"And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."
-excerpt from Desiderada
4:20am. That's the ungodly hour in which Sandy arises every morning to work out. She's amazing. It's also the time I started thinking about the subject of this post, when my mind should have been free of such things and focused more on sleep. No matter.
Since my accident last year I've become incredibly introspective. It's probably fair to say too much so. I'm also more emotional, which I hate at times. Perhaps it's one of those things that realizing you could have lost your life brings. Maybe I tend to feel more and express that to others because I realize at any moment I could be gone , and those who have affected me would never know how amazing they are or what they've brought to my life.
There's that introspection creeping in again.
I've heard it said many times that everything happens for a reason. I truly believe that; if not everything than certainly most things (especially the most traumatic events that leave us searching for reasons they occurred**). The older I get the more questions I have in my life, about myself and choices I've made in the past. What if I took the job at the pharmaceutical company instead of continued at Bell? What if I hadn't returned Sandy's call after losing touch months after our first date? Thankfully I did.
Our life is a series of events linked by incredibly thin threads, and making even the smallest choices can change it drastically. Lingering thirty seconds longer over that cup of coffee before leaving work could avoid a fatal accident you would have had if you'd left earlier. Turn left in the hallway instead of right and you may miss an eventual life-partner. I don't believe our lives are left to destiny, when circumstances are within our control we are the masters of our own fate.
So what have I learned over the years?
I've learned that you'll never count backwards faster than when you learn your ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I've learned that, ah, 'making out' on the edge of a cliff or while driving isn't the best investment in self-preservation.
I've learned that a guy is rarely more pathetic than when doing the "I love you man" huddle with his best high-school buddies over a bottle of lemon gin.
I've learned that parents are people too and we need to allow them to make mistakes.
I've learned that doing stand-up was one of the bravest things I've done in my life, because I faced my fear and overcame it. We all need to do this; conquer whatever holds us back.
I've learned that leaving your belt at a strip club and forgetting what you did with it can be major cause for alarm.
I've learned that sometimes the best way to care about someone is to let them go. It can hurt like hell and you'll feel it in every part of you, but it's usually for the best.
I've learned that when most people tell you they want to know what you're thinking or feeling they really don't because they can't always handle the answer.
I've learned that no matter what our age we can learn from those much younger.
I've learned that Tequila is not my friend; mixing Smores into the equation a couple hours later only worsens that relationship.
I've learned that when someone confides in you they're often placing their heart in your hands. To be able to honour that trust is one of the most amazing, humbling feelings in the world.
Through all of this there are many things I'm no longer so sure about. So I'll continue experiencing what life has to offer, taking the occasional mis-steps along the way, in hopes that I can learn more about life and myself. Some things I may never find the answers to.
Yet I don't doubt that the universe is unfolding as it should.
** Footnote: Just as I was literally in the middle of typing this sentence someone walked in to tell me someone he knows committed suicide. No one can convince me the timing was just simple coincidence. More proof that life's one big mystery.