on my mind as much as you ever were

      and most importantly,

• I miss you.  I do.

  The line in this song that got me is, "If you're gonna be there, be there."  It's so simple but to me very powerful.  You don't make a friend and abandon them.  You don't just walk into someone's life and walk out.  You don't tell someone you'll be a shoulder then leave when things get too tough for them or you.  I've had moments in my life that have been extremely hard to deal with, that I've wanted to walk away because it was too painful to stay.  It's hard to see people go through certain things, sometimes they don't realize how it can affect you.  But it's selfish to abandon that promise of love and support.  Being a friend, a lover, a spouse is about giving of yourself regardless of how it affects you. If you're gonna be there, be there. It's a committment we make, spoken or not.

  We all impact someone's life, some more than others.  I know I don't connect with everyone, and that's okay because I don't expect to.  But I've formed friendships with many of you, some of you I've grown very close to.  I don't expect to change your life, I'm just me doing what I can.  But if I can make some sort of a difference to your day here or there it's all I could ask for.

  I promise I'm trying harder to get around to all of your blogs.  I also realize I haven't been responding to comments as much as I should (virtual slap on the wrist).  I want to change that.  I still have some old e-mails to respond to. It never ends does it?

  Just know if you haven't heard from me for a while I'm still thinking about you.  I said I'm gonna be here, and I'm here.

Guest Photo Feature No. 1

Just a reminder, I'm taking submissions for random photo features on my blog.  See here for more info.  I hope you'll participate!

The first guest post is from Chania at Razmataz. Her site features an eclectic assortment of interior decoration and design. I think she's tremendously creative, be sure to drop by her site for a visit.

In Chania's words, "This is a photo I took of a little row boat in the harbor at Lion's Head, Ontario (Canada). Of all the boats in the marina, I was attracted to this little red boat because it is so simple. I shot this in the evening just as the sun was going down. the shadow on the water makes it look very inky. The photo looks a bit like an oil painting."

cutlery

jewelry bits

shop

soaps

sofa  

                                                                cottage

cottage

                                                     farmers market

                                                         farmers market

                                                                 June

Thanks for your submissions Chania!  Anyone else?

Adrift

For someone who had courage to unfurl her sails.


Adrift


The heart is a ship.
Moored safely in port
It encounters neither danger nor adventure,
Biding time until sun awakens over clear waters.
With bearings plotted it embarks,
Certain of the course to be taken.
But storms lurk
On horizons yet uncharted,
Seas will swell
And toss this frail craft about.

Point your sails into a wind
That steers around the storm,
The brightest star
Calling from darkened skies
Will cast its light upon your bow
To show the way.

And when the winds have died
And your heart is left adrift
A friend will fill your sails
And guide the rest of the way
Until your safe return
To harbour.





Photo credit.

Down On The Farm

  A few Sundays ago Sandy and I were invited by a couple from our local market to visit them on their farm. It's generally open to the public, fortunately when we arrived we were the only ones there.  Let's take a walk and see what happens when city slickers meet country folk (click on photos to enlarge)...

Our gracious hosts.

God I love old barns.  Lemme at it!....

It was almost spiritual, the way the light poured in. I could have stayed here forever.

Turkeys

Ever held a duck?

Sandy picking strawberries.

Cucumbers

Green onions

Corn

Oh hell, I forget what this is...

...and this...

...more mystery vegetables.

cantaloupe?

Children Of The Corn

"That's it, work it baby! Own it..own it...Love the tractor...That's it, right there!"

goat

With a face like that I think this one was trying to seduce me.

lamb

Happy as a pig in...y'know.

We were pretty much surrounded by chickens.  They acted dumb but they were actually biding their time, secretly preparing to break out.  Two of them actually did escape the previous week.  Police said fowl play was suspected.

All in all it was a good day and a nice break from our regular Sunday routine.